I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :( - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Physical & Mental Health Issues Marriage and relationships are difficult by themselves, but coping with physical or mental health problems can make things even more difficult.

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post #46 of 55 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 10:55 AM
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Re: I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :(

Your husband knows how you feel about his family and yet insists on going over there every weekend or every other week anyway. Apparently for hours. Personally that seems really, really attached to be hanging out with them literally every weekend. Why doesn't he want to spend time just the two of you alone?

That would be my real problem with all of this.

All of the background reasons about why you don't like them are really secondary because ignoring them won't fix the issue with your husband being over there constantly. I'd say the two of you need to work on that.

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post #47 of 55 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 02:57 PM
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Re: I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :(

You need to learn how to get along with his family even if you don't like them. I agree with you that you shouldn't go over there every weekend or whatever. Don't go. Have an adult conversation with your husband and come to an agreement with how much he wants to visit with them. He can go by himself sometimes. Maybe you should invite them over your house once a month and be a nice host. This way you can control the food and the environment and still maintain some sort of relationship with them.
Another thing is... you need to learn how to be civil and respectful of people even if you disagree with them. Even if you hate their viewpoint. This is a maturity thing. You need to realize that people are allowed their own opinion (even if it's stupid) and you have to respect it. That is being a mature adult.
Your marriage will not last if something doesn't give. I think you should lessen how often you see them but when you do make an honest effort to be nice and friendly and make a relationship with these people. One day you guys will have kids and he is going to want his kids to be with his family. You need to work it out.
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post #48 of 55 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 03:07 PM
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Re: I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :(

Actions speak louder than words. This is less about his family and more about your husband and your marriage. Your husband is showing you by his actions that his family is important to him. You need to listen to that. He is also telling you that it's important to him that you to get along with his family.
You guys need to figure out how you can spend time with his family that you are both comfortable with. If you love your husband you will find a way to get along with his family.
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post #49 of 55 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 03:25 PM
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Re: I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :(

Your mind seems made up for many things fueled by how you see and project...

The Buddha said, "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."

You can be a pyromaniac, or a firefighter... in the end, what we turn into is in our own control.

Unless you would like to ask something of me, I will respectfully bow out.

May you find the peace you are looking for.

Last edited by Emerging Buddhist; 12-12-2016 at 11:16 AM. Reason: Mindful Grammer...
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post #50 of 55 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 11:30 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :(

Hi everyone!
In sum, the visit went well.

I had to fight with all my might not to pry into the situation concerning the dog and I even bit my tongue when her son was showing me videos of the new "doggy" he wanted to get. Their old dog is currently in a box in their (shared - it's a co-op town home) backyard. (Ew.) I can't control what they do. I can't even voice my opinion because they don't see anything they're doing (concerning animals) as wrong. Her son was showing my these videos while she was talking about how she's planning to get rid of her cats. My plan is to call the SPCA anonymously if they do get another pet. That's all I think I can do. Communication will cause problems and if I have to do what I think is right passive aggressively (I'll deny it if they ask me if I called), then so be it. This issue is done and over with.

My new plan is to go visit them, but only on special occasions. Birthdays. Christmas. That's it. If my husband wants to go, he's welcome to it. A little space between him and I is probably a good idea, too. (To the poster who asked about how much time we spend together the answer is a lot: We have the same hobbies and we play on the same team so 3 evenings/week we are either playing together or supporting each other. In comparison to "other" couples in my social circle we spend a lot of time together.) When we have plans we don't see them, but I feel on the weekends we don't (which is about every other weekend as we're relatively social, but definitely don't go out every weekend) he wants to go to them. I wish he'd want to limit this to 1x/month, but the choice is his. I have more than enough hobbies to keep me busy.

What broke my heart was seeing how happy he was while there. He wanted to hold the new baby. Skype his family in Europe and play with the older children. He was smiling a lot and I don't want to take that away from him. He was supportive of when I wanted to leave, as well. (We agreed on a 2 h visit.) His sister made a comment about why I'm leaving and I just said "I have stuff to do." She said, "You always have stuff to do." I left it at that. The biggest difference between his family and mine is that I can't sit and chit chat all night. I get antsy and need to move around. They are very much couch sitters which is cool, but I wish they'd understand why I can't do it.

Thanks everyone for your responses. I hope I can get through this, but it's going to take a lot of energy and effort and more posts
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post #51 of 55 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 01:30 PM
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Re: I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :(

Your doing the right things. You need to realize that not everyone is as smart and educated and values the same things as you. And there is no changing these people so don't waste your energy and don't get frustrated. You can't expect anyone to be anything other that what they are. "Lower class" people are going to act like lower class people. Stop expecting otherwise. You need to be the nice, smart classy person that you are and just live by example and smile and be nice and make people feel comfortable.
Another thing is... how you treat people says more about you than it does about them. Be nice to them and treat them with respect Bc YOU are nice and respectful. My favorite quote... how you make others feel about themselves says a lot about who you are. Don't make your husbands family feel second class or inferior to you. That's not nice and that's not the person you want to be. Good luck!!
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post #52 of 55 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 11:31 PM
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Re: I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :(

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You sound very young and immature. How old are you? Don't take offense to what I'm saying, I'm just giving my honest opinion to help. How long have you been married?
Who cares about your SIL. You sound like a jealous hater. Who cares what she does, you sound like you are so full of yourself with how you speak about her. Get over yourself, that is your husbands sister and he is going to love her unconditionally. Maybe you should be more loving and sympathetic to her situation instead of jealous of her attention.
Your unhappy probably because you had an Image in your head with how your life was going to be and it's not like that at all. Let go of that imagine and start to live the life that makes you happy.
A lot of people have this Image in their head that staying home would be great and they have this unrealistic expectation from it. The reality is, cleaning and cooking suck when you have to do it so often. That's life.


IDK. To me it seems that OP is upset because she isn't the highest priority in her husband's life. That he is putting something- family or work- ahead of her and she resents it.
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post #53 of 55 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 05:47 AM
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Re: I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :(

You say you respect other people's way of life, yet you resent your husband for being there for his sister strictly because of her not doing all that you do. Who cares if her house is messy.. You don't have to live there. As long as she's taking care of her kids who cares if she hasnt folded her laundry, etc.

On the other hand, talk to your husband. Tell him what's bothering you. Then go see your doctor. Sounds like depression although I'm no doctor.

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post #54 of 55 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 08:54 AM
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Re: I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :(

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IDK. To me it seems that OP is upset because she isn't the highest priority in her husband's life. That he is putting something- family or work- ahead of her and she resents it.


Or she's needy and controlling and judgmental. When you get married you marry the family. Every other week or once a week is not asking too much. If she doesn't want to go she doesn't have to. But her attitude toward them, her complaining and putting them down and making it very obvious that she feels that she is better than them therefore she needs more attention and her husband has to agree with her is a huge problem. Her lack of respect for her husband and his family is the real problem.
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post #55 of 55 (permalink) Old 06-23-2017, 01:21 PM
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Re: I don't like the type of wife I'm turning into, :(

Susan Summers has excellent books on hormones and balancing them. Read them.

Maybe you and your H can start working out together at a good quality health club. I did so with my W. I got her a female trainer as I knew Spouses really can't teach each other and benefit.

Our personal lives improved as we had something new to do together. As we got in shape, more fun at home happened too! When you're in shape and drop the yucky flab lots of things get fun!

So what if we are all over each other in bed more than we were before. It's our business!! ;-)

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