I'm not happy with who I am anymore... - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Physical & Mental Health Issues Marriage and relationships are difficult by themselves, but coping with physical or mental health problems can make things even more difficult.

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post #16 of 106 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 11:06 PM
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

Z, what do you do well?


"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #17 of 106 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 11:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

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Z, what do you do well?
Provide for my family, service customers at my job, love my family and friends
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post #18 of 106 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 11:28 PM
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

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Yeah, it pretty much became about her. She finally let me hold her last night, but she slept in her side of the bed Saturday night. I feel her lack of empathy has gotten worse but maybe I'm just overanalyzing things.
It sounds like she's scared. Maybe she's afraid of you doing something to yourself and is pulling away to protect herself.

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post #19 of 106 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 11:39 PM
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

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It sounds like she's scared. Maybe she's afraid of you doing something to yourself and is pulling away to protect herself.

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Go read his other thread, it is much more involved than what you posted.

Look Z, keep talking and getting counseling. What you have to learn is, you control your own happiness. All the drugs in the world won't help if you do everything just to keep her around. You need to change because YOU don't like the anxiety and depression you feel. You can't tie your happiness to pleasing her. This is why people fail at many things, they do it strictly for others and lose themselves in the process.
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post #20 of 106 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 05:26 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

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Go read his other thread, it is much more involved than what you posted.

Look Z, keep talking and getting counseling. What you have to learn is, you control your own happiness. All the drugs in the world won't help if you do everything just to keep her around. You need to change because YOU don't like the anxiety and depression you feel. You can't tie your happiness to pleasing her. This is why people fail at many things, they do it strictly for others and lose themselves in the process.
That's why I'm doing the counseling and that stuff. I don't like thr way I feel now. It seems her and I are talking more now so that is helping as well. She said last night I am too clingy which I as I I am going to try and work on. I thought asking questions about her day and where she was going and stuff was just being caring.
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post #21 of 106 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 05:34 AM
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

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That's why I'm doing the counseling and that stuff. I don't like thr way I feel now. It seems her and I are talking more now so that is helping as well. She said last night I am too clingy which I as I I am going to try and work on. I thought asking questions about her day and where she was going and stuff was just being caring.
Depends on your motive. She can sense it.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #22 of 106 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 06:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

This weekend will be interesting. I let her do her thing today and only sent her a text when I had time to talk. If she didn't call, no loss on my end. It is sort of relaxing in a way not getting all worked up about where she is and stuff anymore. Hopefully I can continue this way...
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post #23 of 106 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 09:09 PM
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

You can by working on your own end. Also, just work on your issues. You can't get out of your dark thoughts if you let her negativity weigh you down. Your situations is completely different and it shouldn't matter to you what she can sense.. Calling someone clingy after being deprived of physical, sexual and emotional contact for years is disingenuous. Follow your counselors advice even if it means addressing "clingy" falls further down the list. The last thing you want to do is add more issues to fix because your list will never end. Deal with one or two issues at a time at your doctor's behest.
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post #24 of 106 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 09:22 PM
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

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This weekend will be interesting. I let her do her thing today and only sent her a text when I had time to talk. If she didn't call, no loss on my end. It is sort of relaxing in a way not getting all worked up about where she is and stuff anymore. Hopefully I can continue this way...
That's great! Everyday, do one thing...even if it's small...that takes you out of your comfort zone. I have been reading a book about that, and I've been following it too, and life is really beautiful when you don't live so guarded, and worried about things that likely will never happen. ((hug)) You can do this.
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post #25 of 106 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 11:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

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You can by working on your own end. Also, just work on your issues. You can't get out of your dark thoughts if you let her negativity weigh you down. Your situations is completely different and it shouldn't matter to you what she can sense.. Calling someone clingy after being deprived of physical, sexual and emotional contact for years is disingenuous. Follow your counselors advice even if it means addressing "clingy" falls further down the list. The last thing you want to do is add more issues to fix because your list will never end. Deal with one or two issues at a time at your doctor's behest.
I believe she is going to counseling with me Monday but not to the psychiatrist. I've wrote her a letter that I'm going to read to her on Monday. The counselor said she can be there for support but she is not to do anything but listen. I'm just still trying to wrap my head around her having no desire for intimacy at all. She says she is still in love with me though. I asked her about the kids and she said the sex had a purpose then.

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post #26 of 106 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 10:05 AM
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

Some just have very little (or no) desire for intimacy. Most of the time nothing changes that. It's who they are. Your thread in SIM was one of many such threads.

A few will make a sustained effort to overcome that disinterest (which may or may not succeed) but the truth is that most will remain the way they've always been. And if they aren't willing to make that effort then there are the usual two choices for the spouse who wants intimacy.

In a perfect world, "like" would marry "like" and everything would work out. In the real world, that's often not the case. Unfortunately.
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post #27 of 106 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 10:52 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

Well, first counseling session was a bust. I thought with all the stuff going on it would be a more positive experience. Just got told all of the things I need to work on instead. I didn't even get to read the letter I spent probably an hour and a half on. I'm tired of trying to express my feeligs. Just keeping them bottled up from now on. Into the trash it goes....
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post #28 of 106 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 01:41 PM
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

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This weekend will be interesting. I let her do her thing today and only sent her a text when I had time to talk. If she didn't call, no loss on my end. It is sort of relaxing in a way not getting all worked up about where she is and stuff anymore. Hopefully I can continue this way...
When you said that it was ďsort of relaxing,Ē this is exactly what many of us have been telling you. What happened was that you calmed down. When you are focused on someone or something that you have no control over and are wrapped up in wanting something that you have no way to get from her, you are not relaxed or at peace. What you did was you let go and you had peace.

This is what it means to relax and to calm down. It means to stop obsessing over things that you cannot control and to peacefully deal with your own responsibilities.

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Well, first counseling session was a bust. I thought with all the stuff going on it would be a more positive experience. Just got told all of the things I need to work on instead. I didn't even get to read the letter I spent probably an hour and a half on. I'm tired of trying to express my feeligs. Just keeping them bottled up from now on. Into the trash it goes....
You wanted to read her a letter because you donít feel heard and you think if she finally hears you she will make the necessary changes, because she says she loves you. I get that and know that you are in pain, but your conclusion is wrong. She has already heard you and she is not willing to make those changes.

If you had read her the letter you would feel even worse than you do now, because she would reject what you said. She would tell you that it was your fault and your problem in some way and turn it all back to you again. This is probably one of the reasons why you are struggling in general. Because you think she holds the key to your happiness and if only she understood that she would do what it takes to make you happy.

But that is a lie you are believing. The key to your happiness is not with your wife. It is with you. You hold the key to your happiness. That is why we keep telling you to stop trying to get your wife to do things and to focus on your own responsibilities only.
On the flip side, you can relax about trying to make your wife happy. It is not within your power to make her happy, so stop trying. Treat her with love, kindness, patience, and peace, but do not try to make her happy. You can do nice things for her when you want to, but only when you actually want to. And stop doing things for her that she ought to be doing for herself. Why on earth are you doing her laundry? Stop that. Do not do another load of her laundry. Just stop.

Yes, do the kidís laundry and your own laundry as you usually do, but when you are doing for her what she ought to be doing for herself, you are enabling her selfishness and fostering a codependent environment. Stop doing anything for her. If it is something that you or the kids also need, then itís not only for her. But if itís something that is specific to her, like her laundry, donít spend another minute on it. You handle your own responsibilities and she handles hers. Itís okay.

This doesnít mean you take an attitude about it. Not at all. This is not a punishment or trying to teach her a lesson. This is you handling your responsibilities and not doing for her what she ought to be doing for herself.

Your relationship is out of balance. Relax and focus on what youíre supposed to be doing. Stop focusing on what you think she should be doing. It will take pressure off both of you. Hopefully this will bring about some peace in your home and in your heart.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
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post #29 of 106 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 05:25 PM
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

Z, all of us can see that you have some issues that need to be addressed. Most of them center around codependency.

That said, I want to focus for just a moment on your wife. She has over $100,000 in student loans that she is just... Ignoring. Who does that? What does it say about her character? What does it say about her ability to deal with problems?

You trying to demand or exact change from your wife is trying to get blood from a turnip.

So, now you know she won't change. What are YOU going to do about it?

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley

Last edited by farsidejunky; 02-27-2017 at 05:34 PM.
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post #30 of 106 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 06:32 PM
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

Z,

There is a pretty noticeable difference between engagement that is outwardly focused, and engagement that is self focused.

For example:
Z2: I'm going out for a while
Z: Have a good time, drive safely

Vs
Z2: I'm going out for a while
Z: Where are you going?
Z2: To run some errands.
Z: When will you be back?

Same thing - if she gets home later than you expected. The comments below - create a high cling factor.

Where did you go? Or: You were gone a lot longer than I expected.


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Originally Posted by ZDog377 View Post
That's why I'm doing the counseling and that stuff. I don't like thr way I feel now. It seems her and I are talking more now so that is helping as well. She said last night I am too clingy which I as I I am going to try and work on. I thought asking questions about her day and where she was going and stuff was just being caring.
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