Starting to think my wife is making me depressed - Talk About Marriage
Physical & Mental Health Issues Marriage and relationships are difficult by themselves, but coping with physical or mental health problems can make things even more difficult.

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post #1 of 27 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 04:40 PM Thread Starter
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Starting to think my wife is making me depressed

I've decided to delete this. Thank you all for your advice.


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post #2 of 27 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 04:50 PM
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Re: Starting to think my wife is making me depressed

Marriage will solve your problems.


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post #3 of 27 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 04:53 PM
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Re: Starting to think my wife is making me depressed

Is there anything about her you like? Why in the world would you marry her if you feel that way? Have you told her you feel that way? I just can't.....
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post #4 of 27 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 05:09 PM
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Re: Starting to think my wife is making me depressed

I am honestly not joking when I write this.

You should show her this post.

If you marry her I am pretty certain you'll be back here in a matter of months, if not weeks, saying you made a bad decision. You don't even like her let alone love her. She's changed a lot obviously and not for the best in terms of her health and her future. You can't influence her to change. Only she can want to change.

You waited 10 years to think of marrying her? Why so long? Did she give you an ultimatum finally? Because, you don't seem to be loving her any more than you did 10 years ago, so where did the sudden proposal come from? Or, are you saying you've been engaged for 10 years?

You've learned an important lesson. People change, and sometimes not always for the better. Just consider it a blessing that you found out before you got hitched.

Let her go, you'll be fine and so will she. Maybe letting her go is the best thing you can do for her. It'd suck for her to be with someone that isn't attracted to her at all. I know I wouldn't want to be in that kind of relationship.

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post #5 of 27 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 05:13 PM
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Re: Starting to think my wife is making me depressed

10 years and not married? Tons of red flags.

Time to break up. Everyone does it. Don't get married because you think you owe it to her. You both will be miserable.

I'm curious, how's the sex life?
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post #6 of 27 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 05:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Starting to think my wife is making me depressed

First off, take into account we've been together for TEN YEARS. Let that sink in. TEN YEARS is not a black-and-white kind of thing where it's easy to just say "Meh, not working, see ya". C'mon now guys, I know you know this. Don't be so binary. I know SOMEONE can relate.

I knew in writing this would seem like a disaster of a relationship, but believe me it's not. She's actually the one who comes to me and apologizes for her "baggage" and for bringing me down and all that, because she can tell how affected I am by the things she introduces into my life when all I do (according to her) is bring her joy, relief, excitement and security. I'm independent and she's the opposite, and while I USED TO not mind very much, now that we're both mature adults, the dependency is becoming an issue. The thing is, we really do truly love each other, and it's hard to know where to draw the line between 'this relationship is doomed' and 'this is worth fixing'. We enjoy each other's company and I would love to spend the rest of my life with this woman, if she could just figure her life out. Her family is nuts, ok, who's isn't, I can deal with that. The things she CAN help, though, I just wish she would.

I guess I don't know what I'm trying to get out of this thread. I don't really know who to talk to about this, I'm not that kind of person to talk to my friends and family about relationship problems because I feel like it causes a toxic environment, that's why I came here. Sorry if you guys feel like you were victims of mental vomiting. I've been bottling this all up.
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post #7 of 27 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 05:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Starting to think my wife is making me depressed

I met her when she was only 17, so proposing after just a few years would've been sheer stupidity. Then in our mid 20's it just didn't seem like a feasible thing to do, and then in our late 20's, it simply seemed like the obvious thing to do, and I know I'm not being believed when I say this, but I REALLY DO LOVE HER, that's why I proposed.

The other things is that some of these things take many, many years to learn about another person. Especially someone you meet at a developmental age. Things that didn't quite sit right in the beginning, I hoped she'd grow into a more mature, intelligent, self-sufficient woman. We only moved in together after ~7 years because I purposefully wanted her to mature on her own, but there goes me playing "daddy" again. The issue is that now, at the 10 year milestone, I'm reflecting back and realizing things might not be cool. Yeah, I'm in a hell of a predicament now that we're slated to get married this coming spring, so the time pressure is on now too. I do this to myself...

Oh and Re: Sexlife....non-existent. When we do, it's explosive, but it's harder to initiate with her and she NEVER initiates. We're both just too exhausted from the day and there's zero spark.

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post #8 of 27 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 05:35 PM
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Re: Starting to think my wife is making me depressed

It doesn't make you a bad person if you speak your feelings to her, and basically say you love her, but you're both not compatible. If she says ''I'll change, I'll lose weight, I'll be more energetic, more feminine, etc...'' it won't last. Because people don't truly change when the only reason they're doing it, is to keep another person from leaving them.

I feel bad for her, but if you're not ''into'' her anymore, or there is no chemistry there, or there's no real connection, marrying her will be a disaster. Not because she is at fault, but you both sound incredibly mismatched.
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post #9 of 27 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 05:38 PM
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Re: Starting to think my wife is making me depressed

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- She's got some odd bodily issues where she twists her ankle constantly, she get bruises all over the her legs that neither of us know where they come from, her skin is very translucent, she's ALWAYS tired, stressed out and doesn't feel good, gets weird new allergic reactions to things that she's been around forever, and her mom is a complete and total medical crisis. She hasn't gone to the doctor EVER for this and she won't until, again, I physically drag her there myself, pay for it, talk to the doctor for her, etc..
This is very concerning. These are some of the classic signs of vEDS.

Vascular Ehlers Danlos Syndrome.

It's the deadliest form of EDS. vEDS patients are at high risk of organ and blood vessel ruptures. Spontaneous rupture, as in no warning whatsoever.

They are also at higher risk for stroke and something called POTS (Postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome - a neurological disorder which causes problems with heart rate and blood pressure).

If her mom is having a medical crisis she may also be a vEDS patient. It is genetic. About 50% of EDS patients inherit the syndrome from a parent while the other 50% it's an ischaemic new mutation without parental inheritance.

If anything, whether you stay with her or not, she must, MUST take these symptoms seriously. vEDS reduces a patient life span to about 48 years of age due to spontaneous blood vessel or organ rupture complications. She needs to rule this disease out.

It's quite alarming to see someone ignoring very serious symptoms like these.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK1494/

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post #10 of 27 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 05:42 PM
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Re: Starting to think my wife is making me depressed

And absolutely DO NOT, for anything, get her pregnant. vEDS patients have a huge risk of uterine rupture.

She should not be thinking of having children until she knows the genetic risk she will be passing down to children and the health risk to herself during pregnancy.

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post #11 of 27 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 05:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Starting to think my wife is making me depressed

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This is very concerning. These are some of the classic signs of vEDS.

Vascular Ehlers Danlos Syndrome.

It's the deadliest form of EDS. vEDS patients are at high risk of organ and blood vessel ruptures. Spontaneous rupture, as in no warning whatsoever.

They are also at higher risk for stroke and something called POTS (Postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome - a neurological disorder which causes problems with heart rate and blood pressure).

If her mom is having a medical crisis she may also be a vEDS patient. It is genetic. About 50% of EDS patients inherit the syndrome from a parent while the other 50% it's an ischaemic new mutation without parental inheritance.

If anything, whether you stay with her or not, she must, MUST take these symptoms seriously. vEDS reduces a patient life span to about 48 years of age due to spontaneous blood vessel or organ rupture complications. She needs to rule this disease out.

It's quite alarming to see someone ignoring very serious symptoms like these.

Vascular Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome - GeneReviews® - NCBI Bookshelf

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Holy f***ing ****, I cannot believe you said that. Her mom swears she has EDS and has tried to convince my fiancee for years that she has it too. It's hard to take her mom seriously because she's a total hypochondriac atop of actually being a medical mess. Yes, she's got bodily issues, but she also goes straight to the ER for sneezing fits and she's rubbed off on all of her children to also act this way about every last little thing....except my fiancee because I've made her stronger than that. That is downright frightening how you picked that out like that though, she's been denying for a long time that EDS is what her problem is. This changes everything...

Thank you all for your advice. I will put a fire under her ass to get to the doctor ASAP. UGH this frustrates me so hard that she just doesn't take care of herself to the point where she ignores symptoms like this. I feel partially responsible because I've been acting like daddy for so long, but didn't force her to go to the doc. I guess I've been just desperately hoping all along that one day she would grow up and take charge of her own life...

F*** me.
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post #12 of 27 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 05:51 PM
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Re: Starting to think my wife is making me depressed

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Holy f***ing ****, I cannot believe you said that. Her mom swears she has EDS and has tried to convince my fiancee for years that she has it too. It's hard to take her mom seriously because she's a total hypochondriac atop of actually being a medical mess. Yes, she's got bodily issues, but she also goes straight to the ER for sneezing fits and she's rubbed off on all of her children to also act this way about every last little thing....except my fiancee because I've made her stronger than that. That is downright frightening how you picked that out like that though, she's been denying for a long time that EDS is what her problem is. This changes everything...

Thank you all for your advice. I will put a fire under her ass to get to the doctor ASAP. UGH this frustrates me so hard that she just doesn't take care of herself to the point where she ignores symptoms like this. I feel partially responsible because I've been acting like daddy for so long, but didn't force her to go to the doc. I guess I've been just desperately hoping all along that one day she would grow up and take charge of her own life...

F*** me.
She denies it because EDS if scary. She's scared. Her mother's behavior has probably compounded this as well.

I'm as a alarmed as you are with those symptoms. She needs to get into a geneticists office ASAP. COL3A1 defect is the medical genetics term for vEDS. That's what they will look for.

She cannot have an angiogram if she does have vEDS ...the test has been known to be detrimental to a vEDS patient (arterial rupture).

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post #13 of 27 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 05:54 PM
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Re: Starting to think my wife is making me depressed

At that it could be keto EDS. There are so many types of EDS they will test her for all of them.

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post #14 of 27 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 06:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Starting to think my wife is making me depressed

Thank you so much for your concern, I really really appreciate it. It's not every day you get this kind of true compassion from a stranger on the internet. Thank you so much.

Well, my concerns about my feelings towards our relationship have gone out the window. Now I'm just concerned about her. I love her so much, she's so sweet and so in love with me, maybe because the average person wouldn't want to deal with it and she knows it. She doesn't deserve to have a disease. She's just too pure.

Does EDS affect the brain? Could this be why she has trouble learning and maturing?
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post #15 of 27 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 06:13 PM
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Re: Starting to think my wife is making me depressed

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First off, take into account we've been together for TEN YEARS. Let that sink in. TEN YEARS is not a black-and-white kind of thing where it's easy to just say "Meh, not working, see ya". C'mon now guys, I know you know this. Don't be so binary. I know SOMEONE can relate.
I'm bailing out next May after a 35 year relationship and 31 married.

If you want to talk binary or not, I'm your man. Ultimately it is a binary decision.
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