Starting to think my wife is making me depressed - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Physical & Mental Health Issues Marriage and relationships are difficult by themselves, but coping with physical or mental health problems can make things even more difficult.

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post #16 of 27 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 06:16 PM
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Re: Starting to think my wife is making me depressed

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Thank you so much for your concern, I really really appreciate it. It's not every day you get this kind of true compassion from a stranger on the internet. Thank you so much.

Well, my concerns about my feelings towards our relationship have gone out the window. Now I'm just concerned about her. I love her so much, she's so sweet and so in love with me, maybe because the average person wouldn't want to deal with it and she knows it. She doesn't deserve to have a disease. She's just too pure.

Does EDS affect the brain? Could this be why she has trouble learning and maturing?
It can. vEDS has been known to have neurological symptoms. We have vessels in the brain and colagen is used in all biological systems of the body, including the brain. Though not very well understood (EDS) and not a lot of good research has been done some new studies are finding that EDS affects brain functions.

Even presenting with almost MS (multiple sclerosis) like lesions on the brain (but smaller and not as rounded I'm shape).

So, short answer..it can affect brain function.

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post #17 of 27 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 06:18 PM
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Re: Starting to think my wife is making me depressed

It's in my nature to be concerned for others. I'm a caregiver personality and a PSW (equivalent to your CNA professionals)

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post #18 of 27 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 06:19 PM
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Re: Starting to think my wife is making me depressed

You should be cutting the cord not tying the knot.
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post #19 of 27 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 06:21 PM
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Re: Starting to think my wife is making me depressed

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You should be cutting the cord not tying the knot.
Any other time I'd agree with you BUT if this is what I suspect it is health wise...as a fellow human being (and nothing more or less) I'd be lighting that fire under her arse pretty quick too.

Why? Because normally vEDS is diagnosed upon autopsy in most cases.

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post #20 of 27 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 06:26 PM
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Re: Starting to think my wife is making me depressed

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The other things is that some of these things take many, many years to learn about another person. Especially someone you meet at a developmental age. Things that didn't quite sit right in the beginning, I hoped she'd grow into a more mature, intelligent, self-sufficient woman. We only moved in together after ~7 years because I purposefully wanted her to mature on her own, but there goes me playing "daddy" again. The issue is that now, at the 10 year milestone, I'm reflecting back and realizing things might not be cool. Yeah, I'm in a hell of a predicament now that we're slated to get married this coming spring, so the time pressure is on now too. I do this to myself...

Oh and Re: Sexlife....non-existent. When we do, it's explosive, but it's harder to initiate with her and she NEVER initiates. We're both just too exhausted from the day and there's zero spark.
I do get it, and I get that you're frustrated with us telling you to leave this relationship when you think that's a cop-out. It's easy for me to be very objective now, but I was actually in your shoes in my first marriage. I was in a relationship with my ex husband for 13 years, we also loved each other very much, were each other's "best friends," shared many hobbies and preferences, and we were still incredibly ill-suited for one another long term. You can absolutely love someone and they can be wrong for you. I fell out of love with him over time because he was getting overweight and I was losing weight. He was constantly putting me down in front of friends and then complaining about me always being depressed. Then he dropped a bomb on our relationship anyway, but I was slowly disliking the person he was becoming and he thought that I was always too serious and down about everything. Divorcing each other was probably the best thing for both of our futures.

And guess what? We knew each other since 17... And he proposed to me then. We waited until I was done with college before marrying. So, we were married and we STILL had very similar types of challenges you're currently experiencing with your fiancée. It's called growing up and apart. You can want her to mature all you like, but until she has a good personal reason to, she won't. She won't change anything unless she knows she can no longer continue down the path she chooses.

It is very disconcerting to hear about her possible health issues. Get a proper diagnosis first, but understand that you cannot help her if she won't first help herself. You will just exhaust yourself and be another person eventually contributing to the caretaker thread.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #21 of 27 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 06:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Starting to think my wife is making me depressed

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...normally vEDS is diagnosed upon autopsy in most cases.

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post #22 of 27 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 06:39 PM
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Re: Starting to think my wife is making me depressed

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Broken image file??

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post #23 of 27 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 06:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Starting to think my wife is making me depressed

Regarding our relationship woes, it's good to hear some folks that have been in similar situations. It's becoming more and more clear that maybe we shouldn't be getting married. Obviously, I'd like to figure out this EDS thing first, but regardless of that outcome, I think that it's only fair we both sit down and have a talk about the big picture. We've talked about things that KINDA touch upon this, but never a real, serious consideration of "we might both be happier apart". The thing is, I know she won't be, she's seriously helplessly devoted to me. I really do fear for her well being if I leave her. It would break her, especially seeing how much she depends on me for happiness, advice, guidance, assistance, comfort, etc..

I also fear for myself, selfishly, about regretting my decision after a few bad experiences with other women. I should add that we did take a little "break" about 7-8 years ago for just under a year, and while I had fun playing the field, I missed the crap out of her and could never focus on the woman I was with at the time. I always ended up missing her to the point where I'd start talking about her to the new girl! I even cried about it to this poor woman who had just gotten done telling me how into me she was. She's such a sweet and submissive girl that I feel like the first chick I date after her, she'll do something that upsets me and ALL I will think about is how my fiancee never would've did that and how sweet she is and then I'd start thinking about her crying because I left her, and then it leads to the images in my head of her with a new man and....well....you guys know that thought spiral. That scares the crap out of me.
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post #24 of 27 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 06:45 PM
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Re: Starting to think my wife is making me depressed

You do realise that her dependantcy on you is a form of parentificating you as her father figure and your co-dependantcy enables her?

Irregardless of health issues...your relationship is not at all healthy in the least. The two of you may very well be better off separately. However, if you wish to continue in the relationship counselling is an absolute must. Both together and separate.

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post #25 of 27 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 06:55 PM
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Re: Starting to think my wife is making me depressed

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Ok, well, she's actually my fiancee (of 10 years) and we're going to be married very soon. Which I think kindof further complicates things, I guess, but either way...

I hate long long long posts, no one wants to read my auto-biography, so I'll try to keep it short. Please don't mistake my brevity for lack of caring.

I love her more than anything and would do anything for her. We do have a great relationship, we're best friends and do everything together, but over the past few years, I've been getting more and more depressed and detached. I find it harder and harder to get through each day, harder to get "in the mood" with her, and feel generally less excited about life and my relationship, and feel nervous about the future. I'm starting to think that maybe she's actually bringing me down. While she is an extremely sweet girl, loves me more than I could expect another human being to, and is a unique person all around. The problem is her baggage. I thought things would improve over the years, but alas, they have not. It's gotten worse. I'll list some of the issues:
Her baggage is code word for "your baggage", most of the time, at least.

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- She's an extremely low energy person, to a point of concern. She can't keep up with me.

- She won't take care of herself. She has allowed herself to gain a completely unreasonable amount of weight to the point where I'm not attracted to her at all anymore. We have fought for YEARS about it, it's been the battle of my life trying to get her to be healthier, and only recently has she started exercising, but every time she starts making any kind of progress, she falls off the wagon and stops, and has all the excuses in the world.
That certainly is not going to get the job done with her. If you resort to fighting over it, then you have already conceded defeat.

Quote:

- Her family is f*** nuts. They drive me up the wall. They drive her up the wall too, which causes strain on our relationship and is constantly throwing a monkey wrench into our machine. I'd never ask her to excommunicate them, but the more contact she has, the more crap they introduce into our lives. She hangs up the phone with her mom in tears more often than not.
She needs some kind of emotional management training. If it is too bad, then Dr. Laura's advice would apply to her. She would need to realize that she needs to distance herself from them.

Quote:

- Did I mention she's overweight? When I met her, she was cute, thin, and full of smiles. Now, she clogs around, has thighs that make mine look feminine, has no grace or femininity to her demeanor, etc.. I was good for a long time, but as of this past year or so, I can't stop myself from staring at other women on the street. Painfully average women that normally wouldn't stand out, I find myself looking at their average legs and getting huge waves of depression thinking "Why can't I have that?". Skirts are all the rage right now, so all I see around me are nice, thin legs and it's literally going to drive me insane. I haven't been this "eye-wandery" since high school.
She faces an incredible amount of pressure to lose weight. That pressure tends to de-motivate individuals, rather than motivate them. When you look at harsh punishment, even what you extol, there isn't even much significance of a near-term advantage.

Quote:

- She has NO femininity. NONE. She's not graceful, doesn't take note of other women around her and how they carry themselves, extremely clumsy and unobservant, etc.. She hates shopping, wears the same (ugly) clothes for years and years unless I physically drag her out to buy her something, and then she picks the darkest colors that completely cover her up. I've tried to explain it to her in the sense of "Do you like a manly man? Don't you think I would like a girly girl?". She understands, but doesn't seem to know what to do about it, nor does she try. She just doesn't see it as important.
Go out to dinner. Dress in some nice pants, shirt and footwear. Get ready before she does.

What happens then?

Quote:
- She's got some odd bodily issues where she twists her ankle constantly, she get bruises all over the her legs that neither of us know where they come from, her skin is very translucent, she's ALWAYS tired, stressed out and doesn't feel good, gets weird new allergic reactions to things that she's been around forever, and her mom is a complete and total medical crisis. She hasn't gone to the doctor EVER for this and she won't until, again, I physically drag her there myself, pay for it, talk to the doctor for her, etc..

- She doesn't learn. She doesn't learn from mistakes, she doesn't take advice into account, she will just yes me to death when I try to explain something and then 5 minutes later make the same mistakes
She learned to simply agree, to spare herself from a lecture. You have to talk to women differently than men. This isn't feminist BS, it is Psychology or reality.

Quote:


, she doesn't observe people around her and make adjustments to herself based on what she observes, she doesn't inform herself, she doesn't address issues, etc.. This results in me literally having to hold her hand through life and explain EVERYTHING to her as if she was my daughter. I HATE FEELING LIKE I'M MARRYING MY KID. She's hopeless without me by her side and gets extremely anxious when I'm not. This is a HUGE weight on my shoulders and eliminates ALL hope that she will "figure it out" when we have an issue. I need to explain it to her, and then she doesn't learn from it and 'round the merry-go-round we go again. The issues we argue about are the same issues we've argued about and then "resolved" for years.
You shouldn't even put that word in " ". Resolution is when something gets better or changes altogether. That is what we measure against.

Quote:

She's never had a "big girl" job, so she never has money and I constantly am having to financially support her. She has gone months without paying her portion of the rent because she simply can't figure out her job situation, and I have to pick up all the slack. Even now, she's finally making a living wage yet still more often than not can't come up with the full amount she owes, and I need to cover it. Any savings for our future like our wedding, a house, kids, whatever, is 100% on me.
Not resolvable until you figure out how to speak to her.

Quote:

- I'm 30 and she's 27. She's been wanting kids for a LONG time and I'm not ready for that. It's not that me not being ready causes issues
It does...

Quote:

, she admits she's not ready either despite wanting them, but what worries me is whether or not she can HANDLE kids, physically or mentally. If I have to hold her hand through everything in life, it will be the same when kiddos come, I will be doing all the work. As for her body, she's already super over-weight and has all sorts of physical issues as listed out above, I don't know how her body would handle a pregnancy. If you think she's going to work out while she's pregnant you're out of your mind.
The relationship is not ready for children or marriage.

Quote:

- She's socially awkward and inept, even with me. When we're together alone, she never knows what to say, never has anything new to talk about, never brings anything new and exciting to the table, never surprises me or intrigues me, and I feel like this is ALL I do for her. I'm always yappin' her ear off, surprising her, getting excited about something new for us to experience. Even in arguments, she's just silent and waits fore me to break the ice and talk, she has no idea what to say! When it comes to other people, she has no friends of her own, the only "girl friends" she has are girlfriends of my friends and even so, any time they want to hang out she fishes for any excuse she can to cancel with them. She also is a complete and total pushover and has no idea how to say NO, even passively.
This timidity can be rather innate genetically, but also imbued from her first 3 years of life. It would take years for her to "correct" this "problem". At the same time, it being an issue for her does nothing to motivate her.

Quote:

Now that I'm typing this all out, I feel even worse. If I was reading this I would think "then why are you still with her?" and that makes me even more depressed. I guess I got my answer as to whether or not she's bringing me down. I love her so much though, it's hard to imagine life without her and I just couldn't break her sweet, loving, nurturing, giving, helping, healing heart. It has simply taken 10 years to realize how incompatible we actually are, despite all the things we see eye to eye on. There always was and always will be a balance of things that make it worth it and things that don't, and the problem is that the scale is beginning to tip from "worth it" to "not worth it".



Of course you feel worse, you have very little nice to say. Negative energy flowing through you makes you feel the same way.



The biggest problem is that you are stuck in a depressed state, and you are ruminating about things, which keeps you in your spiral. No person can fix this for you. Your thought patterns are 100% your responsibility. There are simple things you can do to fix this (becoming happier!), but it takes action and energy. Researchers find no significant difference between stressed individuals and those that abate stress. What they theorize is that the physiological arousal is most likely the positive energy used to maintain the positive mood, versus the negative emotions and stress hormones.

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post #26 of 27 (permalink) Old 09-12-2016, 07:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Starting to think my wife is making me depressed

Thank you all for your advice. Don't take this as "I'm ignoring what you told me", because I think you're all right about what you said. Maybe we aren't ready for marriage just yet, despite being together for 10 years... However, health issues aside, I stand by my statement that this all seems way worse in writing, and I did not list out ANY of the good qualities of our relationship, which there are many. We definitely, positively, without a doubt have a good relationship when the overall big picture is considered. I also should say that I'm (clearly) in a bit of a less-than-optimal state of mind lately so there was probably a bit of over-exaggeration. I feel like my mind is clearer today, and going back and reading what I wrote, I definitely was a bit over emotional about it. I also have been bottling all of this up, so when it came spilling out, it really, really spilled out.

On that note, I think before anything else happens, we need to sit down and have a talk about this EDS thing. Her mother was diagnosed with EDS, however as I mentioned, she is a bit of a hypochondriac when it comes to absolutely everything, not to mention just a complete mess of a human being mentally, physically, financially, parentally, all the above. So when her mother came to my fiancee swearing "OMG YOU MUST HAVE EDS", in our eyes it was just another incident of her being...well...just being her, for lack of a better word. It's kindof the boy-who-cried-wolf concept at play here, if that makes sense. You're going to have a hard time convincing someone that there really is a medical emergency when ever other day in the past you've gone around screaming about a medical emergency, and then ended up being nothing at all. Regardless of that, my fiancee and I need to talk about this and get her into a real doctor that can make a proper assessment. If it turns out to be real, this changes a lot of things. First off, we can probably forget about having kids because for one, I'm not putting her already-at-risk body through that, and for two, I don't feel like putting my children through having to deal with not only the disease themselves, but also the high potential of prematurely losing their mother.

As if I needed anything else to worry about, her grandmother had breast cancer, and we all know that skips generations, so guess who's at risk for that too..

Thank you all again! I appreciate all of your time and concern.
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post #27 of 27 (permalink) Old 09-13-2016, 07:16 AM
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Re: Starting to think my wife is making me depressed

EDS does not exclude a woman from having children. It just makes her high risk and she will need doctor supervision for any pregnancy.

A lot of EDS patients have gone on to have children. When her mother was diagnosed, her children should have been tested. Why didn't this happen? Doctor dropped the ball there. EDS is primarily diagnosed by genetic testing, not just patient history and doctor.

EDS patients have not just a doctor but a whole health team that includes a geneticist, cardiologist, neurologist, etc.

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