I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :( - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Physical & Mental Health Issues Marriage and relationships are difficult by themselves, but coping with physical or mental health problems can make things even more difficult.

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post #16 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-08-2016, 04:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :(

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Originally Posted by MSalmoides View Post
I am glad that you recognize this as a problem, whether it be a physical, emotional, or a combination thereof. Don't let it just go, find the reason(s) because you can spiral into this and the longer it goes the harder it is to get back. I would definitely keep looking at the physical angle, so many doctors dismiss women's complaints when they should be helping them to find the cause.

It seems like you've got quite a bit going on through. Are you bored?

~MS
I am trying to figure this out. I don't think I'm bored? Like I said I do work, but part-time. I actually like my job...
A lot of my hobbies (and therefore my identity) are tied up in domestic things. Cooking, cleaning, etc. I don't just surface clean... I clean inside and out and I do a lot of home staging. I also cook full on gourmet meals. Again, I used to... NOw I Just sleep.

I also play competitive sports 2/x week. I'vebeen having a hard time showing up to games, though. I have to force myself. Oddly enough my teams are doing so well so it's not like playing isn't enjoyable.

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post #17 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-08-2016, 05:07 PM
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Re: I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :(

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post #18 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-08-2016, 05:07 PM
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Re: I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :(

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I am trying to figure this out. I don't think I'm bored? Like I said I do work, but part-time. I actually like my job...
A lot of my hobbies (and therefore my identity) are tied up in domestic things. Cooking, cleaning, etc. I don't just surface clean... I clean inside and out and I do a lot of home staging. I also cook full on gourmet meals. Again, I used to... NOw I Just sleep.

I also play competitive sports 2/x week. I'vebeen having a hard time showing up to games, though. I have to force myself. Oddly enough my teams are doing so well so it's not like playing isn't enjoyable.
Think back to the first day you felt like this. Then carefully comb through the week previous to that, and catalog everything that changed during that time. That includes "one-off" events that are not normal, that effected you emotionally when they occurred. Like "My husband's sister came over, and really upset me by doing such and such".

Perhaps that will help you find the source.

As a mother, I eat stress for breakfast. - Megan Conley

I don't trust words. I even question actions. But I hardly ever doubt patterns.

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post #19 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-09-2016, 10:18 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :(

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Think back to the first day you felt like this. Then carefully comb through the week previous to that, and catalog everything that changed during that time. That includes "one-off" events that are not normal, that effected you emotionally when they occurred. Like "My husband's sister came over, and really upset me by doing such and such".

Perhaps that will help you find the source.
The source is 2 weeks ago my SIL had a baby. Another baby. Another baby with no father, I should add. This is a huge source of conflict for me because her decisions concerning children violate my entire moral code. (I don't think any more detail on this is required, but I can give it if anyone needs it for clarification.) In sum, everything I believe in she and his family don't. (My husband is the exception... Otherwise I never would have married him.)

I know I can't tell people how to live their lives and everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, but I don't want to be around a group of people that aren't on the same page as me concerning finances, child rearing, housekeeping, spousal relationships, health, etc. I've always differed from them on this and my husband says he "wants" to be like me concerning these life approaches, but sometimes, I doubt him. Or, I'm terrified he doesn't actually want what I want. Up until this baby we had put sufficient space between them so I thought things were OK, but now he wants to go there every weekend. No. I don't want to spend my Saturdays like that. When I tell him to go without me he gets SO upset. His sister's husband doesn't get on with their family either and he NEVER goes to any social calls, events, etc. I'm jealous of him, too - although I'd never want the relationship he and he wife have, but that's another issue altogether...

I think that's why I'm rebelling by being lazy. I want him to tell me it's not OK to come home, hop into my pajamas and sit on the couch. There's dinner to be made, a house to be cleaned, a dog to be walked, sex to have, etc. This is how his 2 sisters and mother live and I always told him how unfitting for ME it was. (His mother didn't work at all and played Candy Crush all day, just to give an example.)

Now that this is all off my chest, I need to STFU. Like the above poster's tagline: Not my circus, not my clowns. They're not going anywhere so I need to learn how to cope. I don't need my husband's validation. It'd be nice to have, but the only person you have in this world is yourself so I need to embrace that without resenting my husband. As far as husbands go, he's more useful and attentive than most so although this is a big issue, it's one issue and I have to let it go. It has to start with me and my attitude.

I'll go grab a coffee and Google roast recipes. We have an awesome roast I should have cooked, but didn't have the appetite or desire to do so. A roast will be nice on a day like today.
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post #20 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-09-2016, 10:19 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :(

Thank you all so much for your helpful replies. I feel much better. Still a little sad, but it was nice to post myself out and not be made to feel like a monster because I feel the way I feel.

Thank you, everyone, .
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post #21 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-09-2016, 11:48 AM
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Re: I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :(

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I can't get an IUD because I've never had children yet.
And oh no! My husband is gorgeous. He's so fit. I really don't have any complaints about him physically. If only it were that simple...
I have an IUD and don't have children. Yes, it's harder for women that haven't had children but that doesn't keep you from getting one.

It sounds like depression to me. If it's only been a few weeks, then I wouldn't stress out too much over it. But if it drags out longer, talk to your doctor.

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #22 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-09-2016, 12:01 PM
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Re: I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :(

This isn't a medical issue. It's an issue of you becoming disenchanted with your marriage and your day-to-day life (i.e. entanglement with his family, wondering what's down the road for you two, are you being supported or supplanted, are you losing your identity, is he taking you for granted, etc.).

I would first recommend reading His Needs Her Needs, so you'll understand what a healthy marriage looks like. Share what you learn with your husband. Set up monthly 'state of the marriage' meetings where you both safely discuss how you feel things are going. The key here is to discuss issues before they become resentments and you shut down communication.

Him getting upset when you don't want to be with his family...there's more to that story. Does he worry about looking bad to them? Does he have to please them? At your expense? Is he used to you doing what he wants and he doesn't like dissent? Are you being rude about them and he feels he has to choose? Think about it.

Who's alluding to you being a monster? Your husband? His sister? Parents?

You DO sound pretty judgmental. Does he go on about how worthless or stupid or whatever YOUR family is? If he did, how would you feel? It doesn't sound like you're being cognizant of your husband's feelings. I'm not saying you should hang out with them all the time; just that you should be your H's biggest supporter, and he yours. Couples lose sight of that sometimes.

After reading HNHN, explain it to him and then do the EN and LB questionnaires together. That will be a good start.
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post #23 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-09-2016, 01:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :(

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This isn't a medical issue. It's an issue of you becoming disenchanted with your marriage and your day-to-day life (i.e. entanglement with his family, wondering what's down the road for you two, are you being supported or supplanted, are you losing your identity, is he taking you for granted, etc.).

I would first recommend reading His Needs Her Needs, so you'll understand what a healthy marriage looks like. Share what you learn with your husband. Set up monthly 'state of the marriage' meetings where you both safely discuss how you feel things are going. The key here is to discuss issues before they become resentments and you shut down communication.

Him getting upset when you don't want to be with his family...there's more to that story. Does he worry about looking bad to them? Does he have to please them? At your expense? Is he used to you doing what he wants and he doesn't like dissent? Are you being rude about them and he feels he has to choose? Think about it.

Who's alluding to you being a monster? Your husband? His sister? Parents?

You DO sound pretty judgmental. Does he go on about how worthless or stupid or whatever YOUR family is? If he did, how would you feel? It doesn't sound like you're being cognizant of your husband's feelings. I'm not saying you should hang out with them all the time; just that you should be your H's biggest supporter, and he yours. Couples lose sight of that sometimes.

After reading HNHN, explain it to him and then do the EN and LB questionnaires together. That will be a good start.
You're probably right. I'm a very blunt and straight forward person so we definitely talked about day-to-day expectations before we got married. I said, verbatim: "I will not spend every weekend with your family or mine. We're young and child free and now is the time to travel, spend time with friends, etc." He agreed in words, but not in action to my satisfaction. He goes off every chance he can get to spend time with his family and that bothers me. It even hurts my feelings. I wish it didn't, but it really does. Why? Because how one chooses to spend their time is a reflection of their hobbies, personality, future plans, desires, etc. I told him I want to him to go make a friend. Spend time with healthy, happy and functioning people. I'm terrified we're going to get dragged down with his family if we keep in such constant contact with them.

I'm the type of person whom gets VERY affected by my environment. My husband can shrug off their toxicity, but I leave feeling anxious depressed and overall paranoid for my future. (It works both ways too in that if I'm in a happy and healthy environment I feed off it.)

He got off work early today due to a snow storm and he came home, plowed through some cleaning (which I know was just to please me and shut me up) and go off and visit them. He doesn't want to be here. And I don't want him to be here if he doesn't want to. If they were offering some grand life that was better than what we have I wouldn't care so much. I'd probably go over and join him. But they don't offer anything and it makes me feel like I offer even less. I don't want to feel like the poop on poop. (Yes, I'm calling them poop, but if you knew these people you'd understand.) I wish I could compare it to something, but it's almost like getting passed over for a promotion at work because your co-worker is full of sob stories, hard times, etc., but has no real skills for the job. I don't like feeling like this.

Aside: He doesn't really say much about my family because they're all relatively normal. We also don't spend that much time with them (I consider it a normal amount). My mom has also helped him out and supported him more than his own family ever has and I know he loves having her, but is embarrassed his family doesn't do for him what she does.

You know those people who latch onto people who treat them like garbage and neglect the ones who treat them well? That's what I feel like is going on and it's rattling me to the core.
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post #24 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-09-2016, 02:25 PM
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Re: I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :(

If he feels he has to 'earn' their approval, he'll end up spending the rest of his life trying to attain it. At your expense.

If he just feels more comfortable with them than with you, that's concerning; it could be from a dozen different reasons. Maybe the EN and LB questionnaires will help get to the bottom of it.
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post #25 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-09-2016, 02:46 PM
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Re: I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :(

bad news: it's going to be on you to fix this
awesome news: you spotted it so soon

bad news: it is a form of depression and is going to just get worse if you let it continue.

good news: it's more about that your life has entered a kind of humdrum phase, and so your body/brain is adapting to the lower level of drive (see previous b.news.)

A large amount of this could be physical changes. Chances are a huge amount is influenced by diet. If you're a person that enjoys coffee, that would be the first thing to stop - chances are your body has finally built a tolerance to your current addiction level, so instead of getting your normal kickstart, you're just flatline. Problem with addiction is when the body starts adapting it gets better at it in the future.
Things like S.A.D. will also hit you worse.

More bad news: if you were the meal manufacturer in the relationship, dropping meal quality because your falling attention levels, is a spiralling effect. One that plagues many people suffering from depression or anxiety related conditions. Make a special effort to ensure good quality meals, from somewhere. Also try varying your gluten intake to see if it affects your mood or energy level, not all gluten or gluten products are equal, so if a bread or pastry maker's supplier has changed their component supplier it can affect your mental health! Also consider a daily intake of apple cider vinegar with "mother" to keep intestinal pH at level for favourable minibiology; once again a fluctuation in diet can quickly make pathogen changes in this area which leads to increased toxicity and decreased energy (something in the region of 40% of "you" by body weight exists in this area of "your" body, don't overlook their influence on the rest of you which depends on that part working properly.

more good news: you're at an excellent point to start revaluating where the two of you want to go with your lives. for most people this doesn't occur for about 5-10 years when the habits and goals are too hard to break. You're on this early, so you get a chance to think about what would excite you going forwards.

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post #26 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-09-2016, 03:07 PM
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Re: I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :(

It's his family, it's where he came from and he loves them. If he stays away he will miss them and if they die he will be devastated. To you the baby maybe a product of a bad life decision but to him it's an innocent child and his niece. Like it or not they are part of who he is. Are his family beneath your standards, yes; and maybe even beneath HIS OWN standards. But any implication that your family is better than his, verbalized or otherwise is an insult to who he is.

I'm not defending his family or their lifestyle choices. I wouldn't spend time in such an environment if I can help it. But if you push him too far he will be forced to make a choice between his family and you. You WILL NOT like his choice.
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post #27 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-09-2016, 05:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :(

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It's his family, it's where he came from and he loves them. If he stays away he will miss them and if they die he will be devastated. To you the baby maybe a product of a bad life decision but to him it's an innocent child and his niece. Like it or not they are part of who he is. Are his family beneath your standards, yes; and maybe even beneath HIS OWN standards. But any implication that your family is better than his, verbalized or otherwise is an insult to who he is.

I'm not defending his family or their lifestyle choices. I wouldn't spend time in such an environment if I can help it. But if you push him too far he will be forced to make a choice between his family and you. You WILL NOT like his choice.
This makes a lot of sense to me, especially your line about my implications (which I'm sure I'm giving even if I'm trying to hide them) about his family. He knows how I feel. I'm sure they even know and I bet they don't like being around me just as much as I don't like being around them. Ironically, they're the "better" people by tolerating my judging and overall poor attitude. That's something to chew on for sure...

One thing I HATE in life are hypocrites and it would be extremely hypocritical of me to be angry with him for not supporting who I am (i.e. someone with higher standards than his family) when I'm not supporting who he is (i.e. someone willing to love people beneath his standards). It's almost like we're not accepting each other are we are? My biggest issue is I don't feel valued for being who I am and believing in what I believe in, but I guess I'm doing the exact same thing to him. It's pretty enlightening to realize I've been a big old hypocrite!

Maybe it does have to start with me. Now that I feel more equal (in that he's treating me the way I'm treating him) I think I can WANT to change my attitude towards them.

Thank you so much for saying you wouldn't want to be around them, either. It really is them against me so I always end up feeling like a monster for disliking them because no one *gets* me.

However, I think he WOULD choose me and I think that's why I'm pushing him. He's chosen me before in that I *got* him to completely cut off contact with them completely when they were at their most toxic. It was during our wedding planning and I straight up didn't want them bringing me down during that happy time in my life. I don't regret pushing him for that. Maybe when we have a baby I can insist further separation for our safety, but now I think I'll just submit. They're not going to bring me down if I don't let them and I just have to support him, but be on my guard and not let them be too involved in our lives.

There's so much I want to say about them. If I can't get validation and confirmation from my husband that they're complete nut jobs maybe I'll feel better if I get it from people on the Internet, but that's probably not the healthiest approach, either.
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post #28 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-09-2016, 05:13 PM
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Re: I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :(

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post #29 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-09-2016, 05:41 PM
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Re: I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :(

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One thing I HATE in life are hypocrites

It really is them against me so I always end up feeling like a monster for disliking them because no one *gets* me.

However, I think he WOULD choose me and I think that's why I'm pushing him. He's chosen me before in that I *got* him to completely cut off contact with them completely when they were at their most toxic. It was during our wedding planning and I straight up didn't want them bringing me down during that happy time in my life. I don't regret pushing him for that. Maybe when we have a baby I can insist further separation for our safety, but now I think I'll just submit. They're not going to bring me down if I don't let them and I just have to support him, but be on my guard and not let them be too involved in our lives.

There's so much I want to say about them. If I can't get validation and confirmation from my husband that they're complete nut jobs maybe I'll feel better if I get it from people on the Internet, but that's probably not the healthiest approach, either.
Ironic, much? You say you're no hypocrite, but you are hell bent on excising them 100% out of your lives because YOU don't like them. You agree with us in one breath to be a more decent person and in the very next breath you just reiterate how disgusting and worthless they all are.

You have NO INTENTION of looking at YOUR failings. You just want to be right.

I could get that if every single one of them had a certified mental condition like BPD or bipolar or schizophrenic.

But that's not the issue, is it?

It's that they are BENEATH you. In YOUR mind. You are judge and jury and he had damn well better agree with you...or else.

fwiw, it has been my experience that the less you have in life, the nicer a person you are. But all I hear from you is how deplorable they all are, how 'not good enough' they are. How they aren't as...whatever...as you are.

It sounds to me like you're determined to turn him into a project or a clone, to be or want or care about what YOU want. Not very attractive, Unicorn. And you can bet if that's what I see out here in neverland, your husband feels it ten times over.

Warning: he won't choose to do it your way forever, especially if you insist on this my way or the highway routine. You'll become too intractable and too much work and not enough benefit.
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post #30 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 08:11 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :(

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@UnicornCupcake my side of the family is a freak show. My marriage has lasted longer than the combined multiple marriages of just about everyone, and the fact that I was in a stable marriage before having a child was alien to them. There are more baby daddies and baby mommies...I swear I gave up on trying to remember who screwed whom to spawn which offspring. Living off the government to boot. I ignore it all now. It took a while for my wife to be at peace with the bad behavior enabler culture of my family. Now she's like "meh." Find peace with the life you love and ignore the freak show.

Not my circus, not my clowns. Just a small insight into one reason that is in my signature.

~MS
This sounds a lot like them... His mother killed herself 6 months ago because she was SO unhappy with her life and no one will admit that's what she did. (There was a note.) They won't acknowledge it as a suicide. THAT'S how toxic they are. They enable and bury their heads in the sand because they don't want to accept that their actions have consequences. That their lifestyles are poison. I noticed something off about his mom a year before it happened and I told them I think she's at risk for suicide, but no one listened to me. In their heads, everything was OK.

Any insight on how to reach her level of indifference/acceptance would be appreciated. I'd love to able to be "meh" about them, but I live in this constant fear that they're poisoning me. That they're going to ruin my life. I don't want to end up like his mom... A sad woman living in a sad marriage with a sad life.

I know he'll want to visit them today, and I'm going to insist I don't go while trying not to put them down. Visiting them doesn't make me happy. It makes me sad and anxious and depressed and I need to focus on getting better. If that means putting more space between them then that's what I Have to do. We all like to blame people for our problems and if that's what I'm doing I don't care... As long as it works and I feel better. If he wants to go visit them, he can. But he'll wonder why I'm not in the mood to have sex later. We won't spend any time together until bed time and I just will feel too detached to bother.
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