Finally seeking help! - Talk About Marriage
Physical & Mental Health Issues Marriage and relationships are difficult by themselves, but coping with physical or mental health problems can make things even more difficult.

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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 10-13-2011, 10:05 PM Thread Starter
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Finally seeking help!

My wife and I have been married for 11 years. We have three small children. All this time I felt that everything was okay. However, over the last several weeks I've started noticing things that I'm doing that are sabotaging our marriage. I have caught myself doing things that were not nice.

I know that I'm not doing it intentionally but I now notice that I am a negative person. I have issues with people around me being happy. That sucks! I know that I need help but I fear that I may have lost the only person that I truly love.

Well two days ago it came full circle. We talked about our marriage and where it's going. I have never cried so much in a two day period... I am exhausted as I type.

I know exactly what I have done to hurt my wife. Can someone help me understand what is going on? Can I ever reconnect with my wife? Will she ever love me the way she loved me when we got married?

I told her that I will do everything in my power to fix what I have done. I have stated that I can't undo the bad things that I have done but I will do everything in my power to fix ME. I want to fix ME! I want to be a positive person for my children but most importantly for my wife. Some of these feelings I'm having are because I've been thinking about my purpose in life. How do people percieve me?

Last edited by spiritualconnection; 10-13-2011 at 10:10 PM.
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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 10-13-2011, 10:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Finally seeking help!

I wanted to add that about 11 years ago around our marriage I took Paxil for a couple months. It was for panic attacks that I was having. All this time I was thinking it was just panic attacks about getting married. However, I feel that was the sign I needed more help.

Right now I am so angry at myself for doing these things. When I say doing things I mean, not appreciating her, not emotionally connecting with her and not being there for her.
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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 10-22-2011, 11:37 AM
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Re: Finally seeking help!

Well, if you are still living with her it may not be too late. My wife of 16 years took herself and the kids and moved 2 hours away. It has been the worst 6 weeks of my life and everything I do makes things worse. My advise would be to stop worrying about connecting with your wife and fix yourself. See a therapist and get on medication and commit to it. I tried many times to treat my depression, but I never committed to it. The pain of losing my family is overwhelming. Since they have left I exercise an hour a day, I am on wellbutrin and xanax, I am in councilling, and I will likely still lose everything dear to me.
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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 10-22-2011, 12:59 PM
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Re: Finally seeking help!

I agree with DSpan, you have to get yourself together. Talk with your wife and let her know that is what you want - to fix you and then focus on the marriage. In the meantime, be as nice and loving as possible, but keep the focus on you.
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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 10-22-2011, 01:14 PM
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Re: Finally seeking help!

I must say it's very awesome that you have noticed this and want to be a more positive person, that's great !!

Your purpose in life is open to your own interpretations and that is something you must decide for yourself. Everyone is kinda unique this way.

I'll share that I believe my purpose in life is to be the best person I can be. That means learning, growing, finding inner peace, having good self esteem, resolving past issues, developing skills to cope with stress.

And the big one... I only control me, but that includes how I react to everything else. The good old "Golden Rule".

In other words... life is a challenge. Figure out how to solve life's problems, in a way that doesn't hurt anyone else.

And as far as "what do people think of me?". I try to remember that what someone else thinks of me, is none of my business. I answer to a higher power for my behavior.

You can only look forward. And forgive yourself for whatever you may have done in the past, learn from it, and put your best foot forward. Next time, you will have the skills to react better. That's what counts.
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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 10-23-2011, 10:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Finally seeking help!

Wow! I have no idea what has happened to me in the last week.

It started off with me basically wanting to seek help for my anxiety and depression. I never realized I was as negative person as I was. I started seeing a therapist and reading the book "The Power of Now" which is a very powerful book.

Well I went to a therapist and had several conversations with my wife. However, she just seemed distant and not interested in fixing anything. So I started to do some of my own investigating. Getting on her Facebook account and reading her text messages. Well the first three nights I didn't find anything. She wiped out everything on her phone each night. However, the fourth night I hit the perverbial jackpot.

She's been sexting some guy she met at her class reunion whom she continued talking with on Facebook.

These text messages were really personal. They included personal threats toward me, insults and mockery of me by my wife and this other guy.

So I did what I thought was the best thing... I grabbed my phone and started taking pictures of the messages.

The next night she was laying in bed texting as usual. I reached over to try and grab the phone. She sort of freaked out asking what I was doing. I said, "I want to know what's going on with that damn phone!" She said, "Nothing just playing games with friends on-line." I said, "Yeah! Right!"

I proceeded to whip out my cellphone where I read her text messages which I photographed. She was pissed! Wanting to know how I got those text messages.

I told her I already have a lawyer and she better find one as well. I left the room and went out on the couch. She followed me and wanted to have the conversation at that time.

I asked her, "What do you think your boyfriends wife will say when he's served with a restraining order for threatening me?" She said, "It was just a joke!" I said, "Funny as in Ha Ha!"

I immediately ran to our bedroom and grabbed her phone. That's when she attacked with nails in fear of what I was about to do. I locked myself in our bathroom. I proceeded to text her boyfriend telling him I know everything.

By the next morning... we didn't sleep at all. We talked from 1:00 am until 6:00 am the next morning. We had some really deep conversations. She agreed to go to counseling and when she figured out what's going on in her head we would go to group counseling.

I believe her when she said it was nothing serious but was probably headed toward something serious.

So I think I salvaged my marriage. I know this is a long process and will take time to heal the wounds. However, just today she hugged me and kissed me. We even took the kids on a walk in which we held hands and hugged.

So after all this... if after counseling we still get divorced I will be happy because I think she's bi-polar or has some major issues.

I'm not perfect! I know I have issues but in my opinion she has some major issues which all started after our last child was born.
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