I've tried. A million times. He can't even acknowledge that he is anger. He doesn't identify he's mad. He learned from a very young age that he is not allowed to express anger. And as a child he has acted passively like a **** In spite of who mad him mad. He has always done this. So for me, all I know is that he does certain things that make me mad on purpose even though I tel him not to. He does it anyway. So from my point of view he's being a ****, he's being disrespectful to me bc he does whatever he wants to do regardless of what I feel or say. And it is not ok. He does things he knows will piss me off then acts like he didn't know it would piss me off and he doesn't take responsibility for his action. But come to find out, he was mad at me for some reason that I don't know and that's how he expresses his anger, by passively punishing me. In the end, he never takes responsibility for his behavior, he never says sorry to me bc in his mind it's justified. And also he never admits that he is angry with me. He turns it all around on it being my fault somehow.
I just tried again to address this issue, and he does what every passive aggressive person does... when he is faced with the indisputable truth, and he he is backed up into the wall and can't say anything but admit the truth (which he never will), he throws a child tantrum that has nothing to do with anything we are talking about, and he runs away and hides. He's been hiding in his spare room locked away for like 2 hrs because he can't come back and be confronted with the truth.
Here is an example... we are struggling with money. We have tons of loans from school. His lease for his car is up. We discussed how much he should spend on his next car. He wanted to spend a certain amount which I thought was ridiculously high. (He loves luxury cars). (By the way we share a bank account, and my car is old and payed for.)He thought what I wanted him to spend was too low. In the end we agreed on a price. He went out car looking for the next few weeks. One day he calls me from the dealership, he likes this infinity but it's over the amount we agreed upon. I told him flat out... do not get it. There is no rush, keep looking around. 2 hours later he drives home in that very affinity I told him not to get. I was pissed. We can't afford it. He acted like he couldn't believe I was mad bc it's not THAT much over. Please he knows me very well and he knows damn right I was going to be irate. The reality is, he was very angry with me because he wanted to spend more money on the car and he was mad at me bc I didn't let him. Instead of expressing his angry with me, he went out and bought what he wanted in spite. That is what he does.
Katie, you mentioned once that as a surgeon, he will be making a million a year, correct? Maybe he feels confident he will be able to pay whatever debt you two have accrued once he starts working in that capacity?
I certainly appreciate your frustration. Relationships work much better when both people are open and honest and discuss their differences with an eye toward peacefully resolving them.
But in the absence of that occurring naturally, the only other strategy I can think of is for the more emotionally mature one to lead by example. And, to me, part of that is making the less mature one feel safe in exposing their weaknesses.
Have you tried sharing a struggle of your own with him, including how you were able to resolve it? Maybe hearing about your struggles could give him the confidence to humbly and openly share some of his with you.
It does sound like you two have a Mother/Son dynamic going on. Neither of you seems very happy with it.
Despite your ongoing frustrations, you seem reluctant to leave him. Is that true, or have I misunderstood you? Posted via Mobile Device