What did i get myself into.
I am at a complete loss. I have pulled away from my wife and feel like im being more of a parent then a partner. We have been married for 3yrs and i can't remember if its always been this way or, I've grown, am less accepting or what. I just know that every comment argument action or inaction is becoming more and more of a struggle for me. I started noticing it about 6months ago when we were having a conversation about going to her parents house. I already had standing plans to work around the house and she wanted me to put it off and go to her parents house with her. I declined and reminded her of the last few weekends when i put stuff off to attend her families functions.. By my memory we had had that discussion several times over the years but this time it was way different. She started raising her voice, cursing and accusing me of not caring about her and hating her family. Then out of the corner of my eye and I saw one of the kids standing there listening to their mother speak to me that way. I was livid but i didn't snap back. rather i asked her to calm down and speak with me in the bedroom and she stormed of with the kids calling me an ******* as she exited the house. Out breaks like this have become fairly common over the last 6 months. I have asked her to stop all together and she says sorry cries uncontrollably and says it won't happen again. Then it happens about a week later like clock work except now its in front of anyone and anywhere now.
We agreed to pay off debt in July of this year, budget to make it happen and not use credit anymore. Ive since found out she has been using credit to the tune of $1600 over the last 5 months. When working from home one day last month she got a package. It was a pair of boots. I didn't see any charges to the account from the buckle so i asked if she used credit. She told me no and that she had an old store credit she used. Ok fine i gave her the benefit of the doubt. I pulled credit reports yesterday and noticed her balances on credit cards had gone up by $1600 instead of down like all of mine had. I asked what she had purchased and she straight faced said she was sorry and it was just the boots and a shirt, that was it. I informed her that her balances have gone up by $1600 over the last 5 months. She then flipped a switch and told me that i was controlling her by not letting her spend money, i had no right to look at her credit report (Part of the agreement checks and balances) and no one especially a man is going to tell her what she can do. Then proceeded to tell me i spend money and lie about it as well. I asked what money i lied about and she said the heating element for the hot tub. I about laughed out loud. She said i told her it was a $100 dollar part and it ended up being $225 installed. I asked what fixing something in the house that she is the only one that uses has to do with spending money on myself or lying about it? Then she goes from angry to sad and depressed and the whole world is out to get her and i'm leading it. She then went on to tell me i made her quit her job to stay at home, i keep her from spending money on herself, she informed me she wanted an allowance of $400 a month for her to spend on herself. I was floored. I reminded her she quit her job because her Boss (Friend) threw her under the bus and she quit. That I offered to carry the burden if she wanted to stay at home to play housewife but we would need to budget and pay off debt to make it work. Then i went over the budget with her to entertain her request of a $400 a month allowance. I asked her to keep our agreed goals of being debt free in mind when cutting budgets. She wanted to cut the money going into the retirement account, stop all money from going into emergency savings. Then then said we could pay the minimum of one of two of the cards in her name to get more free spending money. I was floored. i'm still not processing that at all because its night and day. if i would have encountered this logic before marriage there wouldn't have been marriage.
Another infuriating thing I encountered was about 4 months ago. I kicked my 19yo daughter out of the house for drinking, pot and stealing from the little kids. It was sad and disappointing for me to do but i just couldn't have that around the smaller children. During that time my wife's grandmother passed. I come home from work early and find the wife smoking pot in the living room not 2 weeks after i kicked my daughter out for similar behavior. I asked WTF is going on here. Her response was infuriating. She said and I quote "its my house too and i should be able to do what i want, when i want and i'm not hurting anything or anybody". Then proceeded to tell me that she has been doing it for months and its not a big deal since i'm not home during the day and i wouldn't have known if i didn't come home early. Then she flipped it around on me because i didn't text to let her know i was coming home. Then told me it was a dead topic and she didn't want to hear it. I walked away because I wanted to kick her out right then and there. An i have zero trust in her to do the right thing after that comment. You're not home it's ok has undermined trust completely for me. the implications of that line of thinking are boundless.
Anyway dealing with my wife is now like dealing with my oldest daughter was. Im vigilant for half truths omissions question everything and look for everything. i'm waiting for something else to happen some other shoe to drop. im super stressed and on alert constantly. I dont speak to my wife anymore but for passing chit chat and essentials to keep the house running. When we do speak or need to discuss anything i get a combination of the following: She tells me what i think and feel, she always takes everything as me moving against her and the world is out to get her, she isn't getting enough money, she isn't appreciated, not enough sex (she controls that), that I hate her, her crying uncontrollably, self deprecating comments, cursing, calling me names, yelling, being dismissive, twisting past agreements, Blaming me for her poor behavior, saying i do the same things, locking herself in the bedroom and texting me and saying shes scared of me. im at a complete loss. I attempted to speak with her about going to marriage counseling because something has to give and she said to me and i quote again "i hope you like paying for me because i've been staying home for a year and they will make you pay and the house will be mine". Then she broke down sobbing and said she loved me so much, needed me and she didn't want me to leave. Then when i didn't give her the same in return i was a cold hearted ******* who didn't care about her and its my fault. any advice or guidance, resources, opinions?