Parents failed marriage effecting outlook on relationship/marriage

liveinlove · 10-23-2011, 03:40 AM

Hello,
I hope I'm posting this in the right section. If not I am sorry. I guess I should give you a little background info.

I am 19 almost 20 years old and am the 3rd oldest of 6 children. My parents have been married for almost 27 years. Although that sounds like a long time, it hasn’t always been happy for them. In fact, when I was about 8 years old is when I saw my parents marriage start to slip away right infront of my eyes. Since that time their marriage has just become worse. About 5 years ago their marrage turned into a domestic violence situation with abuse, fighting, yelling you name it. Since that time my mother has seeked emotional support in other men. This hurt me very much, but I also know my father was no angel to my mother either. When I was a young girl she told me he had cheated on her (again I have no idea if this is true). Sadly my mother took comfort in my older sister and myself. Telling us things we NEVER should have known about at such a young age regarding her relationship with my father. There is not a doubt in my mind, I know my mother no longer loves my father. My father on the other hand says he still loves her. I know their marriage will end in divorce its just a matter of time. Not an IF but a WHEN. How do I deal with seeing my father hurt knowing his wife doesn’t want to be with him anymore? Because of THEIR problems with eachother my older sister and myself sadly never had much of a childhood. I know my older sibings (a brother who’s 22 & a sister who’s 20), and myself will deal with this differently then my younger sibings. We had to grow up very fast, my younger sibings on the other hand didn’t. I feel for my younger sibings (two brothers 16 & 13 and a sister 11) because they are still so young. I feel for them because they will not grow up in a two parent household like I did. Sadly because of my parents marrage it has made myself very scared of marriage or even a relationship. My parents marriage was all I had to look up to when I was little when it came to relationships. It was all I saw. I know not all relationships/marriages are like my parents, but I can’t help but be scared that my life will also turn out like theirs. In the back of my mind all I think is “whats the point if this is what a relationship is about?” I know its not true but I can’t stop thinking that way. How do I deal with my parents divorcing as well as help my younger siblings? Something else that is going to be hard is seeing our parents with other people. I know my mother will move on and find someone else. But how do we deal with this? I'd like to one day be in a relationship, but I have no idea HOW to.
Thanks for the help,
S

Blanca · 10-23-2011, 09:15 PM

I'm sorry about what you're family is going through. I am the fifth of six kids and my parents relationship was also a disaster. I had no interest in relationships, but then I met my H. I never cared for anyone until I meant him and I felt helpless to that feeling. Some people do go their whole life without being in love or getting married and I guess that works for them. If that is what you think is right for you then I'm sure you will be fine. But if you do happen to meet someone who makes you feel helplessly in love then you'll have to go through all the relationship drama.

It's not necessarily a bad thing. Although in some cases it is. My sister is in very abusive relationships and her life has spiraled out of control. But in my case, although my relationship was rocky, it's better now. I've learned a lot about myself and I feel I understand life better. I probably would have been fine going through life single but knowing what I know now I would never want to have missed meeting my H.