Husband with depression.... - Talk About Marriage
Physical & Mental Health Issues Marriage and relationships are difficult by themselves, but coping with physical or mental health problems can make things even more difficult.

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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 02-17-2016, 12:42 PM Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
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Husband with depression....

Hi there,
I'm glad I found this "focused topics" area; I'm new to the site and still navigating.

The problem I have, and have been struggling with for years is my husband, who struggles with depression and anxiety. It's a bit of a long story, but if you bare with me, I'd love some advice. Ha!

I met H when we were in college for Child and Youth work; he and I were two of the top students and we had a real passion for working with troubled youth, and we were both the best at the field work. He is amazing with kids and behaviours. I was attracted to him for that quality, but always thought he was kind of... boring. I am and always have been a very social butterfly. I love parties, and dinner dates, and volunteering and social gatherings.. and I didn't ever see him out and about, so I assumed he stayed in and I wasn't interested in that. During our last year of school, he was at a party (college.. good times, lol) and he and I ended up chatting most of the night. He told me loved being around people, he volunteered and was social and all these things. We ended up hanging out more and more and he came to school conferences, networking events, parties and social gatherings with me. We ended up dating and by the end of the first semester, we were living together because we were both broke and needed roommates (again, college, good times lol)
I started seeing the first of his depression during this time.. he and I stayed up for hours at night talking about depression, and him, and his dreams, and my dreams and why depression had a hold of him and all this stuff. I knew it would be a struggle, but I was motivated to fight through it with him. Plus, it wasn't so bad. He still came out and we had a great sex life and it was nothing I couldn't handle.

Fast forward a year, and I'm pregnant. We were both graduating, I had a decent job lined up and we were excited. During pregnancy, he definitely showed a little bit more depression and started closing up about it. He would spend hours and hours on his computer, gaming. He would go to bed without talking to me.. he would lash out at me for small things like, "you ate the last apple".. as well, our sex life came to a halt. I assumed it was all because I was pregnant, and we were both nervous and scared and I thought maybe that's where all this behaviour came from.

Fast forward again, we had our daughter, got married and bought our first home. All within out first 2 years together. it moved FAST.. I almost didn't even know what was happening. Plus, I was pregnant with baby #2 from the honeymoon; which, btw, was spent in the room the whole time because his anxiety prevented us from going out. And sex, well, because we hadn't had sex in so long, I kind of made it clear that I expected to have a lot of sex on my honeymoon.. which he did, but I still feel like that was more of an obligation to him.
I was on mat leave with my last baby, and pregnant with #2 and staying home all day was hard on me. We only had 1 car, which he took to work everyday. THIS is when his depression hit HARD. we would go weeks without talking because he would just sit on his computer for hours.. for days. He would bottle everything up and than lash out, call me names and overreact to small things. He would lose his patience with the baby; he would go to bed at 6pm and wake up at 3am... and game all day. We never had sex. We never connected like we used to. He would NEVER join me on outings, and always make me attend weddings or events by myself with the two kids. I was very stressed out, and very alone. He would agree to make plans, and than cancel them last minute. I felt cheated... like, he lied about who he was to me at the beginning of our relationship.. and now I was stuck in his darkness with him.

And I tried... I read books, I went to therapy with him, I went to the dr with him. He would go to 2 sessions than quit. He would take meds for a month and than stop.. he would cry and tell me he needs me and loves me. He threatened suicide once; which I did not react well to. I was so fed up by this point, I told him, "if you do it, don't do it where the kids will find you. Do it outside of the house" ... he's never threatened suicide again.

Eventually, I made plans to leave him. He was in such a dark place, and I couldn't breath. When he caught wind of my plans, he went on his meds... started going to therapy.. and suggested I go back to work so I can have more socialization.

All those things helped, and it wasn't bad for awhile. BUT.. within 4 months, he had quit therapy.. stopped taking his meds, and although I was working... we were RIGHT back were we were.

That's how it's been... the cycle. Things get better, than they get worse.. better, worse. It was exhausting! And he never seemed to care how it effected me and the kids. All through this, no sex, no intimacy, no connection. I tried, he'd turn me down. He'd try, and the sex would be mundane and quite frankly, uneventful.

At a friends get together one night, I was, of course, attending on my own (some of my friends have never even MET my H because he doesn't care to meet them) and a guy friend of mine hit on me and we ended up making out a little before I put a stop to it all. I felt terrible and ended up telling H about the whole thing. He was hurt, but just replied, "that's ok. I understand why you did it" and that was the end. I told him I was unhappy and that things needed to change and I needed out of this cycle and that I was very seriously considering moving out.

He started crying and was upset and ended up going to bed with no resolution.

A few days later, he stormed into my office at work, threw his phone at me, called me a **** and told me to go **** off..... all because he has broken the screen on his phone that day. I was angry. I didn't go home that night. I picked up the kdis from daycare and went to my dads. He messaged me later saying "I cant believe you're doing this to me. I was already feeling terrible and you're just making it worse." I explained to him that I didn't want the kids or myself to be around him when he was in that state. he didn't talk to me the rest of the night. Later when I went home, he pretended everything was fine, like nothing ever happened.

After the kids were in bed, I told him to get himself back on his meds, or I would be gone.

He made an appointment and has been on his meds for a month or so now. He still won't make an appointment with the therapist; so I've been going by myself.

Anyway... all this to say that I just have no more faith in me to change. I'm basically just waiting for the other foot to fall and for him to stop taking his meds again. When that happens... I don't know what I'll do.. leave I guess?
I've been putting up with this rollercoaster for 5 years and I'm tired; I just want to be happy again. Happy with MYSELF again. I feel like I keep caving to his mood. I keep catering to the depression demon inside him.
I am not motivated to fight for my marriage. We're still not having sex or being intimate. He's on meds, but still goes to bed at 730/8 to watch tv on his phone in bed. He shows no desire to connect with me. I know that right now, he thinks everything is ALL good. and It's not. I'm not all good. I don't know where to turn or what to do. I don't have faith that he'll get better anymore... and I don't want to stay in an empty relationship...

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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 04-11-2016, 07:34 PM
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Re: Husband with depression....

I'm so sorry about what you've gone through. I've had a very similar experience in my marriage, and I have felt the way you feel. My wife is currently in the hospital being treated for depression. I've made a choice to stay by my wife through it all, and despite my own mental illnesses, I feel like I am in an OK place to continue supporting her indefinitely. There are many tearful and sleepless nights, though, and I worry about the impact on our children. Because of her mental state, she is entirely incapable of engaging in any meaningful communication without me coddling her and prying out her thoughts and feelings. Our whole marriage is pretty one-sided these past few years, but it works. I love her so much, and I want so desperately to help her in ways I can't.
I see your post has gone without a response for nearly 2 months. Maybe the length of your post scared people off, or maybe, like me, no one is really sure what to say that will make the situation any easier for you. I am curious, though. How are things now? Any better? Any worse? Is he still cooperating with treatment?
I really do hope things start looking up for you. I can tell that you care about your family very deeply. Your husband sounds like a good person too. It pains me to hear of his needless suffering at the hands of such a merciless, dreadful disease.
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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 04-12-2016, 03:07 PM
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Re: Husband with depression....

Why did he stop seeing his therapist?
I am assuming then that his MD is the one who is writing the prescription for the anti depressant. As you know there are many kinds of anti depressants and some work better in combination with others. Would he be willing to make a follow up appointment with his doctor to discuss his meds/condition and let you come along?
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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 04-20-2016, 12:38 PM
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Re: Husband with depression....

If he is not responding to anti-depressants, you might look at the symptoms of bipolar disorder. Your husband sounds a lot like mine (shifting moods, angry outbursts over silly things, weird sleep schedules, the rollercoaster etc). My hubs ended up having a very scary psychotic meltdown that landed him in a mental institution involuntarily and was diagnosed bipolar. Turns out that anti-depressants by themselves (without a mood stabilizer) are very bad news for people with bp. Just a thought.
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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 05-11-2016, 12:41 PM
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Well #1: If you feel that you and your children are in danger, don't think twice. Go to safety.

Now, most likely something happened that changed him. There is something that is not in the open. It could be many things from infidelity to something haunting him from childhood... only he knows.

Another thing is the wrong meds or misdiagnosis. Unless he can be honest with himself and a therapist he won't get the help he needs.

First he needs to work on himself, second is your relationship. I hope things work out for your family's sake, but don't put you or the kids in jeopardy if he is a ticking time bomb.
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 05-11-2016, 02:25 PM
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Re: Husband with depression....

You can't help him if he can't or won't help himself unless he gets so bad that you need to commit him against his will to a mental institution and it sounds like he's headed down that road.

Sometimes a person needs a real wakeup call, and you might accomplish that by packing your bags and leaving with the children and even filing for divorce, that might give him a healthy dose of reality and push him towards the help he needs. Or it could backfire and he could hang himself so there's a risk there but what else can you do?

Any persuasive friends or family members that can talk to him?
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 05-17-2016, 08:20 AM
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Re: Husband with depression....

I know it is easier said than done. It's equivalent the abandoning a brother or sister who is on drugs and had a very rough life that will steal from your daughter but your mother made you promise to take care of them.


With Depression there is no wake up call. Thats the problem....... They really have a sickness but the spouse, we are the enemy.

Good Luck Love. There are no right answers, bear in mind once you leave he may snap further...
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