I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :( - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Physical & Mental Health Issues Marriage and relationships are difficult by themselves, but coping with physical or mental health problems can make things even more difficult.

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post #31 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 08:12 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :(

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Ironic, much? You say you're no hypocrite, but you are hell bent on excising them 100% out of your lives because YOU don't like them. You agree with us in one breath to be a more decent person and in the very next breath you just reiterate how disgusting and worthless they all are.

You have NO INTENTION of looking at YOUR failings. You just want to be right.

I could get that if every single one of them had a certified mental condition like BPD or bipolar or schizophrenic.

But that's not the issue, is it?

It's that they are BENEATH you. In YOUR mind. You are judge and jury and he had damn well better agree with you...or else.

fwiw, it has been my experience that the less you have in life, the nicer a person you are. But all I hear from you is how deplorable they all are, how 'not good enough' they are. How they aren't as...whatever...as you are.

It sounds to me like you're determined to turn him into a project or a clone, to be or want or care about what YOU want. Not very attractive, Unicorn. And you can bet if that's what I see out here in neverland, your husband feels it ten times over.

Warning: he won't choose to do it your way forever, especially if you insist on this my way or the highway routine. You'll become too intractable and too much work and not enough benefit.
Damn Janice, things don't change over night do they. Of course I'm flipping from wanting to do one thing in one breath to regressing back the next. I hate these people. I have to retrain my entire way of thinking and punch holes in my entire moral code just to stomach them.

And if there comes a time he won't choose me, I'll leave him. It really is that simple. My mental health and happiness is too important to sacrifice. Even for my husband. I won't stay in an unhappy marriage. THat's what happened to his mother and I refuse to go out like that.

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post #32 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 08:34 AM
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Re: I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :(

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Damn Janice, things don't change over night do they. Of course I'm flipping from wanting to do one thing in one breath to regressing back the next. I hate these people. I have to retrain my entire way of thinking and punch holes in my entire moral code just to stomach them.

And if there comes a time he won't choose me, I'll leave him. It really is that simple. My mental health and happiness is too important to sacrifice. Even for my husband. I won't stay in an unhappy marriage. THat's what happened to his mother and I refuse to go out like that.
Do you think you are basically losing respect for your husband because of how passive he is being with his family?

There is nothing wrong with having values and taking a stand for those values. It shows character, and a spine.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #33 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 08:47 AM
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Re: I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :(

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post #34 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 09:13 AM
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Re: I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :(

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I hate these people. I have to retrain my entire way of thinking and punch holes in my entire moral code just to stomach them.
Legit question. If you knew this about them before you married your husband, what was your ultimate hope that you would get him to completely cut off contact with them forever? Why would you marry a man whose family's moral code makes you want to vomit?

As someone who had to cut-off toxic in-laws for my own mental health, it isn't that I don't understand the need but what was the desired outcome here?
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post #35 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 09:21 AM
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Re: I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :(

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Legit question. If you knew this about them before you married your husband, what was your ultimate hope that you would get him to completely cut off contact with them forever? Why would you marry a man whose family's moral code makes you want to vomit?

As someone who had to cut-off toxic in-laws for my own mental health, it isn't that I don't understand the need but what was the desired outcome here?
Not sure what the OP will say, but it could be that she was young and naive when they first met. Or maybe the sil did not have any kids then.

And, of course, love can be blind.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #36 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 11:03 AM
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Re: I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :(

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I know he'll want to visit them today, and I'm going to insist I don't go while trying not to put them down. Visiting them doesn't make me happy. It makes me sad and anxious and depressed and I need to focus on getting better. If that means putting more space between them then that's what I Have to do. We all like to blame people for our problems and if that's what I'm doing I don't care... As long as it works and I feel better. If he wants to go visit them, he can. But he'll wonder why I'm not in the mood to have sex later. We won't spend any time together until bed time and I just will feel too detached to bother.
Good that you're trying not to put them down. That never works because he'll feel he has to defend them.

The better way to address this is without emotion. To point out that you're your own person and you have the right to your own opinion and feelings, just like he does. And in this area, you two are incompatible. Kind of like the couple who agrees not to discuss politics. Don't make it a battle. It's the battle that's causing you to not want sex; you see that, right? So just make this one of those things that you two don't do together.
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post #37 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 01:39 PM
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Re: I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :(

You sound very young and immature. How old are you? Don't take offense to what I'm saying, I'm just giving my honest opinion to help. How long have you been married?
Who cares about your SIL. You sound like a jealous hater. Who cares what she does, you sound like you are so full of yourself with how you speak about her. Get over yourself, that is your husbands sister and he is going to love her unconditionally. Maybe you should be more loving and sympathetic to her situation instead of jealous of her attention.
Your unhappy probably because you had an Image in your head with how your life was going to be and it's not like that at all. Let go of that imagine and start to live the life that makes you happy.
A lot of people have this Image in their head that staying home would be great and they have this unrealistic expectation from it. The reality is, cleaning and cooking suck when you have to do it so often. That's life.
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post #38 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 01:50 PM
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Re: I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :(

Reading through your thread you reek of judgment, entitlement, nagging, needy, high maintenance, and overall a wet rag. I wouldn't want to come home and spend much time with you either. You 100% need to change your attitude, stop thinking your better than his family because at the end of the day no one wants to hang out with someone who isn't fun, and who makes them feel bad about themselves, or who isn't good enough. I don't care if people are trashy or classy, if they are fun and I have fun around them I will keep hanging out with them.
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post #39 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 02:18 PM
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Re: I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :(

More kindness, less judgement...

"I hate these people" is the biggest thing that stood out from everything I have read so far...

Everything else was a wonderful work in progress of understanding your values and how they need to interface in situations you dislike and with people who may choose poorly, but still value relationships over mistakes.

Valuable contributions and many different aspects to look at and digest.

But to hate these people... that just hurts a heart to hear.

One can easily hold their values, maintain their morals, be disappointed in the actions of other without hate.

Every step we can take to remove fostered resentment and selfish judgements is a transforming step... because without them they limit our happiness in so many ways.

Think about how best to free yours...
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post #40 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 02:22 PM
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Re: I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :(

@Emerging Buddhist I love when you talk lol

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post #41 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 05:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :(

I have to get something off of my chest ASAP, before I return home to my husband. (Was running errands all day.) I'll respond to the comments later, I don't want anyone to think I'm avoiding some of the harsher responses, but I have to get this off my chest before I lose my s***!

First of all, I'm an animal activist. I feel very strongly for animals and my dog is literally my child. Another issue I've had with his family (yes, another issue-) is how irresponsible they are with pets. In the past 12 months they've rehomed a husky, an --English Bulldog and 2 cats.

When my husband and I were looking for a new place last year we asked his mother (before she killed herself) if she wanted us to take the husky. She didn't walk him and they were also moving to a much smaller house with no yard so he'd need to be walked. She never walked him (and I knew she never would), but it wasn't an issue in their old house because they had a huge lot. She said no. No way was I taking that dog from her. Ok. When we were choosing between two houses I gave her one final conversation about this dog. (One house had a huge lot the other did not and if she didn't watt he husky we'd take the house with the bigger lot and the husky.) Nope. She didn't budge. 6 months later (after they've moved into their new house with no yard) she gave the dog away. Got tired of his fur and having to take him out. SERIOUSLY? Then she bought an English Bulldog. Got rid of him because he was too hyper. I told her the second she brought that dog home they were a high maintenance breed. They're not for lazy people. Another dog gone. Then she got a cat. Got rid of it because it threw up all over the house one day.

His sister moved three times in 1 year. She had a small dog. When we saw this dog 3 months ago it looked like one of those starving animals you see on the commercials. When I told her she needed to take him to the vet ASAP her response was she couldn't afford it. Then she bought pizza. Ok? I told her I'd be willing to take the dog to the vet in lieu of getting her children Christmas presents. I also told her that this dog will die if she doesn't seek care. I even threatened to call the SPCA on her. She was not having this. Anyway, I just learned the dog died. OF STARVATION. This dog lost her teeth and was terrorized bynew new cats (which she also plans to get rid of) She didn't even take the dog to the vet! BUt she had a couple hundred dollars to order food for her birthdya tomorrow?

Can you seriously blame me for dislking and wanting to spit on these people? You know what else? She will get another dog! I KNOW she will.

Was I aware they were this insane when we met? No. But you know what. I'm done being upset with myself for thinking so lowly of them. THEY ARELOWLY.

I"M REELING. I WILL CAL THE POLICE IF SHEGETS ANOTHER PET
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post #42 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 06:56 PM
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Re: I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :(

Wow, that's terrible.

Definitely report her to whomever you can regarding pet issues.

Glad you are not questioning your feelings anymore. Sounds like you have them for a reason.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #43 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 08:31 PM
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Re: I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :(

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Originally Posted by UnicornCupcake;17013281[B
]I do take birth control and a few weeks ago my packet got wet (dropped it in the toilet) so I lost a few days of pills. I'm not sure if that's enough to throw off all of my hormones? [/B]It's also why I haven't been intimate: I needed to wait for the cycle to regulate so I'd be fully protected. This is another thing I have an issue with: I take protecting myself from unwanted pregnancy VERY seriously and my husband just makes me feel paranoid or stupid for damaging the pill pack. But when I make a comment about how if his sister was more careful she wouldn't have 2 kids from 2 different dads suddenly I'm a heartless *****. It's another area I don't feel supported in.
A lot of women have TERRIBLE reactions to hormone-based birth control. Especially after missing a pill or two. I felt exactly like you and also had terrible migraine headaches while on my last prescription. I've been hormone-free for 3 months and am feeling wonderful - back to old my self!

Regarding the pill, the rhythm aka pull-out method (if done correctly) has proven to be almost as effective. There's a lot of cool apps where you can track the days you are ovulating and either avoid having sex those days or use a condom.

I'd also consider seeing a therapist to deal with some of the issues you've mentioned. For me, therapy has been a God-send in dealing with life's (many) challenges. Having to face that level of animal cruelty from a "loved-one" would make me not only depressed, but probably physically ill. Sending you hugs and strength for standing up for those without voices.

Ps. The supplement Evening Primrose is AWESOME for getting hormones back on track.
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post #44 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 08:06 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :(

I woke up feeling really sad. And angry. And guilty I want to hit her and scream at my husband for not allowing me take the dog because "it wasn't our problem" because I think the dog could have been saved if taken to a vet. My guess is she needed to change her food to a specific diet that was more friendly to her physically (due to not having teeth) and biologically (she was an extra small dog and small breeds aren't always OK at eating cheap grocery store brands). [Aside: I have a small dog and she eats anything so I'm not hating on basic brands, but as a pet owner you should be able to tell whether or not what you're giving the animal is working. If they're throwing up constantly, clearly that product is not working!] The last issue is that she refused to surrender the pet. When she was complaining about not having enough money (due to just having a baby) to take the dog to the vet I told her the Humane Society will take the pet (as a surrender) if she goes and explains herself. "I'm not giving up my dog," was her response.

So, to the poster who told me to be a less judgmental and more open (or whatever) my answer is no. The dog was the last straw for me. I'm tired of trying to like them. Tired of trying to figure out what's wrong with me for not liking them and how to fix it. They don't deserve that kind of attention or effort. They're almost inhumane. (Don't even get me started on how before his mother killed herself she racked up credit debt and tried to cheat on their dad.) Now? I'm just going to work on indifference. I'm just going to work on a way to let them exist without letting them affect me.

The problem is, we're supposed to visit them later. I don't want to. All that happens whenever we visit is hours go by and I ask to leave and my husband says, "ALREADY?" so I'm made to feel like a ***** for wanting to get out of there. Don't even get me started on the food they ordered. I can't eat it. I'm on the toilet for days so I have to roll up with a salad looking like an absolute ass. We'll also end up sitting on the floor because she doesn't have furniture. Why am I the ass for not wanting to eat crap? Or to sit on the floor? It's not like I can sit on my phone and drown them out, either. He doesn't like that. But we're not talking about anything, either. Usually just gossip about neighbours. It's so unfair. His other sister's husband dislikes them all as well and he never goes to any of these things, but if I don't my husband gets so upset. Why even want me there when I clearly don't want to be there? Why can't he just let me stay home without it being a big deal? Why are my reasons to want to stay home and not see them so invalid? If we only saw them once a month I coul dhandle myself, but every other week, sometimes every week is too much.
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post #45 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 10:36 AM
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Re: I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :(

We already told you how to handle visiting them: just don't go. He can't 'make' you go; only YOU can do that. You have a lot of anger at people - including your husband - over whom you have no control. You really should start going to therapy for that.
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