Apologies in advance... this will be long, hope you can stay with me as I really need help with understanding all this.
I've been with my husband for almost 10 years and have two beautiful little girls. My H is 33 and I am 30, our dd's are 3 and 7. We've always had a great relationship, not perfect, but we are best friends, we really enjoy each others company (even now ...but I'll get to that)
When we met H was is a well paid job and I was not. I was only 20 and fell out with the friend whose house I was staying in and so lost my job and place to stay. Initially he helped me look for somewhere to stay but after a couple of weeks he asked me to move in with him. We were very much falling in love but had only been seeing each other for a month or two. It worked out in the end. I got a new job, getting my wages paid into his account as I had a small amount of debt associated wth mine.
After a few months we bought our first house and by our 2nd anniversay I had given birth to our first dd. We had normal ups and downs (the biggest of which was my reduced libido due to two pregnancies and nursing) but remained best friends and lovers who enjoyed each others company.
Through out the course of our relationship, H has had the full control of our finances. My wages and any government money for the children going into his account.
Fastforward a few years and H's employer went bust and he was suddenly out of a job. He managed to find a new job and that went great for a year or so then again he was made redundant as the full force of the financial crisis hit. There then followed an almost 3 year period of under- or unemployment. Where we accrued a lot of debt ... which we are still in.
H has always been a drinker and it cause minor disruption in our relationship as I am not all that much of a drinker, but it wasn't anything serious.
I was aware of all the stress that he must be under due to our finacial pressure and the lost of his role as breadwinner and caretaker. It seems to me that he has based his self esteem on earning good money and working hard.
Last year H suffered a series of TIA's (mini-strokes) and was diagnosed with high blood pressure, high cholesterol and he also started to suffer panic attacks. For all of these he now, and for the past year, has been taking 5 different types of medication daily. Which I know he hates, I think this has further affected his self-esteem.
Not long after his health problems started he was offered the opportunity to take tennency of a pub. I was really against this idea and made this clear. However, he really wanted to do it and it was a good way of bringing money in. So I supported him 100%. The lasy year since he took on the pub has been the worst of my life.
He has gradually pulled himself away from our family and our realtionship. He has had little or no involvement in the childrens lives. He has been loving and still close with me but our sexlife deteriorated, partially because of the meds he is on but also becasue his drinking increased and he spend very little time at home.
Others may have seen my other posts in other forums on TAM. A few months after he started the pub (aprox march) I found him passed out drunk upstairs in the bed of the young barmaid that worked for him. They were both dressed and to this day I believe that there had been no sexual contact at that time. In May, his behaviour with his phone was suspicious and I asked to see his phone records. He had text this girl 300 times in march alone. He insisted that is was harmless flirting (not sexual) but seemed to really understand that it was hurting me and inappropriate and promised it would stop. I believed him enough not to check up on him further.
Things got better for a while, he quit working night times and was home but 6/7pm. Still checked out of our family but seemed loving and involved as ever with me. Gradually things got worse he started staying out drinking til all hours again and I was still suspicious of this girl.
9 days ago I confronted him on his behaviour and he admitted that he had slept with this girl 3 times and she had become pregnant. At the beggining of July they went together to have a termination (he asked her to do this as he wanted to proctect the family he has, and there could be no future for them)
The affair and aftermath is for another forum. My question is more about his mental health. I did an online questionairre with him yeaterday and he answered yes to all the questions including: Do you have thoughts of suicide and Do you feel worthless.
He has made comments over the last couple of months about thinking about killing himself. More so over the last few days. I dont think he will act on it but of course I realise this needs to be taken seriously
What can I do to help him? and can his affair (which has ripped my heart out) be explained a little by his mental health?
Sorry, but IMO you are looking for excuses.
He may very well have mental/emotional problems, but he is still responsible for his actions. Get him in treatment, even a free clinic. If you can't afford a counselor, maybe a pastor at a church could be a start.
Thank for your reply. So far he has done everything possible to try and make amends for his shocking behaviour. We have started counselling and we're trying to sort things out ... Not that that is going to be anywhere near easy! Posted via Mobile Device
Oh sweet thing, I'm sending you a gentle hug. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Being deceived is horrible.
But now, take a deep breath. You know the truth. Repeat it again, You know the truth. Now you must act to protect you. He's already decided his future.
I kicked him out and haven't seen him for a week, I have been emailing and e has seen the kids twice.
I told his dad about his suicidal thoughts and I know that he has discussed this with him. I don't know what else to do. Our relationship is over but he is the father of my children. I'm scared that losing his family will push him over the edge Posted via Mobile Device
You seem to know what to do but dont want to be the cause of him doing anything daft. Do you want him back or not. Does he want to come back. Do you want him to have to do with your kids. Was his pub making money.
No I don't want him back, I want him to be a good dad and as involved as possible. I want him to sort himself out and I think kicking him out might drive him to drowning his sorrows or worse. No the pub makes no money ... I'm taking on a lot of household debt by kickin him out because he has drive our finances into the ground!
I'm fine I'm worried for him because despite what he has done he's been my partner for ten years (the first nine were good) and he's the father of my two beautiful babies. Is that weird? Posted via Mobile Device
It's weird if you decide to stay with him, it's not weird to make sure he doesn't kill himself.
Him talking about it and admitting he had thoughts and feelings towards it means he's a potential threat. Factor in the guilt he'll feel after he cheated, this is a real threat. I would recommend calling a suicide prevention hotline (Google suicide prevention), they should be able to give you free advice.
I'm not an expert, but I know it's very important to take a few steps for someone like this. It can literally be a life-saver. The biggest one is getting this guy to make a pact that if he feels like killing himself, he calls someone first (probably not you, maybe his parent or a counselor or pastor). Statistically if you can walk them off the ledge for 24-48 hours, they are drastically less likely to attempt suicide. Do not keep this to yourself, you need to let someone help you deal with it. This is not about your relationship.
Sadly you can't force him to be a good dad or to be an involved dad, regardless of the good times in the past. Look at right now, not what was, and try not to look into any crystal balls about what could be.
Right now is what you need to address and deal with. I'm sure he meant well at one point, but right now he's playing the guilt card for his screw ups. He's making the wrong decisions, and instead of repair damage he seems to be landing on you for support, which is the easy way out.
From my own personal experience with the suicides of friends and family members, none of the successful (seems odd to call it 'successful') suicides ever threatened first, they just did it, and thankfully one of them thought to call for help before the pills did her in, now she is alive and well, and has a LOT of mental help. Take your husband's threats seriously, but don't let the threat of his suicide become a rope around your neck too. That's more than you can bear, and he needs professional help.
He needs to deal with his own actions, you are not responsible for them.
Be worried about him, get him some phone numbers or call the suicide-prevention hotline yourself and report him, and then back away until he's accepted help from a neutral group or counselor.
He came over today so we could talk about things. I said some things that made it clear to him that I would not be continuing in the relationship. He got mad and upset and then said 'well this is the last time you'll have to see me' I tried to talk to him, mentioning the kids who need a dad. But he wouldn't talk to me so I got out of the car.
The only thing I could think to do was to call his closest friend and tell them what had happened and what had been said. I asked him to look out for him and that I was worried that his 'threat' was serious. He is going to be pissed that I have involved his friends but I really don't know what else to do Posted via Mobile Device