Passive aggressive behavior? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Physical & Mental Health Issues Marriage and relationships are difficult by themselves, but coping with physical or mental health problems can make things even more difficult.

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post #16 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-30-2016, 01:23 AM
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Re: Passive aggressive behavior?

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Originally Posted by Síocháin View Post
PA's will make you crazy. It took me a long time to learn how to deal with it. The key is, just don't. Do not engage.

Do not ask them to do anything you can do yourself. If you can't do it, find (hire) someone who can. Whey they say "I could/would have done that", do not acknowledge. When they say "all you have to do is ask for help", do not acknowledge. Just look at him for a few seconds and walk away.
Do not believe what they say, ONLY what they do.
Do not rely on them because you will be let down.
ENJOY the silent treatment. No drama. I go about my business like there is nothing at all going on. Because to me, there isn't.
And when on the rare occasions, they explode. DO NOT RESPOND. Let them own their own hatefulness. I just stare at him like he's lost his mind and I say NOTHING. There can only be argument if there are 2 or more people. Take yourself out of the equation.
Know that they will throw you under the bus to EVERYONE in order to avoid conflict. BUT, they will smile in your face and say they got your back.
Start writing it down. Put down what they say, date & time. They will say "I don't remember saying that" OR deny it completely. Writing it down is for you so you don't feel like you are loosing your mind.

These are just some of the situations I have seen with my marriage. I have only been dealing with it differently for a little while. Takes a lot of practice not to revert back to what I used to do which clearly wasn't working. Also, I came to realize that it's not me, it's him. Not that I don't have my problems, because I do and I am in IC to deal with them. But if you change the dynamic, your partner has to change how he/she responds as well.
a great instruction list on HOW to be passive aggressive...

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post #17 of 21 (permalink) Old 04-02-2016, 11:25 PM
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Re: Passive aggressive behavior?

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Originally Posted by NextTimeAround View Post
I decided that both my mother and exH are passive aggressive.

One parting remark that my exH made was that the more I asked him to do or not do something, the more he wanted to do the exact opposite.
Well, at least yours said it out loud.

I have a list of about 20 things that need to be taken care of at our house. Some haven't been fixed in 13 years, like holes in the ceiling. These are things I don't know how to do. I've never paid someone else to do them because he throws a fit and makes my life miserable. Now we're so in debt I can't afford to pay someone anyway.

The point is, he won't do ANYTHING if I ask him to do it. BECAUSE I ask him to do it. For 35+ years, if I ask him to do something, even if I tell him I would do it myself but I don't know how, he will look me right in the eyes, not say a word, turn around, and either go lay down on the couch and go to sleep, or go do something HE wants to do (obviously none of the things on the list).

The last time we fought, I told him that I had come to the conclusion that, if I need something done, really need it done, I have started asking him to do something ELSE. Why? he asked. Well, I replied, I have discovered over the past 3 1/2 decades that you will never do anything I ask you to do. But you WILL go do something else. So I realized I have a better chance of him actually picking what I DO want done out of spite, if I don't ask for it, than I do actually asking for it.

He had no response. But he still won't do what I ask.

My IC's response was to give me the name of a handyman to call. She said nothing will ever change until I stop handing him my power.
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post #18 of 21 (permalink) Old 04-03-2016, 05:34 AM
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Re: Passive aggressive behavior?

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Originally Posted by turnera View Post
Well, at least yours said it out loud.

I have a list of about 20 things that need to be taken care of at our house. Some haven't been fixed in 13 years, like holes in the ceiling. These are things I don't know how to do. I've never paid someone else to do them because he throws a fit and makes my life miserable. Now we're so in debt I can't afford to pay someone anyway.

The point is, he won't do ANYTHING if I ask him to do it. BECAUSE I ask him to do it. For 35+ years, if I ask him to do something, even if I tell him I would do it myself but I don't know how, he will look me right in the eyes, not say a word, turn around, and either go lay down on the couch and go to sleep, or go do something HE wants to do (obviously none of the things on the list).

The last time we fought, I told him that I had come to the conclusion that, if I need something done, really need it done, I have started asking him to do something ELSE. Why? he asked. Well, I replied, I have discovered over the past 3 1/2 decades that you will never do anything I ask you to do. But you WILL go do something else. So I realized I have a better chance of him actually picking what I DO want done out of spite, if I don't ask for it, than I do actually asking for it.

He had no response. But he still won't do what I ask.

My IC's response was to give me the name of a handyman to call. She said nothing will ever change until I stop handing him my power.
I did find with my exH that if I mentioned default plans, he would do what I asked him to do.

His brother was an even bigger PA. Even kind civil words to him would be sh!t upon. For example, when we all spent weekends at MIL, one time I said "good morning" only for him to look at his watch for sometime and then say "it's not morning anymore." No smile, no hello back.

On another occasion, I said good morning to him on my way out to jog. I came back his wife was the kitchen table. I said good morning to her and he said to me, "you already said good morning." oh dear. And the brother was also rude to my exH.

I've also decided not to be too clever with a PA. Just think, the one time you say the opposite of what you want, that's when they will do exactly that.
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post #19 of 21 (permalink) Old 04-03-2016, 10:12 AM
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Re: Passive aggressive behavior?

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Originally Posted by NextTimeAround View Post
I did find with my exH that if I mentioned default plans, he would do what I asked him to do.
That's exactly what I've discovered. My H thinks nobody - especially me - can do anything better than him. So when our new toilet had sat uninstalled for three years, I decided I would try to install it myself. So I watched videos, printed out instructions, and went to get tools from the garage. All it took was me showing him the tools and asking him if they were the correct ones (What are those for?) (I decided I'd try to install the toilet since you're too busy), and he miraculously instantly had time to jump off the bed and install it himself. You know, since I would have done it wrong.

Of course, the problem with that is that it gives him ammunition to use against me - "I never have control over my own life; you're always dictating what I have to do."

And of course, you can't argue that position with a PA because it's ambiguous.

And of course, the solution to THAT is what all therapists will tell you: You have to learn to not react to the passive aggressiveness, to not let it get to you.
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post #20 of 21 (permalink) Old 04-03-2016, 10:39 AM
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Re: Passive aggressive behavior?

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Originally Posted by turnera View Post
That's exactly what I've discovered. My H thinks nobody - especially me - can do anything better than him. So when our new toilet had sat uninstalled for three years, I decided I would try to install it myself. So I watched videos, printed out instructions, and went to get tools from the garage. All it took was me showing him the tools and asking him if they were the correct ones (What are those for?) (I decided I'd try to install the toilet since you're too busy), and he miraculously instantly had time to jump off the bed and install it himself. You know, since I would have done it wrong.

Of course, the problem with that is that it gives him ammunition to use against me - "I never have control over my own life; you're always dictating what I have to do."

And of course, you can't argue that position with a PA because it's ambiguous.

And of course, the solution to THAT is what all therapists will tell you: You have to learn to not react to the passive aggressiveness, to not let it get to you.
Guess that's advice that I can use in the other thread.
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post #21 of 21 (permalink) Old 08-05-2016, 10:23 PM
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Re: Passive aggressive behavior?

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
If you check out my posts you will see some of the issues I've been dealing with. But that article is really good, it sums up everything nicely. Basically my husband does whatever he wants. He says one thing and does another and never acknowledges any wrong, he's never apologized to me ever. He says things like I love you so much and I respect you but he acts differently. He is manipulative. And he is so afraid of conflict that he will do anything to get out of it, like lie, deny, defend his behavior, change the subjects, blame me, and one of the big things he does is turn it around and he makes it about himself... I am such a horrible husband, I'm not good enough for you, I try so hard to make you happy but your never happy blah blah. Um no all I need you to do is acknowledge your wrong doings that's it, ur not horrible... But he still can't do it. I usually loose my temper bc these people make you go crazy and make you go insane, and then he gets mad bc I lost my temper and it's all about him again. It's really difficult to deal with. I have showed him articles on PAD, highlighted things gave him examples of how he is like this. He doesn't see it. Never will. He won't go to therapy. He is right and I am wrong. During s fight it is impossible or to keep him focused on one issue. When the evidence is mounting against him, he brings up something else. He will pull all stops before acknowledging any fault.
He is the victim. He's a master manipulator. He makes you feel like your insane bc you can never get through to him. We can argue and go round and round forever. It's exhausting.

Hi,,,I am responding to your dilemma. I am a male with PAD and yes we act or I act just like your husband, but I know with I act out because I have ask my wife to catch me at it. Yes, we will drive your to tears, and yelling and we get quiet and never say a word while you rant and rave. Yes we tell you we love you and maybe for a few days all is well, and then boom, it starts again. I can start the darn diss arguments and then cant remember what they were about. ...I have done it all, but now thru a recovery group based on the 12 step program and I am reading more in here on my behavior, things are improving....I pray a lot, and read the Bible and we have discussions at recovery on the things we have read between meetings..no one calls you down, all individuals that want to talk about their dilemmas in life are heard and input from others can be expressed and directed to you, but no one is judged for what they have done.....all is faith based, and we use Biblical references when we need help...my conclusion on all kinds of disorders can be healed or controlled by God's word, but you gotta go to meetings and be willing to change,,,PAD will kill your marriage , and cause the PAD to lose many a good job and you will ( the PAD person will be angry for ever). I am tired of being angry, it will kill you socially...imho.
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