So I started a thread in the Sex in Marriage forum but now I feel I need to change to the Mental Health forum.
My wife and I have had our normal issues, arguing about finances, kids, sex, etc. About a year or so ago, we had a huge blowup and she wanted to leave and I begged her not to and that we would work things out. We started going to couples counseling and we would take two steps forward and three back. We would find something that seemed to work and then life would come in and we would be off track again.
I then started to talk to my PCP and explained that I was having anxiety about what was going on at home because I never figure out how much wife was feeling and how sometimes I got that impression that she wouldn't be there when I got home. This then caused me to feel depressed. My doctor first put me on generic Lexapro and after having sexual issues with it switched me to Wellbutrin. That worked better than the Lexapro but I still had some sexual issues along with I didn't feel it was helping the anxiety. I mentioned this to them again and they suggested Venlafaxine and now the sexual issues are better for the most part. I do have an appointment next Monday with a psychiatrist to discuss where to go from here.
I've still been having the anxiety and depression with the medication and it got to the point Friday night where I felt like I wanted to end my life. I was talking to my wife Saturday night and mentioned this to her. She's been distant since then and I've tried explaining to her that it would be a huge help to hear that we will get through this together and that she will be there for me. He response was that she had to watch out for the safety of herself and the kids first. Sunday morning she told me that she didn't sleep much Saturday night because she was worried for herself.
Where do I go from here? I'm completely lost for the most part.....
He response was that she had to watch out for the safety of herself and the kids first. Sunday morning she told me that she didn't sleep much Saturday night because she was worried for herself.
Yeah, it pretty much became about her. She finally let me hold her last night, but she slept in her side of the bed Saturday night. I feel her lack of empathy has gotten worse but maybe I'm just overanalyzing things.
Your talk of suicide scared her. When you talk to your psychiatrist, ask him about individual counseling to help you with codependence on your wife. I do hope you find some help as it is obvious you are in much pain. I'm so sorry.
I have been doing some individual counseling already with our couples counselor. I understand that she was scared, but it doesn't take much to try and comfort someone in this situation, let alone a spouse. Any time I've been around her and she's been hurt I've put my arms around her until she was done crying.
Try Zoloft for anxiety. Discuss that with your PCP tomorrow. Wellbutrin had strong side effects for me. It works with dopamine not serotonin. Zoloft is an SSRI. Works good for me.
Use a different therapist for your IC. Not same as the couples counseling.
How recently did you switch medications? Suicidal thoughts are a common side effect of these types of medications during the initial adjustment period.
Have you explicitly told her what you want or need from her? It can be difficult for the spouse of a depressed or anxious person to know what to do during a down period. Especially if you've previously been very stoic and never really needed a shoulder to lean on. Sometimes that comes out as awkwardness from the spouse or just a total lack of any action at all.
I know the first time I had a breakdown in front of my husband he didn't know what to do. I don't think he knew I had feelings. I certainly never showed them to anyone.
If you have told her what you want and she refuses to provide it, that is a different issue.
I've been on this one for almost a month now. I have told her many times what I wanted both in the relationship and this past Saturday night when I told her about the suicidal thoughts. I've told her I constantly feel like just a room mate. I don't feel desired anymore. I'm the one managing all the bills and almost everything else in the house. I do all the laundry, she just has to fold it.
This past Saturday I did all the talking and she pretty much laid there. I told her that I don't feel like I got any support from her and all I wanted her to do was lay next to me and tell me that we would get through this together.
It was more of an argument back and forth. I told her to leave and she said fine. I then told her I was frustrated and really didn't mean it and really wanted her to stay.
She told me last night that she is going to individual counseling tonight because she realized she had some things to work on as well. She said it does other her that she has no desire for intimacy.
I'm considering writing her a letter just so I can get things out there.
I'm trying and I know it's not going to happen overnight. She's glad that I'm going to the doctors and hopefully getting on the right track. I think that's led her to go to counseling by herself tonight. I've started working on more things in the house and watching YouTube videos to learn.
Emotionally - I'm a hard worker, I like to make the people around me happy
Her visit to counseling last night seemed to be semi-productive. She was told that her reaction to my suicidal thoughts was justified. Also, she told my wife she needs to set boundaries. I'm going to have a session with the counselor on Monday as well.
Been there and done that. I am now on Xanax and Wellbutrin and all is great again. I no longer dwell on negative thoughts or worry about things that may remotely occur. I sleep like a baby and my wife loves the new me. I resisted taking antidepressants for a very long time. I also had PSTD and would attack my wife in the middle of the night or if she tried to wake me up. When I saw her hiding behind a pillow to wake me up for work it broke my heart. When I sat up during the night and woke up right before I punched her so that I moved my fist from her face to her forehead at the last moment, I knew I needed help. Getting my doctors involved was the best thing I did. This was very early in my marriage since I met my wife less than a year after coming back from Vietnam. Since then life and my marriage has been great. The only pain in the neck was finding an antidepressant that worked and which did not take away my sex life, a common side effed of AD drugs and why many stop taking them. Life without sex made me more depressed. The worst part was that you had to give each new drug at least 6 weeks before you could determine if they worked or not so it took me over a year to find what was not the best but good enough without interfering with my sex life. Do what you have to do because I went on to have a very successful career and a very happy 44+ year marriage.
This weekend will be interesting. I let her do her thing today and only sent her a text when I had time to talk. If she didn't call, no loss on my end. It is sort of relaxing in a way not getting all worked up about where she is and stuff anymore. Hopefully I can continue this way...
That's great! Everyday, do one thing...even if it's small...that takes you out of your comfort zone. I have been reading a book about that, and I've been following it too, and life is really beautiful when you don't live so guarded, and worried about things that likely will never happen. ((hug)) You can do this.
You can by working on your own end. Also, just work on your issues. You can't get out of your dark thoughts if you let her negativity weigh you down. Your situations is completely different and it shouldn't matter to you what she can sense.. Calling someone clingy after being deprived of physical, sexual and emotional contact for years is disingenuous. Follow your counselors advice even if it means addressing "clingy" falls further down the list. The last thing you want to do is add more issues to fix because your list will never end. Deal with one or two issues at a time at your doctor's behest.
I believe she is going to counseling with me Monday but not to the psychiatrist. I've wrote her a letter that I'm going to read to her on Monday. The counselor said she can be there for support but she is not to do anything but listen. I'm just still trying to wrap my head around her having no desire for intimacy at all. She says she is still in love with me though. I asked her about the kids and she said the sex had a purpose then.
Some just have very little (or no) desire for intimacy. Most of the time nothing changes that. It's who they are. Your thread in SIM was one of many such threads.
A few will make a sustained effort to overcome that disinterest (which may or may not succeed) but the truth is that most will remain the way they've always been. And if they aren't willing to make that effort then there are the usual two choices for the spouse who wants intimacy.
In a perfect world, "like" would marry "like" and everything would work out. In the real world, that's often not the case. Unfortunately.
Well, first counseling session was a bust. I thought with all the stuff going on it would be a more positive experience. Just got told all of the things I need to work on instead. I didn't even get to read the letter I spent probably an hour and a half on. I'm tired of trying to express my feeligs. Just keeping them bottled up from now on. Into the trash it goes....
Z, all of us can see that you have some issues that need to be addressed. Most of them center around codependency.
That said, I want to focus for just a moment on your wife. She has over $100,000 in student loans that she is just... Ignoring. Who does that? What does it say about her character? What does it say about her ability to deal with problems?
You trying to demand or exact change from your wife is trying to get blood from a turnip.
So, now you know she won't change. What are YOU going to do about it?
If talk matters into my own hands as far as debt goes. I've told her that just about the entire tax refund is going to pay off debt. I'm going to start on that tonight. I know that she's impulsive and that creates a lot of problems, at least financially.
Also, I'm the session on Monday morning the therapist told us we both have codependency issues that we need to work on. The afternoon session for my individual counseling was much better because I'm going to someone new who has a fresh view on things.
Here is the one thing that I've been struggling with for the past week or so. So I've given her "space" and let her do what she wants and wait for her to call me and that stuff that she says she needs. I've kept all my emotions about how I feel used and lied to all to myself. The hard part is, it's pushed me away even more. I'm expected to reciprocate when she wants to hug and kiss though, even though she's allowed to tell me she doesn't like it when I do it. We have sex, but it's so emotionless it's almost not worth it anymore.....
Sorry for two posts in a row. I've been thinking about you and your situation.
I want to encourage you that you don't need your wife to comply with what you believe is right in order for you to be happy. You have everything you need to be happy without your wife's help. You have everything you need to be healthy without your wife's help.
You travel extensively. This should be a great help to you. Think about developing some hobbies that you can take with you or start reading the classics to expand your mind and your understanding.
Have you gotten into a workout routine? You should be able to join a health club, like Planet Fitness or LA Fitness or 24 Hour Fitness. Something that would be in most cities you visit. Or you can workout in the hotel. Most hotels these days have a reasonably appointed fitness room.
Start doing things to build yourself and to grow and prosper, not only financially, but in your soul. Feed your soul and your spirit with things that uplift and inspire you. You do not need your wife's cooperation for any of that, but it is a good way to get started in feeling like you can breath and move without your wife's cooperation. Use your time away to get some air and grow.
I definitely like reading, I'm always picking books up from the library. I've been looking at some hobbies to start at home, at least that will get my mind off things. Like I said earlier, I'm starting to detach from wanting to spend time with her. I am starting to spend more time with the younger two and sometimes even the older one. I think I'm pretty much done with trying to figure things out, I'm just going to let whatever happens, happen. After seeing some things this evening, I've finally realized she doesn't have it in her to change...
Z, I practice Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. Every decent sized city I travel to for work (say 50K and over) has a BJJ school. There are some schools, like the one in Chattanooga, that welcome me like family, right before they try to choke me out on the mat...
The point is that Cynthia is right. Find a hobby that travels well.
BTW, I am not an expert. I started approximately 1 year ago.
Just a quick update from this weekend. First appointment with the new therapist went well. She was very open in explaining her background and as of right now I like her better over the other one. Since it was the initial assessment we both explained our sides of things and she (therapist) told us what we were to work on for the next visit. We are to create a list of things we would like to see change in the marriage and then separate it into categories of deal breaker/no deal breaker. Z2 and I had a heart to heart later that night and she said that she would go get her levels checked to see if they were the cause of her desire issue. Baby steps is all I keep reminding myself.....
I've also found some cheaper online courses online that I can take to learn some more things.....
So I finally had my appointment with the psychiatrist yesterday. After talking for a little bit, she feels I have a mild form of bipolar. They are going to try supplementing the medication I am on now with neurontin three times a day and she will see me again in a month. I do have at least one appointment with the personal counselor before then. I'm glad that I finally have some idea of what's going on but at the same time I'm a little nervous.
Z2 hasn't had much to say, she just wants to know what the prognosis is. We have our second appointment with the couples counselor tomorrow so we will see how that goes. Our biggest discussion lately has been the cruise that she wants to go ok with some of the money she gets from her aunt.
If she is already marginalizing you with the kids, may I ask what is the point of staying married? You can have a great relationship with your kids as a single father. You basically are that now.
It sounds to me like she has already divorced you in heart and mind. You are nothing more than a glorified babysitter to her. You are not part of her circle anymore.
Honestly I don't know the answer to that. I'm trying to stay focused on making myself better right now and then I'll deal with her and I. I don't think a divorce would be the best mentally for me right now.
It's excellent news that you're in therapy and s/he is helping you bring some of these issues into focus.
Therapy was a profoundly helpful experience for me. Although I no longer see her I continue to reap its benefits today.
Good luck.
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Related Threads
?
?
?
?
?
Talk About Marriage
4.9M posts
105.3K members
Since 2007
A forum community dedicated to married life between you and your spouse. Come join the discussion about love, romance, health, behavior, conflict resolution, care, and more!