Wife with baggage - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 10-24-2016, 01:38 PM Thread Starter
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Wife with baggage

Hi all. My wife and I have been married for 1,5 years now, at the age of 25. We've had a rough start in some aspects but in general we've been very happy. Our very open communication has helped us sort out everything so far. And everyone has been telling how well we fit together, and we both feel the same way. But recently she's said something that scared me a lot: she thinks she can't stay married to me for tens of years and therefore the thought of divorce has entered her mind because she thinks it's better to divorce at a young age than later on. So soon into our marriage this has triggered a big warning signal for me, and I decided to try an anonymous solution first to see what you all have to say, before talking to people I know.

There are some 'reasons', some of which are background, some of which are consequences, both she and I do not quite know which is which, but here's a list of issues:
-My wife has been losing feelings of infatuation and attraction for me, which would happen at some point maybe but not so soon. She is also less and less into sex and the frequency of sex is decreasing rapidly.
-Related to the above: my wife has been working out a lot. She just discovered how much she likes martial arts, and she's been losing weight and got an even better figure. I supported her and also joined in some of this, and though I enjoy it a lot too, I don't enjoy it as much as she does (she trains 4 times a week, I train twice a week) and I have not been losing weight (I'm on the edge of normal and overweight BMI).
-Because of the martial arts, my wife has gained a lot of confidence. She was a rather insecure person before. She wants to take matters into her own hands and gain control of her life (this is in response to issues she had before she knew me, see next point).
-My wife has been sexually abused as a kid. She's also lost several familly members at a young age. And she has been neglected somewhat as a child. All of this caused a lot of issues, but many of these issues had been sorted out before I knew her. Because of the first thing, saying no has been difficult for her, which adds to the sexual problems but we sort of sorted this out before. More importantly, she says that saying yes when I asked her to be my girlfriend and later to be my wife has not been 100% her choice: parts of guilt and fear were playing too, and now there's confusion. She doesn't want to be in a situation that was not 100% chosen by herself.

There is nothing that she's really unhappy about in our relationship, we love each other and we both enjoy being together. It's just the way she got into the marriage is what she's apparently unhappy about, and not even how I handled it but just her own issues. But we can't redo our dating and engagement period.

I don't know how to solve this issue, since I think the cause is something from the past and outside of my control. I hope you have tips, and else, just the venting helps me a bit

Thank you very much!

PS: Some answers to some posts I expect:
-My wife is not cheating. We are both very honest, sharing all of our thoughts and feelings. She has admitted several times during our relationship that she had a small crush on someone, before anything at all happened, and she also told me when the crush was over. She falls in and out of love easily but is always honest. She has never cheated in the past either.
-I have gained a few kilos during our marriage, but nothing much. She does make a big deal out of it sometimes though, but I think that's a symptom not a root cause. At the same time, we have both been living and eating healthier during our marriage, mainly because of her efforts.
-We don't have kids yet.

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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 10-24-2016, 02:14 PM
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Re: Wife with baggage

What is it that she fears "Tens of years from now"? You need a peak in to that crystal ball scenario.

As she gains self confidence, is she wanting to be more dominant? Less needy? Less submissive?

Talk with her about the sex. That is the most in your face symptom of whatever is going on. Given her past certainly counseling is in order for her, and then for both together.

You don't mention your own baggage. While I respect your not mentioning it here, you need to look at yourself in a straight mirror (figuratively) and get some counseling yourself. There are some special things they can help with when it comes to being the spouse of an abuse victim.
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 10-24-2016, 02:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife with baggage

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Originally Posted by NothingsOriginal View Post
What is it that she fears "Tens of years from now"? You need a peak in to that crystal ball scenario.
It's a bit vague. I think it's 1) fear of a brother/sister type of marriage, or putting me in the friendzone or even worse (this happened in her previous relationship) 2) missing other opportunities, not being able to look around as she could do when she's single. Basically she thinks it all went too fast, she needed more time to think about committing to me for the rest of her life.

Quote:
As she gains self confidence, is she wanting to be more dominant? Less needy? Less submissive?
It's mainly getting rid of negative things like insecurity. She used to need a lot of confirmation about her looks and other things, but she's way healthier about stuff like that now. So out of the things you mentioned, less needy comes pretty close.

Quote:
Talk with her about the sex. That is the most in your face symptom of whatever is going on. Given her past certainly counseling is in order for her, and then for both together.
We did, we talk about everything. I'm learning every day how to deal with her past, and it's improving on my part. At the same time she's losing interest in me sexually, but we both don't know whether that's a consequence of something else or an issue of it's own.

Quote:
You don't mention your own baggage. While I respect your not mentioning it here, you need to look at yourself in a straight mirror (figuratively) and get some counseling yourself. There are some special things they can help with when it comes to being the spouse of an abuse victim.
I don't think any baggage I have is relevant, except maybe that she was my first girlfriend while she's had some relationships before so she's more experienced in everything. I'm not sure if we can affort councelling, but I'll definitely look for an expert somehow. Thanks a lot!
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 10-24-2016, 03:00 PM
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Re: Wife with baggage

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Originally Posted by noname1 View Post
...I'm not sure if we can affort councelling, but I'll definitely look for an expert somehow....
Depending on where you live and your income, there may be free counseling for abuse victims available. Best of luck to you both.
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 03:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife with baggage

Hi all, an update:
-my wife has started councelling, but only got 1 appointment so far and the next one is at least 4 months from now since the councellors are busy / on vacation.
-My wife does not think councelling will help. She just thinks she wasn't ready for a relationship with me yet.
-Sex is non-existent now, we want to try to live separately for a while.

Could really use some opinions here! I love my wife and want to do everything I can to save this marriage...
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 03:48 PM
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Re: Wife with baggage

Seems to me that she is suffering from the grass is greener if I am single. She now has the body and confidence to get what she thinks is her level. She is now above you in her point scale.

Since, your marriage is so young, the best thing to do is to separate. Do you want to stay married to someone who thinks you are not enough for her?

Work on yourself. Get into the best shape of your life. Read some books and educate yourself on how to gain self confidence. Find something that you enjoy doing and do it. Find some new friends and expand your horizon. Work on making yourself attractive.

Maybe, after she see the changes, she might want you back. If not, then you have the tools to move on and be a better man.
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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 03:49 PM
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Re: Wife with baggage

Possible another man is in the picture?

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 04:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife with baggage

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Originally Posted by brooklynAnn View Post
Since, your marriage is so young, the best thing to do is to separate. Do you want to stay married to someone who thinks you are not enough for her?
She only thinks that on a physical appearance level (on all other levels she actually looks up to me, for example we're the same age but I'm at least 6 years ahead of her in terms of study), and even then she thinks I'm handsome but that still she's not that attracted to me, and never has been apparently.

Quote:
Work on yourself. Get into the best shape of your life. Read some books and educate yourself on how to gain self confidence. Find something that you enjoy doing and do it. Find some new friends and expand your horizon. Work on making yourself attractive.
Thanks, that's what I'm doing at the moment, but it's making us spend less time together.

Quote:
Possible another man is in the picture?
She is being attracted to some guys at her martial arts club. And she is getting hit on by some of our male friends that she is not attracted to, but that has always been the case. Nothing is going on physically speaking, but emotionally yes.
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 04:23 PM
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Re: Wife with baggage

While friendship is important in a marriage it's not the most important thing. Your wife has to sexually attracted to you and want you. She has to desire you. As a man, that what you want in your marriage. A woman who wants you and desires you. So, she admires your brain, big deal.

If she is attracted to another man, then you are on your way out. Glad you guys are so open and can discuss this. I admire a lot of men, but it does not make me not want my husband. If another man is getting all my desire and I have none to give to my man, thats a problem.

Please don't give her all the power in your marriage. You have the right to have your wife want you. If she cant do that, then walk away. End it and move on. Find someone who looks at you like you bring down the stars and moon.
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