07-06-2012, 03:29 AM
Join Date: Jul 2012
| | Re: Depressed being married to a Japanese man
I am very sorry to hear this. Make sure you talk to someone, it is not healthy for you to feel isolated and undervalued.
I married a Japanese man, I am Australian. I am in a different situation as my husband speaks English. My Japanese is getting better but by no means is it at a level we can communicate well.I cant talk to my in laws which i fear in the future will cause problems.
We live in Japan now. On many occasions i have discussed 'the Japanese man' and relationships with my husband. He is by no means typical, and has lived in my culture for many years, but he is deeply involved with the traditional aspects of his culture. He tells me that Japanese men feel a lot of pressure when home. society dictates that he must step up to 'the boys club' (for lack of a better description). For example: My husband doesn't drink so he feels SO much pressure to socialize after work. His boss lies constantly to his wife. He tells my husband not to tell me. Expects my husband to be more involved with his life than our life. I understand his predicament. He tells me most things and we laugh. Somethings i dont want or need to know.
I think it is despicable to lie to a spouse, small lies are stupid and large lies are like cancer. Anyway my husband told me before we came here that it is a different world - i.e. the concept of on. I think they think a lot of men lie by omission and think its ok. I was very clear to my man that this will not fly.
Without going on and on, my advice is find some friends who understand your feelings from a Western perspective and also make friends with Japanese women to learn how to handle situations. For example a good friend of mine here is Japanese and she is with an American man. she asks me LOADS of advice because she has similar feelings but reversed. We talk together - it helps.
KEEP YOUR IDENTITY, if this is not accepted explain that you are trying to fit in and you expect nothing less than your husband respecting your roots, your interests and YOUR FEELINGS. (I'm sure you have).
Some Japanese men love western women's powerful forthright nature but they really struggle with confrontation, especially if other people are privy to it. I have been so pissed off many times and created a drama in public - my husband has walked away, i felt like my feelings were disregarded, when we spoke after we got home cooled down he said he was embarrassed; Japanese culture dictates that you try your best never to make others feel uncomfy. this sometimes infuriates me but now i say OK ill stop but as soon as we get home we are talking. He agrees and this works for us.
Cross cultural union is hard but rewarding. I really hope you feel better. Bottom line if you are really sad you only have one life..leave. I know it isnt that easy, but you deserve to be happy.