This weekend will be interesting. I let her do her thing today and only sent her a text when I had time to talk. If she didn't call, no loss on my end. It is sort of relaxing in a way not getting all worked up about where she is and stuff anymore. Hopefully I can continue this way...
When you said that it was “sort of relaxing,” this is exactly what many of us have been telling you. What happened was that you calmed down. When you are focused on someone or something that you have no control over and are wrapped up in wanting something that you have no way to get from her, you are not relaxed or at peace. What you did was you let go and you had peace.
This is what it means to relax and to calm down. It means to stop obsessing over things that you cannot control and to peacefully deal with your own responsibilities.
Well, first counseling session was a bust. I thought with all the stuff going on it would be a more positive experience. Just got told all of the things I need to work on instead. I didn't even get to read the letter I spent probably an hour and a half on. I'm tired of trying to express my feeligs. Just keeping them bottled up from now on. Into the trash it goes....
You wanted to read her a letter because you don’t feel heard and you think if she finally hears you she will make the necessary changes, because she says she loves you. I get that and know that you are in pain, but your conclusion is wrong. She has already heard you and she is not willing to make those changes.
If you had read her the letter you would feel even worse than you do now, because she would reject what you said. She would tell you that it was your fault and your problem in some way and turn it all back to you again. This is probably one of the reasons why you are struggling in general. Because you think she holds the key to your happiness and if only she understood that she would do what it takes to make you happy.
But that is a lie you are believing. The key to your happiness is not with your wife. It is with you. You hold the key to your happiness. That is why we keep telling you to stop trying to get your wife to do things and to focus on your own responsibilities only.
On the flip side, you can relax about trying to make your wife happy. It is not within your power to make her happy, so stop trying. Treat her with love, kindness, patience, and peace, but do not try to make her happy. You can do nice things for her when you want to, but only when you actually want to. And stop doing things for her that she ought to be doing for herself. Why on earth are you doing her laundry? Stop that. Do not do another load of her laundry. Just stop.
Yes, do the kid’s laundry and your own laundry as you usually do, but when you are doing for her what she ought to be doing for herself, you are enabling her selfishness and fostering a codependent environment. Stop doing anything for her. If it is something that you or the kids also need, then it’s not only for her. But if it’s something that is specific to her, like her laundry, don’t spend another minute on it. You handle your own responsibilities and she handles hers. It’s okay.
This doesn’t mean you take an attitude about it. Not at all. This is not a punishment or trying to teach her a lesson. This is you handling your responsibilities and not doing for her what she ought to be doing for herself.
Your relationship is out of balance. Relax and focus on what you’re supposed to be doing. Stop focusing on what you think she should be doing. It will take pressure off both of you. Hopefully this will bring about some peace in your home and in your heart.