Seeking advise - Talk About Marriage
Physical & Mental Health Issues Marriage and relationships are difficult by themselves, but coping with physical or mental health problems can make things even more difficult.

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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 05-13-2016, 01:12 PM Thread Starter
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Seeking advise

I'm honestly not sure if this is the correct sub to post this so mods please move.

I have been married to my wife for almost 7 years, we have one child. Things have been rocky for some time; but currently not as bad as its been. My wife was in denial she was bi-polar and after a complete break down she agreed to be evaluated; she was diagnosed as bipolar type 2. She then refused further treatment in the form of mood stabilizers or therapy for 6-9 months. Around 5 months ago she made the decision to begin antidepressant medication. Our relationship has improved from where it was but no where near perfect.

I’ll spare some details but I was advised by my doctor that I needed to begin eating healthier, begin exercising, and loose some weight 20-30 lbs. My wife has been everything but supportive, constantly nagging at me about working out and nit picking my daily diet which is by no means extreme. I feel like she is constantly trying to sabotage me by eating out and buying sweets and other treats I don’t want in the house.

My wife is considered obese by medical standards yet she has zero interest in doing anything about it. She has talked about eating better trying different calorie counters on her phone, joining weight watchers (which she is still paying for and not using), and a couple stints where she does different work outs or exercise actives but it never lasts more than a week or two. She has really let herself go since we had our child; it is almost to the point that i don’t find her attractive any more. It seems that because she has no motivation to improve herself she feels that I shouldn’t either and in constantly projecting

I really don’t know how to even address this. I’ve talked to her and re-assured her that my goals are to improve my health and that exercising does make me feel better and more focused at work; but I am always met with comments like “hope she likes the new you” or “you’re doing this just to leave me”.

I want to get a gym membership and work on some strength training but I know this will only start a major fight. I am also exhausted of this plateua I have reached because every inch that I am gaining by working out is lost by giving in to her poor diet choices just to turn a cheek and avoid an argument.

I also think there may be some co-dependance issues; she always has to be around me when not at work - To the point that I just need a me vacation and some time to myself! Whenever I try to distance myself just a bit to relax she sees this as I’m not interested in her anymore.

What can I do?

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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 05-13-2016, 01:17 PM
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Re: Seeking advise

Work out more, work on yourself more, explain to your wife that she's stagnating.
If you wind up falling out of love with her, you should divorce and move on rather than having something where "it just happened" and you cheat.

You should go to counseling and give everything you can to make sure you did your part as a husband. Personally, I see mental illness as a legitimate reason to divorce.
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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 05-13-2016, 01:51 PM
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Re: Seeking advise

Take care of yourself. Drink only water and iced tea (unsweetened). Eat healthy 95% of the time. Definitely start lifting weights, it makes you feel great. You'll get in great shape within 6 months if you keep at it, gym 4x a week. Start taking protein shakes. You should be taking in around 150-200g of protein when lifting heavy.

Not your fault she's a fat ass. A lot of us guys have been there, including me. My wife let herself go and that was just a 20% of our issues. People that are fat are unhappy. It's how they cope with their unhappy life. I left her and life is once again good. Divorce sucks my friend, but wasting your life in a miserable marriage is far much worse.
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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 05-13-2016, 02:03 PM
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Re: Seeking advise

take care of yourself.

if your taking care of yourself bothers her, that is not your problem-- it's hers.

also, if you are overweight, don't start taking protein shakes. you need fewer calories in your diet, not more. protein supplements are for people who are training to gain weight, not lose it.

eat healthy food and monitor your calories. first establish your baseline daily calories. this is the amount you would eat that neither causes you to gain weight nor lose it. it should be somewhere in the range of 2200 to 2500 for an adult male.

once you've established your baseline, aim for a daily deficit of 100 to 200 calories below what it would take you to maintain your current weight. It will likely take you several weeks to nail this down.

the idea is that you lose weight very gradually with a mild, sustainable calorie deficit. this will make weight loss manageable and will not mess up your metabolism (which can happen with extreme diets).

if you combine this with a good exercise program, you will be in good shape in relatively short order.

the key is following a plan long term. it is a marathon, not a sprint. you're better off establishing exercise and diet that you can stick with rather than more extreme versions that will cause you to burn out.
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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 05-13-2016, 02:21 PM
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Re: Seeking advise

Don't let her take you down with her. You offer to work out together. If she declines then that is on her. Anon111 makes a valid point. It is a marathon and not sprint. I tell my W this but she did not really buy into until her brother said the same thing. She gets a bit discourage as I loose the weight faster. She always believes within a weeks time she should shed 40 pounds.

Anyway, keep on working on you.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 05-13-2016, 08:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Seeking advise

thanks to everyone for the replies so far. It sounds like i'm on the right path but need to just do what i need and not worry about the fall out
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 05-13-2016, 08:27 PM
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Re: Seeking advise

Sounds like she feels threatened by your newly found success. Sometimes people don't want others to be successful, because it makes them feel like a failure. Which they may be, but having failures as company makes it not seem so bad.

As a mother, I eat stress for breakfast. - Megan Conley

I don't trust words. I even question actions. But I hardly ever doubt patterns.
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