ItsOnlyMe

The last few days of my life have been really bad, even worse for my wife..... Its going to be a long post....But I'm going to let it all hang out.

I met her through my sister, they were room mates. Originally, She was dating my room mate, but when things didn't work out there, we started dating and it quickly got very serious. Within 6 months, I closed up my business and moved 400 miles to be with her. She was and is my hearts desire. We moved in together and lived together from mid 95 and got married in 97(on April fools day). We have a 17 year old daughter, my Step daughter, but my girl all the same.

Over the last few years, I have found myself getting complacent and apathetic. Picking on small things(negative), Avoiding those small things like those "hi honey" phone calls during the day(positive). I don't know why i do this. I still madly in love with her..

I started having trouble communicating with her ,on an intimate level. There are some childhood issues there and I wont go into that. Anyways, Instead of talking and saying what I fealt, id act out my frustrations. I'd get up in middle of the night stomp around the house. If that didn't work, I'd go lock myself in another room. She'd wake up in middle of the night knocking on the door crying and asking what was wrong and I'd tell her to leave me alone. All this stemming from my inability to communicate, 90% of the time it was about sex, or the lack of it. I'd get upset at the stupidest things. Me doing that made her super sensitive to small things just the same. She would wonder if i was upset at her because i didn't answer my cell phone or was busy and couldn't get to the phone (I'm blue collar and my hands get very dirty, so i need to wash them before i can answer the phone, or put my hands towards my face, or I'd be right in the middle of something). So, now we have me acting like a little kid and as a result, her always walking on egg shells being super sensitive. And this goes on for a few years

At the beginning of December, my wifes grandmother gets Ill(85) she's been sick before, but is tough and always beats it. Not this time. Keep in mind, My wife was raised by her grandmother because her mother ran off. Unknown to me, her granny is terminal. In this time, I send her an email from the road saying I wanted more of her time and I wasn't happy feeling like I was last in line for her attention. Well, at the same time she got my stupid email, she got the news that her grandmother wasn't coming home and was headed to hospice. I can only imagine what she was feeling. Her husband of 11 years and friend of 14 years giving her ultimatums and here grandmother(mother by means) going to die in a week. She passed on 12/21.

Last Tuesday, she tells me she loves me, but isn't sure she wants to be in this relationship. Id ,like to say i was blindsided, but in reality I have been a real putz. In my wildest dreams, I would of never thought that the events of my childhood, no matter how deeply buried in my mind, would of crept out and laid waste to my marriage.

I have tried talking to her, but how do you talk to your spouse when she is burying her mother(granny), yet I keep trying to do even with EVERYONE I know telling me to give it time. Thats easier said than done with someone that has been told he has mild ADHD. As hard as I try, I cant get a grip of my emotions. They are ruling me . They are gnawing at me every minute I'm awake. i am desperately trying to make things better and by doing that, i am being smothering and making things worse. I don't know how to back off, but I feel ,like I'm dying inside.

We have agreed to seek counseling and have found someone that will see us before New Years. But she says to me through crying and tears, she's not going to make any promises.

I don't want this to sound like its all me, and woe is me, But i have manged to mess things up so badly, I don't know what to do. Add Christmas to the whole mess.

Last thing I wanted to mention, is both her and i work 40-60 hours a week. She usually works 45 hours ( 2 jobs) and i usually do about 50, sometimes 60( self employed) The past few days I haven't been able to even work. getting a grip is easier said than done.. Help

We went out to dinner tonight, on a date, and she acted happy, we talked and had a good time. The counselor called, and I sent the call to voice mail. She asked who it was and I told her. She told me I should answer it because it was important. i called him back and we spoke for 2 minutes and set the appointment. 2 minutes later, She was in tears and said she had to go to the bathroom. I'm going to stop here because I'm starting to go in circles. I have told her I love her now more than anything or anyone and would do whatever it takes to win here back, but she still seems to look at it negatively.

She has done some pretty ****ty things herself, but thats not what I wanted this post to be about

There have been some tell tale signs. but that would also be another thread in another forum.

MarkTwain

I feel you're leaving out the information that is most important.

As for timing. Christmas is the worst possible time to try to make anything happen in a hurry. Most families are in a terrible state of stress at this time of year. And this year is arguably worse than most.

Calm down, take a deep breath, and keep writing. You can get through this. We are your sounding board.

ItsOnlyMe

What im leaving out. I was treated "inappropriately as a child". I cant bring myself to type it. I've not thought about it for many many years. im only 39. Back in the 70's there was no system for helping or catching these things. i never got any counseling. Sometimes i wonder if it all was just a dream, if it really happened or not. I did decide to give complete disclosure to my wife last night and give her as many details as i could remember, trying to put a name/face on my actions, but all I can get is an "i dont know". "I love you but i dont know." " i love you but my feeling have changed and i dont know if they can change back" and the anxeity is starting to paralize me. i had these feeling when we first started dating, this time its 1000% worse...

We still sleep in the same bed, but mentally and emotionally, we are on opposite sides of the planet and its tearing me apart. I told her i feel like a love struck teenager.

We just got another shocker, The funeral plan her gandmother had really didnt cover that much, so she put 3500 on her credit card. because here aunt and mother dont have credit cards or money. i told her ill pay it, i want to. She claims she's used to doing things by herself now anyways, but thats not true. She's only focusing on the negatives. We have had so so many good times, gone to a great many places and seen a great many things together. i mean if i were to try and put a good percentage on it vs bad, it be 98% good and 2% bad. In the past, we've sat and talked at length about things and she would tell me how happy she was and how lucky she felt, id also say the same, she'd lay her head in my lap. All of the things ppl do when they are in love, but still says this has been going on for years. She says she could never talk to me. thats not true. There were times when I just couldnt talk , but when we did. we'd work things through and we'd kiss and make up and i thought some things were behind us

when we 1st got married, i caught here emailing some guy, along with one of her best friend, and the emails got kind of racey. it really hurt me. We spoke alot about that and she immediately stopped. A few yars later, she started talking to a few of her male friends ,friends from high school. one was in jail and having health issues, so we were getting letters from a "correctional institue" and the other was starting a relationship and considering getting married, which he now is and has been for a while. that kinda fizzled out. About 24months ago, She gets a myspace account, and so did i, because of our daughter(kinda keeping tabs). We i start noticing her 'friends list growing" and i see an ocala name and Its a guy. my gears start turning. I logged on to her account, and they are emailing eachother daily, so one night i checked her cell phone and they were also texting and this guy was trying to set up a rendezvous. her reply was no im married, but my feelings were crushed all the same. its almost like feeling that youve fallen off of a cliff. last year, i start getting anonymous myspace messages saying things like your wife is a ***** and a family splitter,




We talked about that and she swears it was BS and backstabbing going on at her work



About 8 months ago, her lifelong friend decided to up and move out of state, and that upset her alot. then, about 6 weeks ago another of her best friends decided to up and leave her husband and 4(2 eight year old girls and 2 teen kids from both of their previous marriages) kids to go chase/live with a childhood crush. im not really sure how that affected her. Lately she's been texting alot and that kinda got my gears turning. She says her friend, the one that moved away, now moved back, following her boyfriend that left her in texas, and they dont have a phone and cant afford the minutes, so they text. well, the other night, we were texting eachother, bad move to try and text when hurting. i was itting outside in my car listening to music and she wanted me to come in, i asked her to come out and talk, we did. Anyways, that night I see here texting again, So late that night, i get her cell phone and go looking. The only text messages in it are from me. 8 from me in the inbox and 10 sent to me. EVERTHING else is deleted, even the trash/deleted folder is empty.

Well, I kinda lost it. I did my usual unable to communicate thing and left the room. that didnt work, so walked around the house and stuff, finally I got so fraustated, I went to my office and did paperwork. This is what pushed things over the edge she said. Add to this Christmas time, Here closest relatives painful death. I want to just sit and talk with her, and go through everyhting one at a time, but she cries and says "you want to do this right now?" and "im hurt and i dont know if i cant trust you" and "you've broken my heart". She tells me she has tried to talk to me on many ocassions and i just shut her out constantly and that action has devasted her. She cried in my arms last night..

Im in a frenzied state of panic,Im having severe anxiety attacks and starting to drink whiskey for breakfast and diner. having trouble working. im at work right now.......I dont know how to fix things. I have 100& of myself vested in this relationship. im so deeply inlove with her and cant believe thats things have gotten so out of hand.

Im having one or 2 ppl tell me that maybe she married me to help with her daughet and now that thats about done with, my usefulness has ended.

MarkTwain

Please explain this part, especially the last sentence.

ItsOnlyMe

Ok, She'd get me all worked up about being with her, but when we go to bed, Its like she totally forgets. it drives me nuts, i dont know how to tell her that. Or we start to kiss and stuff, she falls asleep or rub on me and she falls asleep. I have mentioned this a few times and tells her how much it bothers me, but she's appologizes and says she's just tired. Sundays used to be our day we ALWAYS either started the day or ended it with some intimate time. that doesnt seem to be the case anymore, ive mentioned it hintingly as best i could, but never seemed to get the point across. So, back to my stupid antics. it seems so childish when i read what i am typing and that i just cant explain. worse part of it is, doing this on a Sunday, keeps her from sleeping a full night, so on monday, which is her long day(gets up at 5am,leaves the, house at 7 am ,8am - 4pm at one job 5:30-11pm ) I've caused her to be tired. we both work long hours and seem to be on different time zones. She says that she has tried over and over to talk to me about her feelings and i tell her i am busy, then when i want to talk, she says she is tired. our finances are split, which is probably a mistake. I admit i bear most of the fault for being where we are, i can accept that,and i am willing to do whatever and i mean whatever it takes to make it right, but she also has a prt in this debacle. She's acting as if she's on the fence saying stuff, like"i cant promiss you my feelings will change" yet 3 weeks ago, before the news about her grandmother, we were happy, talking about our next vacation and Christmas. 2 peas in a pod. Yet it seems after her grandmother went into a comatose state, I was now the enemy and cause of all of her grief for past few years. She tells me over lunch that she needs her space, but calls me on the phone a few times durring the day, yes i answer it and now look forwards to those little calls, about what she's doing and at the end of us talking she says "I love you" I say the same. its just getting more confusing to me at this point.

MarkTwain

ItsOnlyMe-

I realize it's hard for you to be direct even anonymously...
3 questions:

1)How often you have sex now, and how often you used to have it?

2) Are you saying that you have not directly told her that lack of sex is the problem?

3)Sorry to put you on the spot, but can you explain how this plays into your childhood trauma?

__________________
MT

ItsOnlyMe

I realize it's hard for you to be direct even anonymously...
3 questions:

When we started dating, just about everytime we saw each other.(weekends)( i was 25) she a always initiated. When we moved in, everyday at least once, 365, sometimes twice. After we got married, and it seems like right after we got married, 5 times a week, as time has gone by its gotten down to 2 times a week. Used to be really spontanious at times. Now its at night in the bedroom only. Now with everything going on.. Its been 10 days. And that last sentence is making me feel really selfish.

Over time we have both gained some weight and she has told me "she doesnt feel sexy" I always would tell her that she was to me. she's stated dieting a while back and dropped weight, even met her goal. I also started. Dont get me wrong, we arent huge, Its just getting older, I managed to pick up a gutt
yes and no. I have brought it up, and she says she's doing what she can and when I bring up the past, she says she works alot more now and is tired. I dont know if im getting the "imporatnce to me" of it across, maybe just a guy thing I suppose

OK, Boundaries. and somewhat guilt. I dont know how to say what I want in this area, maybe call them my needs. the words just dont come out.. I cant explain it. She has mentioned in the past that she wanted me to be more agressive, initiate, I dont know how.. I dont know when she is or isnt in the mood. Im not sure what im scared of. rejection or the gutt feeling of is she doing this because "SHE" wants to or me, would this make her uncomfortable, kinda like thinking im forcing it to happen, in a really bad way of thinking of it.

I wanted to add one thing. the thing that is hurting. eating at me the most, and causing these panic attacks is the fact that she says after asking me to go to counselling and me saying yes, i want things back, and showing my eagerness to make her feel better, she has done a 180 and now is acting like, well i cant promiss my feelings will change, whcih she said happened, from a monday night to a tuesday morning and also happened in synchronus with the news of her grandmother being fatal with only a few days to live if that. I feel guilty and ashamed for trying to bring up my feelings when she is having such a rough time handleing her grannys death, But I feel I have been thrown away this last 10 days. I thought after 14 years, I would of been her confidant, her go to guy in times of chrisis. its kind of a sickening feeling when you feel that you are nowhere near as important to your partner than they are to you. totally uneven. maybe im reading to much into things, and maybe this is how she needs to cope with her grief. i dont know, but it hurts just the same

MarkTwain

ItsOnlyMe-

First of all, even though it's obvious that you are in one hell of a state, you need to let her grieve over her granny. That will go on for a while. It might be intense for 2 more weeks to a month. After that she will calm down, but every now and then a wave of emotion will hit her.

She may eat less, which might help with her self esteem, or she might comfort eat.

As far as sex goes, you seem to be saying that you never initiate for fear of rejection, but you get irritated by her not jumping on you. I don't know if she can guess why you are irritable, or if it's a mystery to her. A lot of people get into this sort of dead-lock. Have you considered that if a man never initiates it makes the woman feel undesirable?

It is only since the 1960s that women have been initiating sex in a big way. Before that it was the man's prerogative. Deep down, she may feel you have not nourished that need in her. Of course right now, you are going to get rejected a lot more often than you would if she was not upset. But in time, it might be different. People who initiate have to face the fact that they will be rejected. In some marriages it's 9 times out of 10! She has given you a green light about initiation already:

Believe me when I tell you women rarely give such a direct statement. I am sure she meant it.

You see, there are two words there. Initiate means you have to ask, or start with touching or whatever your style is. Agressive means that if she rejects you, you take it like a man and don't go off with your tale between your legs. But it also means that she may want you to initiate in a certain way. She wants you to be confident and manly. If it's done right, women love a bit of cheeky c0cky behaviour.

You can master this, and it will be fun. but you need to give her space at the moment, or it will all backfire. Get this next two weeks right, and she will really admire you. Don't blow it.

Also, keep writing. You are having trouble talking with her, and you are having trouble writing here. But you are managing. And a fairly clear picture is coming across from you now. But some of your thoughts need clarifying. The writing will help with that. And when you are healed, you can help others.

My childhood was not pleasant either, but it does give me an insight into other people sometimes.

__________________
MT

ItsOnlyMe

I am trying to write more, but i also get really bad gut feeling that knaw at me. Im trying to change all the mistakes i think i have made in the past and i know i cant. i am worrying i wont have the chance to "make it right" in the future. its like there 2 sides to me, the negative side which sometimes takes over and i cant help but keep thinking the worse, no mater how hard i try

Not many Kids have to endure what i did.

I do know i have to "man Up" but she is a part of me and it literally hurts.

ItsOnlyMe

I wanted to add again. I could handle the whole situtation alot better if the "its over" factor hadnt gotten thrown in there. thats the part im stuck on. i know we had our rough patches, but we ALWAYS made up and ALWAY made things right, when we did argue, thats why im feeling this way, The all of suddeness of it"

To top it off, I took this time off of work to be with her, so i really have nothing scheduled for myself to do and when i sit too long my mind starts to over think everyhting

MarkTwain

ItsOnlyMe-

I get the impression that everything is coming to a head for you right now, and that up until now, you've pretty much been able to keep the lid on it. What will not work however, is for you to have a crisis at the same time as your wife. For all you know, she could be back to normal in a few days. Give her time.

I won't try to compete with you on who had the worst childhood, it might ruin people's Christmas

I can laugh about mine now, but I was a wreck at one point.

__________________
MT

ItsOnlyMe

Well , now she doesnt wear her wedding ring anymore , This is something new. She put on her Grandmothers wedding ring. What i dont understand, is the 3 ppl in the world, that loved her most 1 has died, now she has decided to possibly leave the other and its just a matter of time until out just about 18 year old daughter goes out and does her own thing.

ItsOnlyMe

Found something out last night. From her former room mate.

She calls and tells her, lifes too short to not have fun, and lifes to short to not be happy, is what she's saying. She said she wasnt having fun anymore and ppl are dieing all around her and she is now starting to get older herself (37). She didnt say that to me, but to my sister, her old room mate. That seeing her Grandmother laying there dieing made her realize this.

Im not the one that stopped wanting to go out, we used to go out alot, on weekends we'd go to bars with live music, and little by little she seemed to loose interest in that and we pretty much settled in to dinner at a nice resteraunt once a week and then home, becuase she was tired. She didnt want to see the movies i wanted to see and I pretty much did likewise.

This all has something to do with her grandmother dieing and i guess Im along for the ride come what may. The come what may part is whats eating away at me at 5am.

MarkTwain

Keep being loving to her in her hour of need, and put your needs on hold until the New Year. Whatever happens, you are going to come out of this very very well indeed.

__________________
MT

ItsOnlyMe

I know, Im trying, but the wedding ring thing just seems to get to me.