I'm not happy with who I am anymore... - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Physical & Mental Health Issues Marriage and relationships are difficult by themselves, but coping with physical or mental health problems can make things even more difficult.

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post #31 of 63 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 06:58 PM
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

Z,

There is a pretty noticeable difference between engagement that is outwardly focused, and engagement that is self focused.

For example:
Z2: I'm going out for a while
Z: Have a good time, drive safely

Vs
Z2: I'm going out for a while
Z: Where are you going?
Z2: To run some errands?
Z: When will you be back?

Same thing - if she gets home later than you expected. The comments below - create a high cling factor.

Where did you go? Or: You were gone a lot longer than I expected.


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Originally Posted by ZDog377 View Post
That's why I'm doing the counseling and that stuff. I don't like thr way I feel now. It seems her and I are talking more now so that is helping as well. She said last night I am too clingy which I as I I am going to try and work on. I thought asking questions about her day and where she was going and stuff was just being caring.


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post #32 of 63 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 06:40 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

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Originally Posted by MEM2020 View Post
Z,

There is a pretty noticeable difference between engagement that is outwardly focused, and engagement that is self focused.

For example:
Z2: I'm going out for a while
Z: Have a good time, drive safely

Vs
Z2: I'm going out for a while
Z: Where are you going?
Z2: To run some errands?
Z: When will you be back?

Same thing - if she gets home later than you expected. The comments below - create a high cling factor.

Where did you go? Or: You were gone a lot longer than I expected.
@MEM2020...I realize now what I was doing. However, it used to be she gave those details out without me even asking. Now she's asking like they're classified material. Just like the other day, I asked her what her work schedule was for the week. Her response? What does it matter, it can change. I do know I definitely need to work on being clingy though.
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post #33 of 63 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 06:50 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

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When you said that it was ďsort of relaxing,Ē this is exactly what many of us have been telling you. What happened was that you calmed down. When you are focused on someone or something that you have no control over and are wrapped up in wanting something that you have no way to get from her, you are not relaxed or at peace. What you did was you let go and you had peace.

This is what it means to relax and to calm down. It means to stop obsessing over things that you cannot control and to peacefully deal with your own responsibilities.


You wanted to read her a letter because you donít feel heard and you think if she finally hears you she will make the necessary changes, because she says she loves you. I get that and know that you are in pain, but your conclusion is wrong. She has already heard you and she is not willing to make those changes.

If you had read her the letter you would feel even worse than you do now, because she would reject what you said. She would tell you that it was your fault and your problem in some way and turn it all back to you again. This is probably one of the reasons why you are struggling in general. Because you think she holds the key to your happiness and if only she understood that she would do what it takes to make you happy.

But that is a lie you are believing. The key to your happiness is not with your wife. It is with you. You hold the key to your happiness. That is why we keep telling you to stop trying to get your wife to do things and to focus on your own responsibilities only.
On the flip side, you can relax about trying to make your wife happy. It is not within your power to make her happy, so stop trying. Treat her with love, kindness, patience, and peace, but do not try to make her happy. You can do nice things for her when you want to, but only when you actually want to. And stop doing things for her that she ought to be doing for herself. Why on earth are you doing her laundry? Stop that. Do not do another load of her laundry. Just stop.

Yes, do the kidís laundry and your own laundry as you usually do, but when you are doing for her what she ought to be doing for herself, you are enabling her selfishness and fostering a codependent environment. Stop doing anything for her. If it is something that you or the kids also need, then itís not only for her. But if itís something that is specific to her, like her laundry, donít spend another minute on it. You handle your own responsibilities and she handles hers. Itís okay.

This doesnít mean you take an attitude about it. Not at all. This is not a punishment or trying to teach her a lesson. This is you handling your responsibilities and not doing for her what she ought to be doing for herself.

Your relationship is out of balance. Relax and focus on what youíre supposed to be doing. Stop focusing on what you think she should be doing. It will take pressure off both of you. Hopefully this will bring about some peace in your home and in your heart.
I don't feel the laundry deal is bad, all the clothes are sorted and I just put them in the washer/dryer and then she folds them when I bring the basket back upstairs. I do agree I need to calm down more, I'm out of town again this week so hopefully I can relax some more.
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post #34 of 63 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 11:46 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
Z, all of us can see that you have some issues that need to be addressed. Most of them center around codependency.

That said, I want to focus for just a moment on your wife. She has over $100,000 in student loans that she is just... Ignoring. Who does that? What does it say about her character? What does it say about her ability to deal with problems?

You trying to demand or exact change from your wife is trying to get blood from a turnip.

So, now you know she won't change. What are YOU going to do about it?
If talk matters into my own hands as far as debt goes. I've told her that just about the entire tax refund is going to pay off debt. I'm going to start on that tonight. I know that she's impulsive and that creates a lot of problems, at least financially.

Also, I'm the session on Monday morning the therapist told us we both have codependency issues that we need to work on. The afternoon session for my individual counseling was much better because I'm going to someone new who has a fresh view on things.
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post #35 of 63 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 12:26 PM
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

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Originally Posted by ZDog377 View Post
I don't feel the laundry deal is bad, all the clothes are sorted and I just put them in the washer/dryer and then she folds them when I bring the basket back upstairs. I do agree I need to calm down more, I'm out of town again this week so hopefully I can relax some more.
If it is a mutual chore and she is holding up her end, that's one thing, but if it's something you are doing for her that she ought to be doing for herself, that's another thing entirely. That was my point. Maybe the laundry is something that is an example of something that's working. How can this become the norm?

I'm glad you are in therapy and hope that it helps you to move forward into a more positive mindset. You have tremendous value to your family whether you can see that right now or not. I hope therapy helps you to recognize that.

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post #36 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 08:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

Here is the one thing that I've been struggling with for the past week or so. So I've given her "space" and let her do what she wants and wait for her to call me and that stuff that she says she needs. I've kept all my emotions about how I feel used and lied to all to myself. The hard part is, it's pushed me away even more. I'm expected to reciprocate when she wants to hug and kiss though, even though she's allowed to tell me she doesn't like it when I do it. We have sex, but it's so emotionless it's almost not worth it anymore.....
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post #37 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 08:25 PM
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

Compatibility, Z.

You are a zebra who thought he married another zebra. She has shown herself to be a horse, and you can't figure out why she doesn't have stripes.

You keep expecting high character from her. I don't know that she is capable.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #38 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 09:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

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Compatibility, Z.

You are a zebra who thought he married another zebra. She has shown herself to be a horse, and you can't figure out why she doesn't have stripes.

You keep expecting high character from her. I don't know that she is capable.
What do you mean by high character?
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post #39 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 10:00 PM
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

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What do you mean by high character?
Someone who demonstrates generosity, compassion, reciprocity, and shows care for others as well as herself.

Oh, and one who is not ignoring $150K in student loans.

Your wife is just fine when things are on her terms. Funny, that.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #40 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 12:02 PM
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
Someone who demonstrates generosity, compassion, reciprocity, and shows care for others as well as herself.

Oh, and one who is not ignoring $150K in student loans.

Your wife is just fine when things are on her terms. Funny, that.

Why would she want to change? She has gotten herself into a position where her life is very convenient. She knows if you leave her it will hurt you more than it will hurt her.

If you are going to stay in relationship with her, there are things you can do to make it more comfortable for you, but you are not going to get the love and respect that you want from her. She doesn't have it. You can't get from her what she doesn't have to give.

Maybe if you were to let go of the marriage and hope of a unified, loving relationship with your wife, but transition into more of a business relationship until you are ready to divorce, you can grieve what you have lost, begin to heal, find healthier ways of caring for yourself and your children, and moving forward to health without worrying about whether she is with you. You know she's not, so you can move forward without trying to drag along an unwilling participant.


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Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
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post #41 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 02:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

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Why would she want to change? She has gotten herself into a position where her life is very convenient. She knows if you leave her it will hurt you more than it will hurt her.

If you are going to stay in relationship with her, there are things you can do to make it more comfortable for you, but you are not going to get the love and respect that you want from her. She doesn't have it. You can't get from her what she doesn't have to give.

Maybe if you were to let go of the marriage and hope of a unified, loving relationship with your wife, but transition into more of a business relationship until you are ready to divorce, you can grieve what you have lost, begin to heal, find healthier ways of caring for yourself and your children, and moving forward to health without worrying about whether she is with you. You know she's not, so you can move forward without trying to drag along an unwilling participant.
It already feels like a business relationship. In exchange for services of x, I'll let you sleep in the same bed and have sex now and then. I asked some very pointed questions to her last night and got the responses I pretty much expected. This new counselor we are seeing on Saturday is pretty much my last ditch effort. We both agreed we weren't thrilled with the previous counselor.
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post #42 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 04:28 PM
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

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It already feels like a business relationship. In exchange for services of x, I'll let you sleep in the same bed and have sex now and then. I asked some very pointed questions to her last night and got the responses I pretty much expected. This new counselor we are seeing on Saturday is pretty much my last ditch effort. We both agreed we weren't thrilled with the previous counselor.
You know what? It's okay. It's okay that she is this way. Your life may feel like it revolves around her, but seriously, Dog, it does not. She is not your life and your breath. She is your wife, but she doesn't seem understand that the way you do. I seriously doubt this new counselor is going to help. If you two aren't on the same page as to what your goals are and what you want out of life and marriage, you will not be able to resolve these issues. You have different world views. Her world view has to do with expecting you to finance her life while she does whatever she damn well pleases. Unless she has a change of heart, that is who you are dealing with, counselor or no counselor.

And that is okay, because like I said, your world doesn't revolve around her. Detach and learn to live your life to the fullest.

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Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
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post #43 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 06:14 PM
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

Sorry for two posts in a row. I've been thinking about you and your situation.

I want to encourage you that you don't need your wife to comply with what you believe is right in order for you to be happy. You have everything you need to be happy without your wife's help. You have everything you need to be healthy without your wife's help.

You travel extensively. This should be a great help to you. Think about developing some hobbies that you can take with you or start reading the classics to expand your mind and your understanding.

Have you gotten into a workout routine? You should be able to join a health club, like Planet Fitness or LA Fitness or 24 Hour Fitness. Something that would be in most cities you visit. Or you can workout in the hotel. Most hotels these days have a reasonably appointed fitness room.

Start doing things to build yourself and to grow and prosper, not only financially, but in your soul. Feed your soul and your spirit with things that uplift and inspire you. You do not need your wife's cooperation for any of that, but it is a good way to get started in feeling like you can breath and move without your wife's cooperation. Use your time away to get some air and grow.

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Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
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post #44 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 10:19 PM
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

Z, I practice Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. Every decent sized city I travel to for work (say 50K and over) has a BJJ school. There are some schools, like the one in Chattanooga, that welcome me like family, right before they try to choke me out on the mat...

The point is that Cynthia is right. Find a hobby that travels well.

BTW, I am not an expert. I started approximately 1 year ago.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #45 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 09:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

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Originally Posted by CynthiaDe View Post
Sorry for two posts in a row. I've been thinking about you and your situation.

I want to encourage you that you don't need your wife to comply with what you believe is right in order for you to be happy. You have everything you need to be happy without your wife's help. You have everything you need to be healthy without your wife's help.

You travel extensively. This should be a great help to you. Think about developing some hobbies that you can take with you or start reading the classics to expand your mind and your understanding.

Have you gotten into a workout routine? You should be able to join a health club, like Planet Fitness or LA Fitness or 24 Hour Fitness. Something that would be in most cities you visit. Or you can workout in the hotel. Most hotels these days have a reasonably appointed fitness room.

Start doing things to build yourself and to grow and prosper, not only financially, but in your soul. Feed your soul and your spirit with things that uplift and inspire you. You do not need your wife's cooperation for any of that, but it is a good way to get started in feeling like you can breath and move without your wife's cooperation. Use your time away to get some air and grow.
I definitely like reading, I'm always picking books up from the library. I've been looking at some hobbies to start at home, at least that will get my mind off things. Like I said earlier, I'm starting to detach from wanting to spend time with her. I am starting to spend more time with the younger two and sometimes even the older one. I think I'm pretty much done with trying to figure things out, I'm just going to let whatever happens, happen. After seeing some things this evening, I've finally realized she doesn't have it in her to change...
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