Any ideas as to what may be wrong with my husband? - Talk About Marriage
Physical & Mental Health Issues Marriage and relationships are difficult by themselves, but coping with physical or mental health problems can make things even more difficult.

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post #1 of 21 (permalink) Old 10-18-2016, 10:50 AM Thread Starter
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Any ideas as to what may be wrong with my husband?

Recently my H and I have been going through some major problems. A few months ago I found out he was having an affair with an older woman (10 years older). During that time he was very hostile towards me. Very insulting and emotionally abusive. Called me every name in the book, threatened me with money issues and with taking the kids from me. Threw his affair in my face every chance he got. It was awful. He didn't move out right away and legally I couldn't just kick him out. It got to the point where I had to call the cops one night for verbal abuse and file a restraining order to get him to leave. He finally got the point and left, moved in with her for about a week before he had a total change of heart or mind, realized what a huge mistake he made and cried to come back. At the time, I had never seen him so broken down before, never even saw him cry before, let alone uncontrolled sobbing and throwing up sick. But I still said no. I told him he got her, that's what he wanted. We ended up talking some more and eventually I gave in and let him back with the condition that we go to counseling. We haven't had our first appointment yet because he can only go on Saturdays and they only have one Saturday a month. So in the mean time we have been in the throws of hysterical bonding, etc, trying our best to get along. During the time he was with her I started talking to a male friend who has been through a cheating spouse and divorce, and he was there for me so of course this made him jealous. So now he feels the need to check my phone everyday, but yet deletes texts on his phone that he doesn't want me to see. It's like he's trying to pin me with someone when he is the one who cheated. He isn't working too well with regaining trust back and every time we have a disagreement he turns it into a massive fight, with the insults being thrown again and the ring coming off and him saying he's done and wants to leave. Then 12-24 hours later he's back to normal and says we need the counseling. It's like a switch flips and I don't know who he is anyone. This last Friday was the most recent. I questioned a friend of his that is a female who I knew about (they've been friends for 7 years and she is married) but he feels the need to delete their texts so I questioned her and she was very nice about it, and was confused as to why the texts were deleted since they weren't anything special. Anyway, he was fuming because I messaged her about it. Yelling in my face, complete rage like I've never seen before. Then on Saturday he's fine. I don't get it. He lies to people a lot too. I'm about at the end of my rope here. The cheating was enough to have to get over but him blowing up and wanting to leave every time we argue and then acting like nothing happened has thrown me for a loop. I'm at a loss.

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post #2 of 21 (permalink) Old 10-18-2016, 11:03 AM
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Re: Any ideas as to what may be wrong with my husband?

He's still in communication with her, or possibly another AP.

He's lying to you, and successfully convincing you to not believe your eyes. This is called gaslighting.

He is not being transparent.

Stop engaging with him.

Get tested for STD's.

Tell him that in order to consider reconciliation, you must have thr following:

*Passwords to all of his devices and accounts
*No deleted texts or masking apps (KIK, Whatsapp, etc)
*He goes to both your parents and his and confesses what he has done, and ask for forgiveness
*He goes to individual counseling to identify why it is okay in his mind to cheat and lie
*He agrees to turn on location services on his phone so you can track his whereabouts
*He agrees that he broke this and it is therefore his to fix

Your attitude needs to be one of placing to burden on him to prove to you he is a safe partner. If he can't do that, it is time to move on.

Sorry you are here. Don't tolerate the intolerable.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #3 of 21 (permalink) Old 10-18-2016, 11:04 AM
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Re: Any ideas as to what may be wrong with my husband?

Simply, you are living in "false R" (reconciliation).

Following the affair...

There should be no secrets.
No deleted text messages.
There should be full transparency (give up phones, tablets, etc., immediately upon request).
No talking to others about your relationship without mutual agreement and the other spouse present.
No character assasinating the other spouse in their absence.
The wayward spouse must EARN the betrayed spouse's trust with clear, demonstrated actions toward HEALING the broken marriage.

He is a long way off. You cannot beg an unwilling spouse back.

I recommend you let him go.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #4 of 21 (permalink) Old 10-18-2016, 11:08 AM
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Re: Any ideas as to what may be wrong with my husband?

Your husband obvously has issues that need IC probably more than MC, and unless you are convinced he is NC with her and not still trying to cheat again you do not do MC.

Now, my advice to you is to stop the contact and discussions with your male friend until you determine if you are going or staying. Regardless whether it is innocent or not, if you read a book called "Not Just Friends" it will explain in detail how relationships where you share things with a member of the opposite sex while vyou are in emotional distress makes you vulnerable to doing something not very smart or in your best interests if you want to stay married.

Your husband obviously because of his transgressions believes you are about to have a revenge affair, or he wants to believe that. Until the therapy sorts this out, there is no upside to continuing to share this with another man.
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post #5 of 21 (permalink) Old 10-18-2016, 11:19 AM
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Re: Any ideas as to what may be wrong with my husband?

it's guilt that's causing him to lose it and throw tantrums.

when we are racked with guilt, we cannot admit to ourselves (or others) that we are acting like selfish idiots.
that's a very hard thing to admit for anyone.

so instead of taking the tough, mature road and admiting what he did was horrible and selfish, he deflects the blame to you
by throwing tantrums and creating drama. ((gaslighting as per farside).

we learn this often works when we are babies, and some us us are still just big babies, or at least act like it when we get caught with our hands in the cookie jar.
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post #6 of 21 (permalink) Old 10-18-2016, 11:26 AM
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Re: Any ideas as to what may be wrong with my husband?

Is he bi-polar?

Your husband has a long history of cheating, aka: serial cheater

Affairs give him a huge boost in feel-good brain chemicals like dopamine. Basically needs the affairs to feel good.

In most marriages, a person has about 5 of the top 10 emotional needs met. When that's being done, a person feels content in the marriage and even passion for their spouse. When that person has an affair, their affair partner usually is someone who is meeting the emotional needs that their spouse is not meeting on a regular bases. So now the cheater is getting all 10 of their top emotional needs met... they are now high on feel-good brain chemicals.

You are the meanie trying to take away his feel-good chemicals. At this point it's a lot like a drug addict. We call it the "affair fog".

You are in a false recovery. He's trying to keep both his affair partner(s) and you. He needs all of you to get all those good brain chemicals because each of you meet some sub-set of his emotional needs.

Get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. He explains what's going on. In his book he talks about Plan A and Plan B. You have already done what is basically Plan A. That did not work. So now you need to do Plan B. Take a look at the link in my signature block below for the 180. That's how you need to start interacting with your husband. Basically you need to pull away from him right now, that includes no more sex.

When you pull away, that leaves his affair partner(s) to meet all of his emotional needs. You have already seen what happens when he does no have you to meet the needs that you meet... he was crying and vomiting. That was not because he loves you. That was because he was no longer getting his need met by you. It was purely selfish.

Most affairs end when the betrayed spouse stops meeting their spouse's needs and leaves it up to the affair partner(s) to meet all of the cheaters needs. You did good kicking him out. What you did wrong was that you took him back too quickly.

He's being mean and abusive to you. You have to stop enabling his mean behavior. Basically you need to kick him out again and not let him back with you so easily. You are in a false recover because he's not doing what needs to be done. Instead he's playing with you, refusing to give up the affair (he's taken it under ground) and refusing to do what is needed to fix the marriage.

Do you really think it's a good idea for your children to see him mistreating you like this?
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post #7 of 21 (permalink) Old 10-18-2016, 11:44 AM
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Re: Any ideas as to what may be wrong with my husband?

Why are you at a loss? It's quite clear.

He is:
a) a cheater
b) a liar
c) verbally abusive
d) by your own admission he is a POS
e) by your own admission he is not smart
f) he is not even a rich professional, he is a package delivery man

You keep going back to wondering is he is mentally ill. Why? If he is bipolar, would that make him more attractive? If he cries like a baby, is he more desirable?

Was there something in your past that forces you to believe you don't deserve a husband that isn't broken?
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post #8 of 21 (permalink) Old 10-18-2016, 11:54 AM
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Re: Any ideas as to what may be wrong with my husband?

Quote:
Originally Posted by jorgegene View Post
it's guilt that's causing him to lose it and throw tantrums.

when we are racked with guilt, we cannot admit to ourselves (or others) that we are acting like selfish idiots.
that's a very hard thing to admit for anyone.
^ This is the reason for the tantrums. The affair or an affair is still happening.

Even if I don't get likes for it, I'm still going to say it.
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post #9 of 21 (permalink) Old 10-18-2016, 12:06 PM
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Re: Any ideas as to what may be wrong with my husband?

Is the restraining order still in force?

If so, do you realize that you are breaking the law by maintaining contact with him?

And yes, allowing him to move back home counts as maintaining contact.
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post #10 of 21 (permalink) Old 10-18-2016, 12:19 PM
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Re: Any ideas as to what may be wrong with my husband?

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^ Godspeed OP !
I second that. I'd be worried that the escalation of his "tantrums" could quickly evolve into violence, as he is not in control of his faculties. Please don't let it get to that point.

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post #11 of 21 (permalink) Old 10-18-2016, 03:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Any ideas as to what may be wrong with my husband?

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Originally Posted by straightshooter View Post
Your husband obvously has issues that need IC probably more than MC, and unless you are convinced he is NC with her and not still trying to cheat again you do not do MC.

Now, my advice to you is to stop the contact and discussions with your male friend until you determine if you are going or staying. Regardless whether it is innocent or not, if you read a book called "Not Just Friends" it will explain in detail how relationships where you share things with a member of the opposite sex while vyou are in emotional distress makes you vulnerable to doing something not very smart or in your best interests if you want to stay married.

Your husband obviously because of his transgressions believes you are about to have a revenge affair, or he wants to believe that. Until the therapy sorts this out, there is no upside to continuing to share this with another man.
Contact with the male friend has ceased already and he lives 1500 miles away so an affair isn't possible.
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post #12 of 21 (permalink) Old 10-18-2016, 03:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Any ideas as to what may be wrong with my husband?

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Is the restraining order still in force?

If so, do you realize that you are breaking the law by maintaining contact with him?

And yes, allowing him to move back home counts as maintaining contact.
No, I dropped it before it was even in place.
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post #13 of 21 (permalink) Old 10-18-2016, 03:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Any ideas as to what may be wrong with my husband?

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^ This is the reason for the tantrums. The affair or an affair is still happening.
The affair is over and there isn't another one.
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post #14 of 21 (permalink) Old 10-18-2016, 03:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Any ideas as to what may be wrong with my husband?

I don't know if he's Bi-Polar. But if he does have a mental issue then that might at least explain some of his explosive behavior.
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post #15 of 21 (permalink) Old 10-18-2016, 04:05 PM
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Re: Any ideas as to what may be wrong with my husband?

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The affair is over and there isn't another one.
You didn't know about the other affair until later on, so how can you be so sure there isn't an affair now?

If you aren't with him 24/7 he could be with anyone, anywhere.
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