amyrae

'm new to this website. I've recently gotten to the point beyond exasperation and began looking for some kind of HELP out here on the internet. Today, January 18, 2012, my husband and I *celebrate* our 20th Anniversary. I'm NOT all smiles and happy. For 20 years, my husband has treated my like a cheating, lying, untrustworthy *****, as that is what his ex-wife was/is. I was an innocent until we were married 15 years, at which point...I had a mental nervous/breakdown due to his continual DAILY abuse. I snapped. Became extremely manic. I'd been treated for severe depression for many years, but nothing "bi-polar" related was ever mentioned. This time...my breakdown had all the signs and red flags...here I've been manic-depressive all my life! It didn't cause many problems...unless I was under unusual stress. My husband's behavior, his treatment and attitude towards me...goes BEYOND "unusual stress". I left him for 6 months...manic throughout the majority. I almost destroyed myself, permanently. I did finally return to my abuser after much begging, bogus promises and getting tired of being stalked by him. I had no choice. No money, no friends [he made SURE of that by not allowing me to go anywhere or talk to anyone] and even my family was estranged because of my husbands controlling behavior. I was utterly alone...and unwanted. After returning to him, things were better...for awhile. But...as the years went on...he has gradually reverted RIGHT BACK to the way he was, except for one thing...he doesn't *hit* me with his hands anymore. But he does *hit* me all the time with verbal insinuations, insults, criticisms, sarcasm, etc.etc.etc. It never ends. My rule of thumb is that..."If you can't say anything nice...don't say anything at all." Well...my husband's is the OPPOSITE when it comes to me.

Today is our 20th Anniversary. I have been thru a refining process lately that has spurred me back into writing my poems and stories about my dilemma. I love to share the sentiments that I've written...I already have a list of *fans*, who say that what I write NEEDS to be heard. My writing has helped me cope.

Today...being our 20th Anniversary...I approached my husband and wrapped my arms around his neck hugging him. He looked at me with that dumb-blank look. "Happy Anniversary Honey." I said. His eyes got real big...he took a deep breath..."oh, that's today, huh?"

Not to worry tho, I didn't expect anything more than that.