Physical & Mental Health IssuesMarriage and relationships are difficult by themselves, but coping with physical or mental health problems can make things even more difficult.
Let me preface this post by saying I know I won't find specific solutions to my problem here. But what I find helps is just hearing a different perspective, so I welcome all.
So here's the situation - I find myself wondering if I married the wrong person. An accompanying feeling is the question "how the heck did I get here?"
Here's my relationship history:
My wife and I are both 29.
We have been friends since 2005. We started dating in January 2008. In Dec 2008 I proposed, for a August 2009 wedding. In June 2009, my wife had cold feet and worried I wasn't the one for her. We called off the wedding, and separated, but I really pined for her. We started talking again in Dec, and got back together in January 2010.
In late 2010, I had plans to go London for grad school, so we once again made plans to get married as she could only go on no-pay-leave from her company if we were married.
In Dec 2010, I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma. It's a highly treatable form of cancer, so while a shocker, I don't think either of us was really devastated by the news. Shocked, but life goes on. I was also relatively normal during treatment, not bed-ridden or handicapped.
Upon diagnosis, we decided to have a simple civil marriage ceremony in March 2011. To be honest, there was no real need to. In hindsight, I'm not sure why we did. Perhaps it's because we had already made plans to get married so why not? Or there was a possibility that my condition could worsen, so it'd be easier if my fiancee was my wife. It felt like the natural thing to do, though right now, not necessarily the right one.
Although we were married, we still lived apart. But we saw each other regularly on weekends, when I feeling better.
I successfully finished treatment in June and had plans to get on with the rest of my life. It soon became apparent that starting grad school in September was not a good idea because of lingering side-effects. In consultation with my supervisor, we decided to defer admission till January. Unfortunately, my wife had also applied to the same grad school, was accepted, and had to start her course in September. We therefore decided that she would start school first, and I would tag along as a house-husband for 3 months. It sounded like a good idea then -3 months away, as a house-husband, on an extended "holiday" to recover from my treatment.
Between June and September, it was a mad rush to get things done. I had to go back to work, which wasn't stressful but something I had to get used to again. And we had to plan for our church wedding in August. As Christians, this was more important than the civil ceremony we had earlier. It was also the "public" wedding with many guests. We also had to worry about relocation and finding a new place. There was lots to do, and very little time to think.
But gradually, I started reflecting and wondering if I was marrying the right person. It wasn't obvious either way, but I wasn't 100% comfortable. About 10 days before the wedding, I had cold feet and told my wife about it. She was upset and said if I really felt that way, I should call off the wedding. But I didn't. We went ahead with the wedding. In part it's because I didn't know if how I felt had any basis, if I was just tired from the difficult preceding months, and because so much had already gone into preparing for the wedding. I felt alot of pressure, in part because my family situation, and how difficult my mother can be.
Framing all of this was chronic depression. I started seeing a shrink in 2007 but stopped in 2010. It struck again in July 2011, after I finished cancer treatment. It hit really hard. I didn't feel this bad even during our first breakup. I read that chemotherapy and all that can really mess with your body. I don't know what really caused it.
All I know is I somehow have coasted along into a big mess. I feel like I've painted myself into a corner.
I'm depressed, and being with my wife doesn't bring happiness. And we're suppsoed to be newlyweds in the "honeymoon" period. I'm comfortable with her, like good friends would be, but I don't feel a spark anymore. I'm not sure what kind of love I have for her - as a friend, or as a wife.
Being on that "extended holiday" doesn't look to be working out either. It's been 2 weeks since I've arrived in London, and I find myself alone without anyone. My wife has begun school so she can't keep me company. I miss everything familiar, and I'm a bit homesick.
These days, I find myself thinking about the past alot, with regret. There were junctures where I could have done things differently, but did not because I'm quite passive by nature. I'm also a people pleaser, so I tend to put my own preferences and thoughts behind others. This obviously hasn't worked out for me.
I've decided I want to make this marriage work. I had a melt-down last week where I suggested I wasn't in love with my wife, and wanted to anul the marriage. She was obviously quite upset, and when I calmed down, I realised I was being too rash. Besides, it's logistically very difficult to do all that from overseas. Not to mention emotionally very difficult for us both and family.
Fundamentally, my wife and I are fairly compatible. There isn't that intense spark, we don't have many common interests or friends, and we don't finish each other's sentences, but we get along fine and have similar values. We just have different personalities. This bothers me sometimes because how we handle situations, and people, can be quite different. For example, she doesn't like hanging around longer than she needs to, doesn't really "shoot the breeze" with friends, whereas I think I enjoy being a bit more sociable and just hanging out with friends. I guess this might be quite common in relationships, but thinking about friends who are in relationships with partners similar to them makes me wonder if I married the right person.
I've also been frank with my wife on how I feel, and she says she loves me, she made a vow, and she's not going anywhere. But I know there are moments when she too gets down, because I'm down, and I know she's wondering if I really love her, why can't I be happy with her.
She also believes in thinking through problems and getting oneself together, rather than medication or any form of escapism to any "comfort zone." She struggled with depression as a teenager, and that's how she got over hers. She's not emotionally-empty, and will offer a shoulder to cry on, but she doesn't believe in wallowing in self-pity and always babying people through their problems.
I want to stick it out, but I find myself thinking about the what-ifs and beating myself up over the poor decisions I made earlier. Occasionally, I start to wonder again if maybe my wife really isn't the one for me. And then begins a downward spiral.
I know the issue here is mastering my mind. But I need direction and guidance, maybe to hear the experiences of other. I need something to keep me moving in the right direction. Book and website recommendations would be welcomed.
Sorry for the long post, but being overseas right now, and with friends and family who think everything's going well in my marriage, the internet's the only place I can turn to.
It sounds like you have been through a lot recently. I'm not giving you relationship advice, but rather passing on the thought to just give yourself some time. You have an opportunity to experience some new things in London, I'm assuming you haven't lived there before, and one day you will reflect back upon your life there. In whatever way you need, make the most of it. Maybe it's taking time to reflect and just "be" while wandering the parks and absorbing a different culture. There aren't many people that have the opportunity to experience that. I would start there. Just try to calm your mind for the moment. There's a timing to everything.
Homesickness no doubt hits but you will get over that. Sometimes it might even come and go in waves within the same day. It's all part of the experience. Please try to just give yourself time to just BE in London, recognizing everything you have been through, and see how things go. I think when big life changes and experiences happen, it can put our minds in a spin and have us questioning everything, that's okay and it's bound to happen. I'd suggest having patience with everything you're feeling right now. Give your mind a chance to settle in the new surroundings. Slow down your thinking.
Thanks for your advice. You're right - I have an opportunity which few have. Unfortunately, I find many of my other feelings obscure the huge realm of possibilities i have in front of me right now.
The depression doesn't help. I find myself waking up to negative thoughts about my marriage, and my wife. Again, I sometimes feel we're more friends than partners. Without friends or a routine, all this time alone serves as an echo chamber. I hate to say it, but at least at this point, my wife doesn't feel like my best friend or someone I want to spend time with, all the time.
Maybe these are romantic notions which are inaccurate. But not feeling this in the least bit can't be right either.
I guess I should give myself some time. She's currently the main source of social interaction I have at this point in time, so perhaps I feel trapped in that I have no one else to talk to, or hang out with. Perhaps when I start making my own friends things will get better. I will have a better sense of my own identity in London then.
I think particularly when you're completely out of your comfort zone, where nothing and no-one is familiar to you, then any cracks that might have appeared can certainly widen. However if you allow, this type of experience has the ability to bring you closer as well. You really just have each other to rely upon.
It's important that you both become social. If there's an inkling that you might want your marriage to work, then it's preferable that you make new friendships/networks together. Otherwise being in new surroundings, going through bouts of homesickness and confusion, and then finding you can create a life independent of each other will certainly push you further apart.
Identity and finding where you belong in a new country is not always easy. It can be a wonderful experience if you let it. And no doubt, you'll discover that while your awareness and perceptions can change through being in a different culture, you will still essentially be the same. I'd think that your depression and the move is perhaps heightening your feelings towards your wife right now.
Thanks again for your advice. I really appreciate it.
While I've spoken to my wife about how I'm feeling, I sometimes feel she doesn't always get it. She believes what we're going through is normal for newlyweds. She says she loves me, and in a moment of crisis and weakness, when I broached the topic of getting our marriage annulled, she was genuinely devastated. So, aside from how I'm feeling, she's quite happy with her life in London.
She also doesn't always validate my point of view. I'm very patient when talking to her, but sometimes feel that maybe I'm being too needy. I'm not sure if she really "gets me."
My wife's quite independent and happy to entertain herself on her own. She doesn't really enjoy "hanging out" with friends or "going for drinks." She can be an extrovert, but it's like there's a timer set at each social function. When an hour or 2 are up, she will want to leave. I see social interaction as a process which can be sponatenous with no fixed time limit. If friends ask me out, I'll go, because those meetings recharge me. For my wife, she can see meeting friends as obligations, and just something that has to be done.
Maybe I'm a little self-conscious or too sensitive, but it's kind of stressful going out with my wife and friends because I know there will be a point when she will tug my arm and say it's time to go. And it's not like I spend hours upon hours hanging out with friends.
This is one of the niggling things which I wake up thinking about, and bring it up because of your reasonable suggestion we should make friends together. I don't really see that happening because of our different views on social interaction.
We found a church here in London, and attended a weekly discipleship meeting. We both like it, and the group seems all for meeting outside of the weekly time-slot. I can easily see myself doing that, but I don't think my wife would readily do that. What I see happening is us attending the weekly session, and just me going for the other social activities alone.
I'm not what the balance between hanging out as a "unit" and hanging out by yourself should be. Back home, my friends with partners tend to hang out as a unit. So when I see them, I see their partners. Not all the time, but quite often. This hasn't happened with my wife and I. In fact, most of my friends don't know my wife well at all because she's rarely at our social gatherings. Admittedly, this is something I long for because I believe hanging out with mutual friends is a common interest couples can have. I'm envious of my friends with partners who come along willingly and openly. Heck, I'd be more than willing to hang out with my wife's friends. But she believes meaningful social interactions should be one on one, so she doesn't even hang out with her friends in groups.
I guess there many layers to my problems. Perhaps I should get myself settled first, get into a social network, feel better, then try to work on these differences with my wife.
But it's so overwhelming. I find myself waking up thinking negative thoughts, that I'm trapped at so many levels. In fact, just to make myself feel better, I visit boards like this for positive advice first thing in the morning and help put things into perspective. It's not a great way to start the day, but I don't know what else to do. It slowly gets better as the day progresses, but it seems cyclical with each new day.
Thanks for listening. Again, I really appreciate it!
Hi, I think you might benefit from reading my story about my relationship with my ex (well, we haven't formalized the divorce yet, but that is only because of the international paperwork issues involved). I can relate to a lot of the feelings you describe, and the indecision (I'm very indecisive myself and have - too many times in the past- often make just the kind of resolute decision you describe here when you say you want to "make this marriage work". I also moved to another country from the US during grad school & found that the alienation and loneliness (I see this now looking back) can be so overwhelming that it makes you want to run back to the comfort and safety of a relationship that doesn't make you happy, deep down. That is the sense I get from you: your relationship doesn't make you happy. My didn't either and yet I decided, in so many little decisions & one or two big decisions, to "make it work". Fifteen years, a lot of emptiness and heartbreak and emotional loss later, I realize that the only thing I did when making those decisions against my own better instincts was to postpone the inevitable. Now I have to look back and realize everything I lost by settling for what I *knew* in my deepest heart was not a fulfilling relationship for me. You are free to pursue the life you dream of living, with someone with whom you feel happy and peaceful. One thing I have found useful lately is "inner bonding" (you can google it). There is no need to buy anything & the free videos and articles are really helpful, especially in situations of loneliness.
"But it's so overwhelming. I find myself waking up thinking negative thoughts, that I'm trapped at so many levels. In fact, just to make myself feel better, I visit boards like this for positive advice first thing in the morning and help put things into perspective. It's not a great way to start the day, but I don't know what else to do. It slowly gets better as the day progresses, but it seems cyclical with each new day."
I can relate. I felt like that not for weeks, but for years. So just remember that, no matter how trapped and alone you feel, you are NOT alone in your experience. Others have been through the loneliness and depression. Don't beat yourself up for starting the day on boards like this- it's actually a very good coping strategy.
Please think long and hard about whether your wife can EVER make you happy. It sounds like a lot of the day to day things that contribute to your unhappiness with her come from personality traits that probably neither of you can or would like to change. And the fact that you and she have both gotten cold feet at one or another significant point tells me that you both probably sense that this is not the right relationship, deep down. On the other hand, it may well be that your feeling of alienation in London is totally skewing your view of your wife/your relationship. Work on yourself without expecting anything from her and then see whether or not the relationship works. That's what inner bonding is all about.
Ok, enough of my lecturing... time for me to turn to my own unresolved relationship problems...Good luck, hugs,
Seeking Clarity
Please think long and hard about whether your wife can EVER make you happy. It sounds like a lot of the day to day things that contribute to your unhappiness with her come from personality traits that probably neither of you can or would like to change. And the fact that you and she have both gotten cold feet at one or another significant point tells me that you both probably sense that this is not the right relationship, deep down. On the other hand, it may well be that your feeling of alienation in London is totally skewing your view of your wife/your relationship. Work on yourself without expecting anything from her and then see whether or not the relationship works. That's what inner bonding is all about.
Ok, enough of my lecturing... time for me to turn to my own unresolved relationship problems...Good luck, hugs,
Seeking Clarity
I agree for the most part. Although be aware that happiness is fleeting and contentedness is something else; although this should not be confused with settling. I don't think you can look to your wife for the answers you seek. If you want to stay longer in a social situation, don't moan about her personality traits but instead assert what you'd like to do. It's not all on her terms. There are compromises with such things. This is where I'd direct you to the Men's Clubhouse part of this forum.
It does sound like your needs are different to hers though. And to continue the relationship there will need to be a 'breaking of the mold' that you have both formed together and discover what it is that each other needs, and then have an awareness of how you intend meeting those needs. Although I do think the first step is to see the part you play in the situation and take time to reflect inwardly.
I've moved to different countries and of course everywhere has a different culture, even within English-speaking countries. Although there's still some commonalities, it can also be the little nuances that really throw your head into a spin when you least expect. It's all part of the experience. My H and I moved away and back again. I understand how the event of being away from everyone and everything familiar, setting up and getting established, has the potential to impact a couple regardless of the state of the relationship.
You aren't trapped. Remind yourself of that. Just keep breathing. You can move back, you can leave your wife, you can stay or go, you have choices. It might just be hard to feel that when you're in that emotion. There's nothing wrong with consulting with these boards. I'd suggest however that if you aren't getting out already, that you need to do this. It could be just walking your local area every morning, or parking yourself in a cafe while reading this forum, maybe learn how to use the tube if needed. If you can just be in your new surrounding, I think it will do you good. It can just be small things to begin with. When you're ready, it might be worthwhile speaking to someone you're close with back in the country you're from. Sometimes hearing a familiar voice and being honest about your journey so far can do you the world of good and be quite grounding.
Thanks so much for your advice and perspective. I know typing all that out can be time consuming, so I greatly appreciate the time spent typing that out.
There are many layers to my problem, and i'm a huge pot of mess. I like the suggestion of "inner bonding". Now that I have the time, I think I should really look to repairing myself. As both of you pointed out, it starts with me. I have choices, I am not trapped, but I am broken. I need to fix myself to get a better perspective on what's going on elsewhere.
I guess what makes that so hard are the expectations of what married life should be. If I could put my life on hold, and just focus on fixing myself, without any shame or guilt or external pressure, I think it'd be easier. But through the series of decisions I made, there's a lot riding on us being together in London. Other parties are involved - employers, family, friends etc. There's also time invested in this.
Of course I could just quit and retreat. But maybe that's the easy way out. And there's no guarantee I'll be better off. And there will be lots of hurt and stigma. That's not to say I won't be better off in the long run as SeekingClarity knows (i'm so happy for you!). But it's a risk. At this point, being so fragile, I'm not sure I should gamble.
I do indeed just need to breathe and moderate my expectations of what marriage should be for me, at this point in time. Once I sort myself out, I think I'll be more at ease with all the challenges I see. If there are differences between my wife and I, things is normal, and communicating about them can help the situation. It just takes time and effort, and being in the right frame of mind, which I'm obviously not in. I guess I'm still caught up with the idea of a "fairytale" marriage which many of us have come to expect newlyweds should have. Of course, our foundations were not that strong, so why am I really surprised?
I've scheduled an appt to see a psychotherapist here in London. He's an ex-colleague of my psychiatrist back home. It's really very very expensive, and this adds to the pain, but I think it's necessary. I probably need professional help. This isn't living at all. And I'm not sure if I can sort myself out on my own.
What I will do is starting next week, I'll get myself out of the house and start walking around London. I'll take baby steps forward.
It's scary times, but I hope to look back upon this experience in the future and realise I needed to go through it all.
It sounds positive that you've made an appointment with someone. If you haven't already, perhaps check the health system there - if you have a referral from a doctor, maybe you can claim some of that expense back? This might depend on the type of visa you hold too, I'm not sure. Anyway, just a thought.
Personally I think at this stage it's too early to quit and retreat. When I mentioned before that you're not actually trapped, that you have options - it wasn't meant with intention that you do actually quit. I think sometimes just reminding ourselves that we HAVE options, helps free our mind from that 'trapped' feeling to then actually work with where we're at from a more balanced perspective. It works for me anyway.
You already know there are layers within yourself and the relationship that you need to unravel. Whether you stay married or not is yet to be seen but I think you owe it to YOURSELF to learn as much as you can first and then feel satisfied that any decisions you make have come from a grounded place.
My H and I are both from different countries and have lived away from family and such before. When we moved overseas together and lived there for a couple of years we were fine but it was upon return to our 'home' country that my mind and world really felt upside down. I questioned everything; including my marriage in a way that I never imagined I would. There were a number of things that we both had to work on as individuals and then together as a couple. When I was going through these emotions, someone told me to 'slow down' my thinking. I can't even tell you how valuable this was to me. Which is why I've written this to you.
I'm not suggesting my situation is the same as yours, but what I did gain was recognizing there's a timing to everything. Slowing down and allowing myself time to adjust back to my surroundings, learning more about myself, about him, about our relationship - was worth it all. I now feel grounded again and thankful our bond has strengthened as a result. Like I said, whether you stay married or not is yet to be determined but I highly advocate slowing things down, to give yourself time to settle, adjust to the culture, learn about yourself and then with a clearer mind, think about your marriage.
This is going to be a bigger journey for you than just going to London. Any experience like this, personal growth, is always worth it. Keep us updated. Best wishes.
I don't mean to live in your thread, hopefully others can offer some perspectives too but I found myself rereading your original post. I get the sense that you have probably always done what's "expected" of you by family and others around you. I wonder if you're living true to who and what you are? .....the wonderful thing about being an adult is we get to take responsibility for the kind of life we want to live. It's going to feel crappy while you're going through it but I think you could be on the start of quite an eye-opening and freeing experience.
I'm glad you're still reading my thread and giving such a good advice. I often read other threads detailing the problems experienced by others and wonder how people can keep pouring out advice. It really takes a special kind of person. I hope to be able one day offer such help in the future. You know, pay it forward.
I'll definitely slow down my thinking. I spoke to my wife about seeing a psychiatrist and she feels I should give myself a bit more time to settle down in London first, and by that, I actively seek a routine and make friends. The cost really is prohibitive (no chance of claiming because sadly, the insurance I have excludes mental illness), so we both feel that should be a last resort. An interim solution would be to see a counsellor, which could be free, or much cheaper.
This weekend I also went to a church activity and found several good leads for things I could participate in. I also got to know some people. It's still early to tell what type of friendships they'll develop into, but it's a start. I've also started to read several books which have apparently helped people get a better perspective of their lives, and to "rewire" their thinking. I already feel a bit better, but it's still early days. I really hope I continue progressing.
The one thing that I've struggled with is being assertive. And it's only recently that I discovered it's a struggle, because all along, I thought I was OK being the guy who just coasts along, doesn't really mind bending over backwards for people (not extremely though) and accommodating other people. I have hopes and dreams, but I've always been passive, and my hopes and dreams were not really radically so generally people supported them. I also come from a somewhat broken family. My parents are both professionals, successful, but were never really happy in their marriage. I don't even know why they got married. But never divorced "for the children" so for the 30 years of my life, they've been together. Where I come form, it's not usual for children to move out until their married, so until very recently, I've lived in that kind of cold environment. My mother's also quite domineering and critical. She loves me, and has always been supportive financially and even at times emotionally, but her personality is such that she doesn't get how talking the way she does could be offensive and hurtful. She works in environment where most ppl have big egos too so maybe that's her defence mechanism. Regardless, i grew up just being passive because it wasn't worth arguing with her. She wouldn't tell me to keep quiet, but she'd bury me with her arguments and sometimes emotional blackmail. I guess that was escapism on my part.
So that's my story.
Collectively, this has resulted in me not really thinking too hard about decisions, big and small. When you think you're an "anything goes" kinda person, that isn't really part of you. And this obviously has come back to bite me.
I have found that being assertive is important. Even if your point of view differs only slightly, I've got to learn how to speak up, and be firm about things. Like saying No. I've had problems doing that. In a way, this indeed ties in with me following other people's expectations. I've always thought about what others think of me, and being a people pleaser falsely makes you feel better.
I'll definitely keep you and this thread updated how things go.
Excellent! And please, head to the 'The Men's Clubhouse' on this site for further reading and suggestions if you haven't already.
As for getting out in London, I have a suggestion for you. If you're open to journaling, this might be an ideal time to try it out. Find a new cafe to go to each day, get a cup of tea and write. Another idea, take a daily photo of something that catches your eye when you're out and about. Even if it's just walking the neighborhood.
I'm not religious but it sounds as though church can provide you with a source of like-minded people as well. I've also made friends (who became very close friends for years), through meetup.com. If you haven't heard of it, it's nothing like a dating site, it's mostly social groups made up of people getting together with common interests, based on your area. Anything from book clubs, to people getting together who are also new to the city, to expat groups (which can be helpful with bouts of homesickness). Just a suggestion.
Many of the self-help books recommend journaling. I guess I should give it a shot. Have you tried it before? If so, how did you approach it and what did it do for you?
I visited meetup.com and found an interest group I might like near my flat. I may go check it out. Thanks for the tip!
Awesome! After I suggested this to you, I also visited the site and joined a group with an activity that my H and I can do together as part of settling back in and meeting more people.
It was actually my H who journaled when we lived overseas. I found employment quickly and he had days alone while I was working. In between applying for jobs, he journaled at cafes as part of his own journey, to release and balance his thoughts and observations, and to get himself out of the apartment. This became a discipline for him. He would head out with me when I was going to work as it helped him establish a routine. I know that sometimes when he was having coffee and writing, he would end up conversing with someone that worked there or with another patron. It was wonderful for me to also hear about these happenings in his day after I'd finished work. He continues to journal now.
I have taken daily photographs of random things in our new surroundings as a way for me to settle-in. I guess in my advice to you, I combined these two approaches as suggestions.
Thank you in return for sharing your story, as in writing suggestions to you, it's also helped me. There's a certain selfishness involved but it has good intention. All the best.
Hi again, it sounds like you have a good plan for the next few weeks. I applaud your determination! I know how it feels to need therapy and not be able to pay for it except as a drastic measure (I was there too several years ago). And I just want to repeat: please check out inner bonding. In two decades it is the most humane, practical and effective approach I've found to dealing with dysfunctional loneliness/anxiety/depression/confusion. The people on the forums there are very supportive, some are religious, some are not, but all are very good at openly accepting others there for who and where they are right now. (I know I sound like I'm selling it, and I admit that I am a paying member, but really I just find the approach very useful & wish someone had told me about it 15 years ago). And write again if you need to.
newlywed, new country, regretting marriage 
