I have so much bottled up that I hope someone on here is good at just listening and if you happen to also understand then let me know because right now I feel truly alone.
I have been married 20 years now, and to say they have been happy ones....well sometimes, but I also am very good at pushing down the loneliness and sadness so no one else will know.
To start: I married him because he was funny, older and accepted me ( I had a small child before we met). I firmly believe he married me because I provided him with stability, and security. He even told me that he married me because he was lonely. I should have done something sooner when he would get nasty and short if I spent more time with my child. He even pushed me to have my tubes tied so we wouldn't have children, for which now I am grateful for.
As long as I give him attention, make sure that his world is running smoothly and he doesn't have to go without anything that he wants then my life is good. But the moment I let it out how we are financially at a particular time or if I ask him to call a bill company to make a payment he gets mad at me. He will say that I don't listen to him, but when I try to ask him what I am to do he just gets quiet and walks away. If I try to get him to talk he says I don't listen to him. When he is home he will ask me if I want to go for a walk (this is even before I wake fully up in the morning) and I tell him not now. He will go for walks that last over 3 hours (without his phone or anything). When he comes back home and I ask where he was at he gets upset with me.
As long as I never ask him questions, keep all the finances to myself and keep food in the house and fix the meals, do all the house cleaning, and make all the vacation plans, make all the decisions on everything, and never question him on anything. Then he his happy. But I am miserable. We both work. and we are both home on weekends. some days he his home all day while I am at work and he will not do one thing. Except whatever he wants to do, such as; computer, tv, movies, going for walks. When I come home at 10pm. I have to clean up the kitchen, fix supper, feed the dog/cat. And pretend that everything is just great. Before I leave for work I have to make sure that he gets all the attention. Let me also mention that we do not have sex either unless he gets all the attention. When I mention that I like something he only says that is what every woman wants.
I don't have friends to talk to about this. nor do I have family to talk to. If I did then he wouldn't attend any family functions with me and I would feel even worse. At present time just so people at work think he is a great guy i will call him and ask him to bring me lunch and exactly what to bring. He will do it then and only then, but never do anything for me on his own. I have never gotten a birthday present/cake, anniversary present from him. When I give him a present or do something nice for him he is always happy and I say I do things for him because I like those things too. His response is well then don't get me anything. When I am sick or out of the hospital he did nothing to help me, unless I ask him to. But when he is sick he wants to be babied.
I can't even have a joyous Christmas and since we have been married I have never had a joyous time. You see he hates the holidays and is quick to cut it to shreds each year.
My sadness is made more so when I hear how the girls at work talk about how great their husbands are and the things they do for them. My husband doesn't even do stuff around the house like normal men should ( like fix things, repair things. etc.) I do all that too.
I am so tired of always being the one who has to do all the giving, taking the full burden of our bills, budget, taking the blame if I make even one comment that I need help with something, pretending to enjoy sex when I get nothing out of it. I am so tired of pretending that our lives are great. Every weekend or day off that we have together is misery for me. No matter how hard I try, I will accidently say something that sets him off and then the whole day is ruined yet again. But then after he blames me for everything gone wrong and I am the one with a problem and how I like being miserable then he expects me to cuddle up to him and apologize. Only then is he happy again.
I can not even attend church because I am so unhappy. The last time I went by myself to church I sat and quietly cried and made sure no one knew how unhappy I was.
I just want him to love me, to say to me I am beautiful, to do things just because he cares, to treat me like I want so desparatly want to be treated.
I am a very caring person who loves to spoil and shower love and attention on people but when years go by and I never get that in return how am I to live like this and pretend to be happy.
I just want to be truly happy.
one more thing you should know when he lost his job to a dui,and I stood by him and supported him until I found him a job, because he would not find one ( it took 1 1/2years). he never once said sorry for what he did to me and us. he never once showed any sign of remorse. but he is/was quick to get mad at me when I have to struggle with our needs to make sure he has money in his wallet for whatever he wants, and wanted to ask him why he did that, his words " quit asking all these questions, it is over now so quit bringing it up", "why do you keep making yourself so miserable", and his favorite is "you never listen to anything I say", "you don't listen to what I tell you to do". When I ask him to tell me what he says you won't listen anyways or he will come up with things that do not pertain to him at all nor inconvience him at all, but will take things away from me that mean a lot.
okay I am done'. thank you for listening to me. and if you have any suggestions on what I am to do then please please tell me.
I would love to be happy again.