Concerned Husband for Wifes Health - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Physical & Mental Health Issues Marriage and relationships are difficult by themselves, but coping with physical or mental health problems can make things even more difficult.

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post #16 of 27 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 01:13 PM
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Re: Concerned Husband for Wifes Health

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I have tried eating right in front of her small portions. I am doing my exercise but each encouragement I say, Hey you want to come up and exercise with me? but she goes back to the are you calling me fat. Almost like a defense maybe?
Maybe it's time to bite the bullet and respond to some of her rejections of your plans to help her. Start planning all the meals and assure that she doesn't have a way to snack. If she says "are you calling me fat" when you encourage her to exercise with you, just say that you are concerned of the health of both of you and it would make to very happy if you would exercise with her. If you let her continue to do nothing, she will just keep getting heavier.


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post #17 of 27 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 02:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Concerned Husband for Wifes Health

Maybe I will have to take it head on then. I want to thank everyone for the help I have received so far on this forum.
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post #18 of 27 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 03:38 PM
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Re: Concerned Husband for Wifes Health

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I have tried eating right in front of her small portions. I am doing my exercise but each encouragement I say, Hey you want to come up and exercise with me? but she goes back to the are you calling me fat. Almost like a defense maybe?
Just say "Yes dear, you are fat, now what are we going to do about this?"
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post #19 of 27 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 03:57 PM
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Re: Concerned Husband for Wifes Health

I am going to come at you with advice from the other side. Her side. I was obese once. I was depressed and an emotional eater and I didn't even know it. I knew I was heavy and I wanted to do something about it but I didn't know where to start. I took offense any time my ex husband would offer suggestions or make any type of comment about my body, nice or not. I began to hate him for it, but really I hated myself. I looked into gastric bypass and went through the first part of the process (blood work, met with a nutritionist, saw a psychiatrist) and chickened out. Three years later I finally had the balls to go through with it. I went through 6 months of counseling (mental and nutritional) and lots of testing. I had surgery (gastric sleeve) 12/31/13. To date I have lost 234 pounds. I went from 336 to 102. I am healthy and happy but I wish I had done it sooner. I was 30 when I had the surgery. I let my hatred of being fat get in the way of my marriage. I am now divorced. If she thinks she wants this surgery then stand by her side and support her. It's a nightmare process due to insurance requirements and she needs you to support her. Don't police her and tell her what she is doing wrong because she will resent you for it. Ask her "how can I help you help yourself". Go to appointments with her. Be her biggest cheerleader. Don't tell her surgery isn't the answer because for some, and it sounds like maybe for her, it is. The counseling required and the support groups will help teach her how to eat post op. They will give her the tools necessary to succeed in her weight loss journey. They will allow her to break free from this prison she is in. Do NOT keep pushing her to do something about it and then tell her surgery isn't an option. I promise you, it is what will save her life. And possibly your marriage. Please really think about this. My ex told me the same things you're telling her and when push came to shove and I took control of my weight and my life I realized that if he had supported me from day one it may have been different.

Good job on reaching out, though. This is a great step. It shows you care. Just be gentile with her. She is in her own personal hell right now and is scared and lost and doesn't know what to do. Tell her you support her decision to learn more about weight loss surgery and you will help her find the right doctor to help her, if she wants to go this route. Don't keep talking to her about the gym. I know it sounds crazy, but if she was anything like me, she feels like she is past the point of no return.

If you have any questions about what I went through I am open to answering them. Support her. Love her. Help her.


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post #20 of 27 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 08:16 PM
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Re: Concerned Husband for Wifes Health

I get many clients referred to me by various organisations in a similar situation. Many are resistant to attending gym.
In those instances I try short bursts of a fun outdoor sport like archery, shooting, golf, fencing etc: all can be done seated until the client chooses something tolerable, then coax them in gentle sport-specific routines to enhance their prowess at that sport.
Obviously lots of positive reinforcement. Works better if I'm doing the activity with them.
Good luck with whatever you guys choose to try!
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post #21 of 27 (permalink) Old 10-05-2016, 02:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Concerned Husband for Wifes Health

I appreciate the personal feed back from your experience Micah. Ive told her many times we can look into whatever you want but she hasn't been motivated to do so. Maybe I will have to do that first initial step to see about insurance and stuff. I only offer it to her for excercising with me saying would you like to come lift weights with me or walk on the treadmill and when she says know I say ok and leave it. If you dont mind me asking did you by chance have any kids with the sleeve or no? She has mentioned to me since she will be 30 in few months she wanted to have kids but is contemplating due to weight.
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post #22 of 27 (permalink) Old 10-05-2016, 03:47 PM
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Re: Concerned Husband for Wifes Health

I already had my children before I had my sleeve, but it pretty much cures infertility issues such as PCOS and stuff, assuming you keep the weight off. And in my personal experience, gaining is impossible for me. I want to put on 10-15 pounds because I am ridiculously skinny (I am 5'7") and need a bit of cushion. Lol


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post #23 of 27 (permalink) Old 10-05-2016, 04:17 PM
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Re: Concerned Husband for Wifes Health

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any time my ex husband would offer suggestions or make any type of comment about my body, nice or not.
These are KEY words

You need to tell her how much you love her. You need to tell her that where her weight is going scares you into thinking that you could lose her to complications of obesity. You need to tell her how much you love her. (yes, before and after, like 2 pieces of bread on a sandwich).

You love her, you fear losing her, you love her. Say that to yourself over and over.

See if that icebreaker can get her to open up. If you have medical insurance, most will cover weight control classes. Go with her so that it is a shared experience (i.e. not wanting to force Quinoa on you could prevent her from trying).

Good luck and press on.
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post #24 of 27 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 04:54 AM
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Re: Concerned Husband for Wifes Health

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I have tried eating right in front of her small portions. I am doing my exercise but each encouragement I say, Hey you want to come up and exercise with me? but she goes back to the are you calling me fat. Almost like a defense maybe?
I'm seriously not trying to be cruel here, but why don't you tell her the truth?

"YES, honey, I think you are fat. I love you and I am concerned about your health. When you ask me the question in that way, it makes me feel like you don't care about your own health and I think that you're more interested in punishing me for loving you and caring about our future together. I am working hard to make our healthy future together a reality, but I can't and won't beg you to join me. Only you can make that decision. I'm off to the gym."

I know many will disagree with me and think you need to be much more "sensitive" in your approach, but you're lying to her and yourself by not telling it like it is.

I used to be overweight. I wish someone had just been real with me at the time. No one obviously loved me as much as you love your wife. I eventually made the changes myself because I learned to love myself better.

I found myself in your shoes before I met my husband, when I was dating an overweight man. On our FIRST DATE, he admitted his weight was an issue and he was working on it. So this didn't come from nowhere. His weight did NOT stop my love for him. I was WORRIED for his health and tried to raise the weight topic in an adult, empathetic, and sensitive way, whilst sticking to my TRUTH. Nothing changed, and in fact he gained more. He got upset when I reminded him of what he SAID HE WANTED and stonewalled me. I realized then that my love and concern was not enough for him and he could not look past the superficiality of my words. Do you know how sad I was, that he could not understand my worry that one day he could die from a heart attack? That man has no idea how much I cared for him because he was too busy feeling offended by my calm, carefully selected words.

I let him go... We parted amicably... And I sincerely hope he's found a woman that better aligns with his lifestyle.

My husband tells me truth to my face and I return it in spades. We know exactly where the other stands on diet & exercise. When we food shop, I use the words: NO, that's not good for you, forget it, that's empty carbs, we need more protein, I promise I'll make this taste good, etc. He does the same. We police each other, because I never want to be overweight again and he knows that if he lets himself go, he'll be living in a van down by the river.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow

Last edited by Satya; 10-07-2016 at 04:59 AM.
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post #25 of 27 (permalink) Old 10-12-2016, 01:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Concerned Husband for Wifes Health

I would like to thank everyone for their support and contribution. I did learn that insurance wont cover the surgery but potentially classes depending and I did talk with her and learned a lot which I should have asked before to her. She did thank me for looking into it and taking the first steps for her to. What it comes down to was me and some issues we have had in our marriage that we have fought through together, and most of that stuff should be posted on another forum in here.

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post #26 of 27 (permalink) Old 10-12-2016, 01:29 PM
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Re: Concerned Husband for Wifes Health

At 309 unless she is super tall, she is morbidly obese. From my understanding the success rate of losing that on her own (which she thus far has never done it sounds like) AND actually keeping it off is extremely low. Google "long term success rate morbidly obese without surgery". Obesity research confirms long-term weight loss almost impossible - Health - CBC News

As others have said, weight loss surgery is not a cure all, but it can sure give a person a fair shake at getting the bulk of it off. There is counseling involved before and after, plus her resolve will most likely become stronger as she goes through all the pre op work. There are surgeries besides gastric bypass, ones such as duodenal switch which for many has a longer term success rate and allows for more normal eating, So be sure she looks at all her options.

I'm glad she has a loving husband like you. It is so cruel to have endure what she has in her life. She deserves a fresh start, and a little surgical help can give her that.

Ciao,

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post #27 of 27 (permalink) Old 10-12-2016, 05:31 PM
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Re: Concerned Husband for Wifes Health

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I have tried eating right in front of her small portions. I am doing my exercise but each encouragement I say, Hey you want to come up and exercise with me? but she goes back to the are you calling me fat. Almost like a defense maybe?
What's that going to do? You think she'll watch you eating smaller portions and she'll look at you as some sort of role model and she won't take a second helping of meatballs and spaghetti? If anything she'll think "More for me then!".

When she says "are you calling me fat" don't answer directly. You could just say "well do you fit the criteria of morbidly obese which makes you more prone to health issues including high blood pressure, diabetes, stroke, and heart attack".
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