I'm not happy with who I am anymore... - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Physical & Mental Health Issues Marriage and relationships are difficult by themselves, but coping with physical or mental health problems can make things even more difficult.

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post #46 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 10:33 PM
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

Z,

There are a short list of phrases we (me, Far, others have found useful - ESPECIALLY in conflict and/or counseling). But they ONLY WORK if you remain calm and in control of your own emotions:
1. I'm sorry you feel that way
2. I don't see it that way
3. I'm not ok with that

Two and three - may produce a challenge - which can be good.

For instance - the response to (2) might be: What do you mean?

My reaction is solely based on - M2's affect. If she has moved into an adversarial stance, which she rarely does anymore: I say. I am not willing to debate this - this isn't a contest to me. If you seek comprehension, I will speak, if instead you wish to compete, to win, I don't believe you will be able to hear me. And then I shut the heck up and wait until she decides what she's trying to achieve. Connection or conquest.

Watch what happens if she doubles down: Well if you refuse to explain yourself we aren't going to get anywhere. (Which is code for - I want to fight - so man the **** up and get in the ring).

And my response to that is: Let's revisit this when it feels like the focus is on comprehension, not conquest.

(3) Is easier. If asked: What does that mean? The answer is simple: That pattern is pushing me away.

Any resistance on this point - manipulation - pokes - insults is met with the following: For just a moment here, we are talking about me. About what matters to ME. I cannot stop you from doing X. Not even going to try. Just telling you that it is pushing me away. You don't get to decide now I 'should' react anymore than I get to do that in reverse.

-------------
Z - sometimes your biggest issue is a lack of planning - you need to create a plan for the session. A plan - a message.

Probably best to start with the truth - in summary: which is that the marriage is sick, and on a bad trajectory

Good counselor will ask why?

Your plan could have two parts but not three. Part one is what you believe your individual contribution to the bad state of the marriage is and what you plan to do about it. And part two could be what your combined dynamic is, how it isn't working.

I wouldn't suggest how to fix that at this stage. Just lay out what is broken between the two of you.

At this point, Z2 is going to be asked to contribute. No matter what she says - don't interrupt. Worst case - take notes and write down what you disagree with. Don't speak unless calm and if that means saying - I need a minute - don't hesitate to say so.

You definitely want to describe your financial dynamic as tense and toxic. You do NOT want to say that Z2 is bad with money and pretends she has no student debt.

You bring up the dynamic - let the counselor ask why - and then you ask Z2 to speak FIRST. DO not turn this into a point scoring activity or Z2 will hate you. She is already going to feel embarrassed.

You gotta be supportive emotionally while firm on the mechanics of dealing with it.

Example: It feels bad when we have debt I don't know about. It scares me, and that makes me angry. And it has eroded my trust in her. I wish I made more money, and that Z2 had taken on less student debt. But - for now - we have to deal with what we have.

Avoid: Harsh, disrespectful judgements like: Z2 has lied to me repeatedly about spending money and has selfishly blown off her creditors. I don't trust her any more.



Quote:
Originally Posted by ZDog377 View Post
I definitely like reading, I'm always picking books up from the library. I've been looking at some hobbies to start at home, at least that will get my mind off things. Like I said earlier, I'm starting to detach from wanting to spend time with her. I am starting to spend more time with the younger two and sometimes even the older one. I think I'm pretty much done with trying to figure things out, I'm just going to let whatever happens, happen. After seeing some things this evening, I've finally realized she doesn't have it in her to change...


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post #47 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 12:39 AM
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

Z,

I also love to read. A love of reading is a beautiful gift - even better when passed down to the next generation.

Connection is often a magical combination of deep comprehension coupled with support and love.

In therapy you might try something like this: We all struggle with desire, with impulse control - me with food, Z2 with money.

No one expects you to accept the bad behavior - thing is - she won't let you help her if it feel adversarial. And it is way less likely to feel adversarial if you demonstrate that you understand the underlying driver.



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I definitely like reading, I'm always picking books up from the library. I've been looking at some hobbies to start at home, at least that will get my mind off things. Like I said earlier, I'm starting to detach from wanting to spend time with her. I am starting to spend more time with the younger two and sometimes even the older one. I think I'm pretty much done with trying to figure things out, I'm just going to let whatever happens, happen. After seeing some things this evening, I've finally realized she doesn't have it in her to change...
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post #48 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 12:08 PM
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

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Originally Posted by ZDog377 View Post
I definitely like reading, I'm always picking books up from the library. I've been looking at some hobbies to start at home, at least that will get my mind off things. Like I said earlier, I'm starting to detach from wanting to spend time with her. I am starting to spend more time with the younger two and sometimes even the older one. I think I'm pretty much done with trying to figure things out, I'm just going to let whatever happens, happen. After seeing some things this evening, I've finally realized she doesn't have it in her to change...
You are beginning to look forward. That is excellent progress.

Even so, it's okay to grieve the loss of your marriage. It will help you move through it in a healthy way.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
The Feminine Review

Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
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post #49 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 10:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

Just a quick update from this weekend. First appointment with the new therapist went well. She was very open in explaining her background and as of right now I like her better over the other one. Since it was the initial assessment we both explained our sides of things and she (therapist) told us what we were to work on for the next visit. We are to create a list of things we would like to see change in the marriage and then separate it into categories of deal breaker/no deal breaker. Z2 and I had a heart to heart later that night and she said that she would go get her levels checked to see if they were the cause of her desire issue. Baby steps is all I keep reminding myself.....

I've also found some cheaper online courses online that I can take to learn some more things.....
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post #50 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 10:49 PM
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

What type of courses?

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #51 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 06:30 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

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What type of courses?
Courses in web design, business.....through udemy online.
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post #52 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 07:12 AM
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

If it pleases you and makes you a better Z, do it.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #53 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 07:44 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

So I finally had my appointment with the psychiatrist yesterday. After talking for a little bit, she feels I have a mild form of bipolar. They are going to try supplementing the medication I am on now with neurontin three times a day and she will see me again in a month. I do have at least one appointment with the personal counselor before then. I'm glad that I finally have some idea of what's going on but at the same time I'm a little nervous.

Z2 hasn't had much to say, she just wants to know what the prognosis is. We have our second appointment with the couples counselor tomorrow so we will see how that goes. Our biggest discussion lately has been the cruise that she wants to go ok with some of the money she gets from her aunt.
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post #54 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 07:51 AM
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

Ask her how much will be left after she pays the SL debt.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #55 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 08:14 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

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Ask her how much will be left after she pays the SL debt.
She is saying it's ok because her aunt told her she wanted her to use some of the money to go on a family vacation.

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post #56 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 08:55 AM
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

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You have different world views. Her world view has to do with expecting you to finance her life while she does whatever she damn well pleases.
That hit like a ton of bricks, The OP and I have the very same problem in that respect. There's not much that can be done when you have a wife like that. I've been trying to fix things but am now coming to the realization that it really can't be done. Some who has no empathy for you or for anyone else can't be helped. Her world is herself, nothing more.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #57 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 09:19 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

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That hit like a ton of bricks, The OP and I have the very same problem in that respect. There's not much that can be done when you have a wife like that. I've been trying to fix things but am now coming to the realization that it really can't be done. Some who has no empathy for you or for anyone else can't be helped. Her world is herself, nothing more.
I'll say her world is her and the kids. I'm very rarely if at all part of it.
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post #58 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 09:39 AM
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

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I'll say her world is her and the kids. I'm very rarely if at all part of it.
I know how you feel.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #59 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 10:14 AM
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

If she is already marginalizing you with the kids, may I ask what is the point of staying married? You can have a great relationship with your kids as a single father. You basically are that now.

It sounds to me like she has already divorced you in heart and mind. You are nothing more than a glorified babysitter to her. You are not part of her circle anymore.
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post #60 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 12:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

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If she is already marginalizing you with the kids, may I ask what is the point of staying married? You can have a great relationship with your kids as a single father. You basically are that now.

It sounds to me like she has already divorced you in heart and mind. You are nothing more than a glorified babysitter to her. You are not part of her circle anymore.
Honestly I don't know the answer to that. I'm trying to stay focused on making myself better right now and then I'll deal with her and I. I don't think a divorce would be the best mentally for me right now.
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