Originally Posted by ThisIsAUserName View Post
Ok, well, she's actually my fiancee (of 10 years) and we're going to be married very soon. Which I think kindof further complicates things, I guess, but either way...
I hate long long long posts, no one wants to read my auto-biography, so I'll try to keep it short. Please don't mistake my brevity for lack of caring.
I love her more than anything and would do anything for her. We do have a great relationship, we're best friends and do everything together, but over the past few years, I've been getting more and more depressed and detached. I find it harder and harder to get through each day, harder to get "in the mood" with her, and feel generally less excited about life and my relationship, and feel nervous about the future. I'm starting to think that maybe she's actually bringing me down. While she is an extremely sweet girl, loves me more than I could expect another human being to, and is a unique person all around. The problem is her baggage. I thought things would improve over the years, but alas, they have not. It's gotten worse. I'll list some of the issues:
Her baggage is code word for "your baggage", most of the time, at least.
- She's an extremely low energy person, to a point of concern. She can't keep up with me.
- She won't take care of herself. She has allowed herself to gain a completely unreasonable amount of weight to the point where I'm not attracted to her at all anymore. We have fought for YEARS about it, it's been the battle of my life trying to get her to be healthier, and only recently has she started exercising, but every time she starts making any kind of progress, she falls off the wagon and stops, and has all the excuses in the world.
That certainly is not going to get the job done with her. If you resort to fighting over it, then you have already conceded defeat.
- Her family is f*** nuts. They drive me up the wall. They drive her up the wall too, which causes strain on our relationship and is constantly throwing a monkey wrench into our machine. I'd never ask her to excommunicate them, but the more contact she has, the more crap they introduce into our lives. She hangs up the phone with her mom in tears more often than not.
She needs some kind of emotional management training. If it is too bad, then Dr. Laura's advice would apply to her. She would need to realize that she needs to distance herself from them.
- Did I mention she's overweight? When I met her, she was cute, thin, and full of smiles. Now, she clogs around, has thighs that make mine look feminine, has no grace or femininity to her demeanor, etc.. I was good for a long time, but as of this past year or so, I can't stop myself from staring at other women on the street. Painfully average women that normally wouldn't stand out, I find myself looking at their average legs and getting huge waves of depression thinking "Why can't I have that?". Skirts are all the rage right now, so all I see around me are nice, thin legs and it's literally going to drive me insane. I haven't been this "eye-wandery" since high school.
She faces an incredible amount of pressure to lose weight. That pressure tends to de-motivate individuals, rather than motivate them. When you look at harsh punishment, even what you extol, there isn't even much significance of a near-term advantage.
- She has NO femininity. NONE. She's not graceful, doesn't take note of other women around her and how they carry themselves, extremely clumsy and unobservant, etc.. She hates shopping, wears the same (ugly) clothes for years and years unless I physically drag her out to buy her something, and then she picks the darkest colors that completely cover her up. I've tried to explain it to her in the sense of "Do you like a manly man? Don't you think I would like a girly girl?". She understands, but doesn't seem to know what to do about it, nor does she try. She just doesn't see it as important.
Go out to dinner. Dress in some nice pants, shirt and footwear. Get ready before she does.
What happens then?
- She's got some odd bodily issues where she twists her ankle constantly, she get bruises all over the her legs that neither of us know where they come from, her skin is very translucent, she's ALWAYS tired, stressed out and doesn't feel good, gets weird new allergic reactions to things that she's been around forever, and her mom is a complete and total medical crisis. She hasn't gone to the doctor EVER for this and she won't until, again, I physically drag her there myself, pay for it, talk to the doctor for her, etc..
- She doesn't learn. She doesn't learn from mistakes, she doesn't take advice into account, she will just yes me to death when I try to explain something and then 5 minutes later make the same mistakes
She learned to simply agree, to spare herself from a lecture. You have to talk to women differently than men. This isn't feminist BS, it is Psychology or reality.
, she doesn't observe people around her and make adjustments to herself based on what she observes, she doesn't inform herself, she doesn't address issues, etc.. This results in me literally having to hold her hand through life and explain EVERYTHING to her as if she was my daughter. I HATE FEELING LIKE I'M MARRYING MY KID. She's hopeless without me by her side and gets extremely anxious when I'm not. This is a HUGE weight on my shoulders and eliminates ALL hope that she will "figure it out" when we have an issue. I need to explain it to her, and then she doesn't learn from it and 'round the merry-go-round we go again. The issues we argue about are the same issues we've argued about and then "resolved" for years.
You shouldn't even put that word in " ". Resolution is when something gets better or changes altogether. That is what we measure against.
She's never had a "big girl" job, so she never has money and I constantly am having to financially support her. She has gone months without paying her portion of the rent because she simply can't figure out her job situation, and I have to pick up all the slack. Even now, she's finally making a living wage yet still more often than not can't come up with the full amount she owes, and I need to cover it. Any savings for our future like our wedding, a house, kids, whatever, is 100% on me.
Not resolvable until you figure out how to speak to her.
- I'm 30 and she's 27. She's been wanting kids for a LONG time and I'm not ready for that. It's not that me not being ready causes issues
, she admits she's not ready either despite wanting them, but what worries me is whether or not she can HANDLE kids, physically or mentally. If I have to hold her hand through everything in life, it will be the same when kiddos come, I will be doing all the work. As for her body, she's already super over-weight and has all sorts of physical issues as listed out above, I don't know how her body would handle a pregnancy. If you think she's going to work out while she's pregnant you're out of your mind.
The relationship is not ready for children or marriage.
- She's socially awkward and inept, even with me. When we're together alone, she never knows what to say, never has anything new to talk about, never brings anything new and exciting to the table, never surprises me or intrigues me, and I feel like this is ALL I do for her. I'm always yappin' her ear off, surprising her, getting excited about something new for us to experience. Even in arguments, she's just silent and waits fore me to break the ice and talk, she has no idea what to say! When it comes to other people, she has no friends of her own, the only "girl friends" she has are girlfriends of my friends and even so, any time they want to hang out she fishes for any excuse she can to cancel with them. She also is a complete and total pushover and has no idea how to say NO, even passively.
This timidity can be rather innate genetically, but also imbued from her first 3 years of life. It would take years for her to "correct" this "problem". At the same time, it being an issue for her does nothing to motivate her.
Now that I'm typing this all out, I feel even worse. If I was reading this I would think "then why are you still with her?" and that makes me even more depressed. I guess I got my answer as to whether or not she's bringing me down. I love her so much though, it's hard to imagine life without her and I just couldn't break her sweet, loving, nurturing, giving, helping, healing heart. It has simply taken 10 years to realize how incompatible we actually are, despite all the things we see eye to eye on. There always was and always will be a balance of things that make it worth it and things that don't, and the problem is that the scale is beginning to tip from "worth it" to "not worth it".
Of course you feel worse, you have very little nice to say. Negative energy flowing through you makes you feel the same way.
The biggest problem is that you are stuck in a depressed state, and you are ruminating about things, which keeps you in your spiral. No person can fix this for you. Your thought patterns are 100% your responsibility. There are simple things you can do to fix this (becoming happier!), but it takes action and energy. Researchers find no significant difference between stressed individuals and those that abate stress. What they theorize is that the physiological arousal is most likely the positive energy used to maintain the positive mood, versus the negative emotions and stress hormones.