I'm not happy with who I am anymore... - Talk About Marriage
Physical & Mental Health Issues Marriage and relationships are difficult by themselves, but coping with physical or mental health problems can make things even more difficult.

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post #1 of 106 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 02:23 PM Thread Starter
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I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

So I started a thread in the Sex in Marriage forum but now I feel I need to change to the Mental Health forum.

My wife and I have had our normal issues, arguing about finances, kids, sex, etc. About a year or so ago, we had a huge blowup and she wanted to leave and I begged her not to and that we would work things out. We started going to couples counseling and we would take two steps forward and three back. We would find something that seemed to work and then life would come in and we would be off track again.

I then started to talk to my PCP and explained that I was having anxiety about what was going on at home because I never figure out how much wife was feeling and how sometimes I got that impression that she wouldn't be there when I got home. This then caused me to feel depressed. My doctor first put me on generic Lexapro and after having sexual issues with it switched me to Wellbutrin. That worked better than the Lexapro but I still had some sexual issues along with I didn't feel it was helping the anxiety. I mentioned this to them again and they suggested Venlafaxine and now the sexual issues are better for the most part. I do have an appointment next Monday with a psychiatrist to discuss where to go from here.

I've still been having the anxiety and depression with the medication and it got to the point Friday night where I felt like I wanted to end my life. I was talking to my wife Saturday night and mentioned this to her. She's been distant since then and I've tried explaining to her that it would be a huge help to hear that we will get through this together and that she will be there for me. He response was that she had to watch out for the safety of herself and the kids first. Sunday morning she told me that she didn't sleep much Saturday night because she was worried for herself.

Where do I go from here? I'm completely lost for the most part.....

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post #2 of 106 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 02:27 PM
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

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He response was that she had to watch out for the safety of herself and the kids first. Sunday morning she told me that she didn't sleep much Saturday night because she was worried for herself.
It became about her? Does she always lack empathy or is this new?

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post #3 of 106 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 02:57 PM
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

Your talk of suicide scared her. When you talk to your psychiatrist, ask him about individual counseling to help you with codependence on your wife. I do hope you find some help as it is obvious you are in much pain. I'm so sorry.
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post #4 of 106 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 03:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

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It became about her? Does she always lack empathy or is this new?
Yeah, it pretty much became about her. She finally let me hold her last night, but she slept in her side of the bed Saturday night. I feel her lack of empathy has gotten worse but maybe I'm just overanalyzing things.
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post #5 of 106 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 03:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

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Your talk of suicide scared her. When you talk to your psychiatrist, ask him about individual counseling to help you with codependence on your wife. I do hope you find some help as it is obvious you are in much pain. I'm so sorry.
I have been doing some individual counseling already with our couples counselor. I understand that she was scared, but it doesn't take much to try and comfort someone in this situation, let alone a spouse. Any time I've been around her and she's been hurt I've put my arms around her until she was done crying.
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post #6 of 106 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 04:32 PM
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I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

Try Zoloft for anxiety. Discuss that with your PCP tomorrow. Wellbutrin had strong side effects for me. It works with dopamine not serotonin. Zoloft is an SSRI. Works good for me.

Use a different therapist for your IC. Not same as the couples counseling.
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post #7 of 106 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 04:46 PM
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

How recently did you switch medications? Suicidal thoughts are a common side effect of these types of medications during the initial adjustment period.

Have you explicitly told her what you want or need from her? It can be difficult for the spouse of a depressed or anxious person to know what to do during a down period. Especially if you've previously been very stoic and never really needed a shoulder to lean on. Sometimes that comes out as awkwardness from the spouse or just a total lack of any action at all.

I know the first time I had a breakdown in front of my husband he didn't know what to do. I don't think he knew I had feelings. I certainly never showed them to anyone.

If you have told her what you want and she refuses to provide it, that is a different issue.
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post #8 of 106 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 06:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

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How recently did you switch medications? Suicidal thoughts are a common side effect of these types of medications during the initial adjustment period.

Have you explicitly told her what you want or need from her? It can be difficult for the spouse of a depressed or anxious person to know what to do during a down period. Especially if you've previously been very stoic and never really needed a shoulder to lean on. Sometimes that comes out as awkwardness from the spouse or just a total lack of any action at all.

I know the first time I had a breakdown in front of my husband he didn't know what to do. I don't think he knew I had feelings. I certainly never showed them to anyone.

If you have told her what you want and she refuses to provide it, that is a different issue.
I've been on this one for almost a month now. I have told her many times what I wanted both in the relationship and this past Saturday night when I told her about the suicidal thoughts. I've told her I constantly feel like just a room mate. I don't feel desired anymore. I'm the one managing all the bills and almost everything else in the house. I do all the laundry, she just has to fold it.

This past Saturday I did all the talking and she pretty much laid there. I told her that I don't feel like I got any support from her and all I wanted her to do was lay next to me and tell me that we would get through this together.
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post #9 of 106 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 03:48 AM
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

Z, she may not be able to meet your needs. I think both her words and actions are telling you this.

She told you a year and a half ago she wanted to leave? And you begged her not to?

Did you mention that in your original thread?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #10 of 106 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 05:33 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

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Z, she may not be able to meet your needs. I think both her words and actions are telling you this.

She told you a year and a half ago she wanted to leave? And you begged her not to?

Did you mention that in your original thread?
It was more of an argument back and forth. I told her to leave and she said fine. I then told her I was frustrated and really didn't mean it and really wanted her to stay.

She told me last night that she is going to individual counseling tonight because she realized she had some things to work on as well. She said it does other her that she has no desire for intimacy.

I'm considering writing her a letter just so I can get things out there.

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post #11 of 106 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 06:53 AM
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

Z, I am saying this gently.

Nothing has changed because you have changed nothing.

You keep going to her and telling her you want her to change, rather than bettering yourself and letting that influence her (or not).

If you want change, it starts with you.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #12 of 106 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 06:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

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Z, I am saying this gently.

Nothing has changed because you have changed nothing.

You keep going to her and telling her you want her to change, rather than bettering yourself and letting that influence her (or not).

If you want change, it starts with you.
I'm trying and I know it's not going to happen overnight. She's glad that I'm going to the doctors and hopefully getting on the right track. I think that's led her to go to counseling by herself tonight. I've started working on more things in the house and watching YouTube videos to learn.
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post #13 of 106 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 10:29 PM
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

What do you love about yourself, Z?

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #14 of 106 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 10:40 PM
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

Been there and done that. I am now on Xanax and Wellbutrin and all is great again. I no longer dwell on negative thoughts or worry about things that may remotely occur. I sleep like a baby and my wife loves the new me. I resisted taking antidepressants for a very long time. I also had PSTD and would attack my wife in the middle of the night or if she tried to wake me up. When I saw her hiding behind a pillow to wake me up for work it broke my heart. When I sat up during the night and woke up right before I punched her so that I moved my fist from her face to her forehead at the last moment, I knew I needed help. Getting my doctors involved was the best thing I did. This was very early in my marriage since I met my wife less than a year after coming back from Vietnam. Since then life and my marriage has been great. The only pain in the neck was finding an antidepressant that worked and which did not take away my sex life, a common side effed of AD drugs and why many stop taking them. Life without sex made me more depressed. The worst part was that you had to give each new drug at least 6 weeks before you could determine if they worked or not so it took me over a year to find what was not the best but good enough without interfering with my sex life. Do what you have to do because I went on to have a very successful career and a very happy 44+ year marriage.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #15 of 106 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 05:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm not happy with who I am anymore...

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What do you love about yourself, Z?
Physically - not much

Emotionally - I'm a hard worker, I like to make the people around me happy

Her visit to counseling last night seemed to be semi-productive. She was told that her reaction to my suicidal thoughts was justified. Also, she told my wife she needs to set boundaries. I'm going to have a session with the counselor on Monday as well.
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