I think my husband is manipulating me - Talk About Marriage
Physical & Mental Health Issues Marriage and relationships are difficult by themselves, but coping with physical or mental health problems can make things even more difficult.

View Poll Results: Am I crazy? Or does this all add up?
You're overthinking this. 0 0%
You're overthinking this, but he's definitely hiding something. 0 0%
I think you're right. He's a sociopath and he's emotionally manipulating you. 2 28.57%
I think he's emotionally manipulating you, but not a sociopath. 3 42.86%
I think he's cheating, but not a sociopath or manipulative. 0 0%
I think you need to talk to a professional about these problems. 3 42.86%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 7. You may not vote on this poll

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post #1 of 12 (permalink) Old 02-08-2016, 04:27 PM Thread Starter
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Question I think my husband is manipulating me

I think my husband might be a sociopath/narcissist and is emotionally manipulating me.

He recently went on a business trip for three days. On the day he was driving back, his female co-worker posted photos online showing she was with him. He never told me he wasn't alone on the trip.

When I confronted him about it, he blew it off, saying he didn't realize he hadn't told me. I stewed on it for another few hours before saying what was really on my mind. "When you spend three days alone with another woman and hide it from me, it looks like you're having an affair."

Without apologizing or denying anything, he told me he was severely depressed and had contemplated suicide recently. When we sat down to talk about it, he faked a crying fit. I didn't let on that I knew it was fake, acting supportive. I suggested he see a therapist and he flipped out, saying that's why he didn't tell me about the depression in the first place, because he knew I'd want him to see a shrink. While this can be understandable, I believe he avoids professionals because they would see him for what he truly is.

I asked him more about what was causing the depressing and he blamed it on the marital rough patch we've been having. Saying he's trying his hardest to make me happy and to be a good husband, but it's never enough for me. He feels like he can't do anything right.

I know it may seem cold-hearted or pessimistic, but I believe this was all an act to manipulate me. What a convenient deflection to reveal months of depression and suicidal thoughts right when I suspect an affair. How the depression is the fault of our relationship, of him trying so hard and me never being happy. Pity party, anyone?

Near the end of our conversation, he turned to talk of “All I want is you.” “You’re everything to me.” “You’re the only thing that matters.” Total overcompensating, in my opinion. He’s telling me what he thinks I want to hear. Doesn’t every abusive husband in a Lifetime movie say this to his wife?

Later that night, he swept the floor and fed the dogs, all things which he never does. He asked if he could take me on a date the next night. All compliments and helpfulness. Red flags, right?

Am I crazy, or does this all add up? Please help. I feel like I'm going crazy over here.


Last edited by AmeliaBradley; 02-08-2016 at 04:43 PM.
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post #2 of 12 (permalink) Old 02-08-2016, 04:33 PM
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Re: I think my husband might be a sociopath

Wow this all sounds so familiar. I caught my husband exchanging emails on Craigslist trying to hook up with someone while he was working out of town. When I confronted him it was almost exactly like what you're describing. He even threatened suicide and I was dumb enough to fall for it. I mean all I could think about was omg what if he actually did it and I didn't try to stop it.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't have any advice to offer, just know you're not crazy and you're not alone.
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post #3 of 12 (permalink) Old 02-08-2016, 04:44 PM
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Re: I think my husband might be a sociopath

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Originally Posted by mlyn627 View Post
Wow this all sounds so familiar. I caught my husband exchanging emails on Craigslist trying to hook up with someone while he was working out of town. When I confronted him it was almost exactly like what you're describing. He even threatened suicide and I was dumb enough to fall for it. I mean all I could think about was omg what if he actually did it and I didn't try to stop it.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't have any advice to offer, just know you're not crazy and you're not alone.
I waited until my ex actually did hook up with someone on CL (he was responding to ads and posting his own) because I knew he'd do exactly this if I didn't have proof.

At one point he also threatened suicide if I left the house one particular day.

I've had several people tell me they think he's a sociopath, but I really have no idea.

To OP, I said "manipulative but not sociopath" because I just would have no clue since I'm not a psychologist.

This behavior will escalate.

If you truly love someone you want that person to have the freedom to become everything they seek. You want your partner to soar, not to imprison them. - Pluto2
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post #4 of 12 (permalink) Old 02-08-2016, 08:38 PM
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Re: I think my husband is manipulating me

I am sorry Amelia but most likely he cheated on you. You are not crazy.
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post #5 of 12 (permalink) Old 02-08-2016, 08:49 PM
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Re: I think my husband is manipulating me

You're not crazy. He most likely is cheating. And he sucks at being a narcissist lol...they're usually a bit less obvious, but he strikes me as one. Not 100% certain, but threatening/mentioning suicide when confronted with something they've done wrong, is one of the tell tale traits. Narcissists think everyone around them is crazy, and wrong...and stupid. He thinks by feigning romance, etc...you will forget about the woman who went away with him. Triangulation...look that up, when you have time. They are masters at that...they always have two or more women going at a time...but usually an 'anchor' woman (wife, serious gf, etc) and a side woman...thus the 'triangle.'

Sorry you're in this, please look out for yourself. ((hugs))
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post #6 of 12 (permalink) Old 02-08-2016, 08:56 PM
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Re: I think my husband is manipulating me

Quote:
Originally Posted by AmeliaBradley View Post
I think my husband might be a sociopath/narcissist and is emotionally manipulating me.

He recently went on a business trip for three days. On the day he was driving back, his female co-worker posted photos online showing she was with him. He never told me he wasn't alone on the trip.

When I confronted him about it, he blew it off, saying he didn't realize he hadn't told me. I stewed on it for another few hours before saying what was really on my mind. "When you spend three days alone with another woman and hide it from me, it looks like you're having an affair."

Without apologizing or denying anything, he told me he was severely depressed and had contemplated suicide recently. When we sat down to talk about it, he faked a crying fit. I didn't let on that I knew it was fake, acting supportive. I suggested he see a therapist and he flipped out, saying that's why he didn't tell me about the depression in the first place, because he knew I'd want him to see a shrink. While this can be understandable, I believe he avoids professionals because they would see him for what he truly is.

I asked him more about what was causing the depressing and he blamed it on the marital rough patch we've been having. Saying he's trying his hardest to make me happy and to be a good husband, but it's never enough for me. He feels like he can't do anything right.

I know it may seem cold-hearted or pessimistic, but I believe this was all an act to manipulate me. What a convenient deflection to reveal months of depression and suicidal thoughts right when I suspect an affair. How the depression is the fault of our relationship, of him trying so hard and me never being happy. Pity party, anyone?

Near the end of our conversation, he turned to talk of “All I want is you.” “You’re everything to me.” “You’re the only thing that matters.” Total overcompensating, in my opinion. He’s telling me what he thinks I want to hear. Doesn’t every abusive husband in a Lifetime movie say this to his wife?

Later that night, he swept the floor and fed the dogs, all things which he never does. He asked if he could take me on a date the next night. All compliments and helpfulness. Red flags, right?

Am I crazy, or does this all add up? Please help. I feel like I'm going crazy over here.
Well, the cat is out of the bag.

Ask him very simply...

"Are you cheating or have you cheated on me?"

If he can't find a way to say, "No" that actually includes the word "no", then he's lying.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #7 of 12 (permalink) Old 02-08-2016, 08:57 PM
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Re: I think my husband is manipulating me

I believe he is attempting to manipulate you, but you aren't being manipulated. Trust your gut.
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post #8 of 12 (permalink) Old 02-08-2016, 11:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I think my husband is manipulating me

Thank you for all the helpful responses!

I definitely do think he's a narcissist. I did some research on it today and he fits the bill extremely well.

The 'other woman' is someone he spends a lot of time with, and who I've also spent a bit of time with. She seems like she's only ever wanted to be his friend, but I can see where his motivations towards her might be more. I've had close guy friends before, so it's hard to know where that line is.

He claims he didn't tell me about them being alone on the trip because of a comment I've made before. We've been having problems for a while and I asked him if there was anyone in his life he thought he would be better suited with. He said he didn't, but I told him I thought she would be an obvious choice for him. They have so much in common and get along better than he and I do. This was a few months ago. Ever since then, he hasn't talked much about her to me. I just don't know what to think.
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post #9 of 12 (permalink) Old 02-09-2016, 03:30 AM
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Re: I think my husband is manipulating me

I think it is time for you to do some snooping.

Don't bring it up to him again, because if they are having an affair they will take it underground.

So snoop. If you find any solid evidence of an affair, then do not confront until you have a plan of how you will handle it and how you will confront.
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post #10 of 12 (permalink) Old 02-17-2016, 12:10 PM
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Re: I think my husband is manipulating me

You are NOT crazy. What he's doing is total manipulation, whether he is aware of it or not.

My husband does the same kind of thing, except he doesn't realize he's doing it. He suffers from depression and has for years.. and whenever there are problems in our marriage, he sobs and cries and makes himself seem very helpless. He says things like, "I should be more of a man for you." "You deserve better than me" .. which used to make me cave and say, "it's okay baby." and suddenly anything wrong he did is swept under the rug and ended with ME apologizing to HIM.

Trust your gut. Follow your gut. Call him on his behaviours.. and ask straight forward questions. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. this is a tough tough spot to be in!

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post #11 of 12 (permalink) Old 02-17-2016, 04:25 PM
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Re: I think my husband is manipulating me

[QUOTE=gyspy14;14973242 He says things like, "I should be more of a man for you." "You deserve better than me" .. which used to make me cave and say, "it's okay baby." and suddenly anything wrong he did is swept under the rug and ended with ME apologizing to HIM.[/QUOTE]

That's called enabling, I was good at that too. Very codependent behavior. Break the cycle. You'll either fix the problem or break it for good. Much better than living in the middle.
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post #12 of 12 (permalink) Old 02-18-2016, 11:32 PM
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What ElleGirl said 100% . play dumb, don't mention it again, pretend to be wooed by his fake romancing. But be crafty as a fox. Snoop. Check his phone, his email if you can access, computer history, and if you can catch him leaving or going to her place or being with her, do a stake out if you are up to it. Lol I sound nitty now. But if I had serious reason to suspect (and I can almost guarantee that he has or of heading toward an affair with this woman) then I totally would.

The thing with narcissists is that you have to have them in a corner with the evidence, otherwise they will just keep trying to break you down
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