What the heck is wrong with me? - Talk About Marriage
Physical & Mental Health Issues Marriage and relationships are difficult by themselves, but coping with physical or mental health problems can make things even more difficult.

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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 04-10-2016, 07:43 PM Thread Starter
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What the heck is wrong with me?

I realize I'm emotionally...unstable, I guess. I take citalopram for it and it helps a little. I have my ups n downs but it seems to make it much less like a roller coaster and more like a slightly bumpy car ride.

So anyway, I have this thing I do...I try to stop, but it just takes hold of me and destroys me. Here's how it is: I hold onto unpleasant experiences way longer than I need to. I associate them with a person or set of circumstances and then I can never really get over it and it contaminates my mind further every time i'm in a similar situation.

Example: While me and my wife get along ok most of the time, her extreme absentmindedness causes me a bit of inconvenience and discomfort. Things like tonight, its her night to do bedtime with the kids, but she had to run a quick errand that turned into well over an hour. So she's gone, the kids are melting down cuz where's mama!?!?! And its her night for bed and I could just take them to bed but we washed the bedding today and its still in the car. And I wanted to go to bed early because I have to get up early and now I can't. Even now that she's home and its all better I'm much too agitated to think about sleep.

And its such a little thing, but in my mind it connects to EVERY TIME her absentmindedness has done this to me, and suddenly its like, I'm not mad at you for this one time, I'm mad at you for this time and every time before it. Like all the times she's insisted i stay up till midnight with her watching TV even though she knows I gotta get up at 4 for work, or all the times it's been my day off and my turn to sleep in and then she springs some surprise early morning thing on me because she forgot about it till just now.

I do it to everyone on some level. Most of the time you wouldn't even know because I keep it under wraps through sheer will and focus, but it still gets in there and digs at me.

I realize this isn't healthy or even rational but jesus its poisoning me sometimes. I have this pain and pressure right behind my eyes, a slight feeling of nausea and an overall sense of just wrongness. Like I aint had a shower in a week and I'm coming down with a cold.

WTF is wrong with me?

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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 04-10-2016, 07:53 PM
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Re: What the heck is wrong with me?

There is nothing wrong with you. You are responding to repeated instances of inconsiderate behavior. Why do you think it's absentmindedness?

Whatever it is, you need to let her know that this tendency to forget bothers you. When she plans something at a time when you need to sleep, go to sleep. If you keep to the agreement you make even when she forgets, she will begin to remember.

The staying out with the laundry thing, you could have used any bedding to put the children to bed for the night.

Could she be resentful of things that you do?

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Last edited by Catherine602; 04-16-2016 at 04:08 PM.
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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 04-10-2016, 08:31 PM
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Re: What the heck is wrong with me?

The only thing wrong with you is your species. It is a human tendency for feelings of anger to manifest in the exactly the way you've described. The very fact that you are conscious of it and desirous to rise above it means you are one of the better humans. It sounds like you are doing exactly what you need to be doing to stay on top of it. And if you ever do find yourself speaking unkindly to your wife as a result, don't be one of those humans that is too proud to say "I'm sorry. It was wrong of me to bring up X. I was really angry about Y, not X, but I forgive you for that too."
As for the absentmindedness, I am the absentminded one in my marriage. I do things like that to my wife all the time. Sometimes I get in big trouble for it. I really don't mean to be that way, but I am. I have been diagnosed with Adult ADHD. Perhaps your wife is similarly afflicted. If so, she needs lots of patience and support. But don't be afraid to speak up when something bothers you. Bottling things up just makes it worse. Just be sure to voice your frustrations calmly, gently, and kindly.
And whenever I get mad at my wife, I always make sure to say "I love you" all the more frequently, as a reminder to both of us. Those are the last three words that come to my wife's mind when we fight, and she gets annoyed with me for doing it. But I still think it helps the situation anyway.
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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 04-12-2016, 04:42 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What the heck is wrong with me?

You're both right so far. She's got a little bit of some sort of ADHD or something (hell she can't even remember shes married half the time, but that's about story lol). She's quite forgetful, and it bothers me. And sometimes yeah, it makes me feel like she's saying "I'm doing this because I truly don't care about you."

But that's only part of it. I know she's like this. My crazy still goes deeper than that. I may not have explained it well. Along with my original example I gave, think about this: A pet peeve of mine is cooking. If I'm cooking, I want to cook. I don't like people hovering over me, offering tips or suggestions or criticisms. Maybe that's wrong of me, but its me. She knows this. We've discussed this. It's "You cook or I cook, pick one." Still, whenever I'm cooking, she can't help but wander in and start offering tips, and then suggestions, and then finally just grabbing stuff off the stove and taking over.

So now, 8 years into the marriage, and basically any time Im cooking and she's even in the house, I start feeling antsy and testy. Already irritible, because its like, "Yep, shes' gonna come in here any minute and start messing with me. She knows how much i hate it and she's gonna do it anyway."

And of course, by the time and wanders in and is like "Did you stir the potatoes?" Then I'm like "Fine, you cook!" Because in my mind she's been harassing me for the entire meal.

Crazy, right? Same as the bedtime thing. If it's her night for bedtime and she has to "run out" for something, I'm instantly put into a foul mood because she's probably gonna pull the same crap.

Now I'm not for a second blaming my problems on her. Yeah, it's annoying, but it shouldn't bother me this much, adn it's not her fault I obsess about **** that hasn't even happened yet.
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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 04-12-2016, 09:56 PM
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Re: What the heck is wrong with me?

She forgets she's married, huh? My father has been bragging to my mother for 35 years about their extravagant honeymoon in Hawaii. They've never been to Hawaii and will never have money to. But with my mother being as scatterbrained as she is, my father is convinced that someday he will get her to believe that they actually went to Hawaii and she just forgot about it. Honestly, I'm surprised she hasn't bought into it yet.
As for your concerns about your feelings of agitation and resentment, if you are that concerned about it, talk to your doctor and/or a therapist about it. Agitation, irritability, and personality changes can be side effects of many antidepressants, including Citalopram. My wife was hospitalized last year because Citalopram turned her completely crazy and had her doing all kinds of things (like cutting herself) that she has never done before or since. Certain other antidepressants turn her into a total bully. Antidepressants effect some people differently than others. So if you began experiencing this after beginning the medication, you may consider that as a potential culprit.
Also, you should certainly talk to your wife about your concerns, both about her behavior and about your behavior. For one thing, it sounds like you are bottling up a lot of little frustrations that you really don't need to. Get them off your chest in a way that will not lead to conflict or hurt feelings so that they don't suddenly burst out of you all at once and lead to a fight. And for another thing, your wife should know that you have concerns about your own thoughts and behavior. It may make you feel a little vulnerable to talk to her about it, but even without knowing her, I can still say that the odds are high that she will be grateful to you for turning to her. She may already recognize recent changes in your behavior that you yourself haven't noticed yet. She may be able to offer your advice that no one on this board can. And if you do find yourself snapping at her next time these feelings hit, she will be less likely to take it personally if she knows and understands where you are at mentally and emotionally right now. She will also be more likely to respond to your irritability with patience and forgiveness if you have already accepted ownership of your unhealthy thoughts and behaviors. Bottom line, don't be afraid to lean on her just a little, even if you feel she has too many other things on her plate. Your bond will grow closer as you work through this together.
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