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Diane S 01-22-2012 05:29 AM

Still fed up 3 months after break up

I ended a long term relationship of 3 years about 3 months ago. I had many good reasons to end it and I know in my head that it was the right decision. My ex didn't take it well and bombarded me with phone calls, texts and emails on a daily basis, begging me to take him back. I wrote a long email to him and explained everything to him but the contact didn't stop and I was advised to change all my contact details.

Three months on and he still writes to my home address asking for another chance (we had split a few times and this time was final). I haven't responded to him at all but I cannot stop thinking about him. I go to bed thinking of him and I wake up thinking of him, I had a dream about him last night and woke up this morning almost with the intent to call him! I feel that I cannot move on and the emotions are overwhelming because I just know I did the right thing.

Yesterday I stayed home all day and cried. I keep telling myself to snap out of it and get on with my life without him but I just can't. I feel pathetic as I am 40 year old woman with 3 lovely kids (all teenagers) and good friends around me but I feel so alone and sad. I just dont know what to do. I tell myself 'this week I will go and exercise, I will get out of the house' but other than going to work, I end up sat at home thinking about him. My friend saw him with another woman at a bar (he didn't see her) and when she told me I felt sick because he still writes to me about twice a week, begging for us to get back together. I do not understand my feelings. I didn't feel like this when I got divorced from my ex husband. Hope someone can comment or advise. can't stand this feeling.

Unhappy2011 01-23-2012 01:06 AM

Re: Still fed up 3 months after break up
Why did you break up with him?

Diane S 01-23-2012 01:43 AM

Re: Still fed up 3 months after break up
Many different reasons. We broke up 6 months into the relationship at first because he started showing signs of a violent personality, not so much towards me but other people. It was mostly verbal aggression but then he started directing towards me, especially when he had been drinking alcohol. It wasn't frequent but it disturbed me so I ended things. He did what he is doing now, bombarded me with textx, calls begging me to take him back and the first time around, I did take him back.

He calmed down for a while but then a few months later, it started again. I also started to notice little signs of control like him stopping me going to conferences with work if a male colleague was involved, name-calling my friends for no good reason and the final straw came when he started putting my kids down. He was very very opinionated and said things even if he knew it would upset people. It got very stressful and after much thought I ended it...again. I really do think that if I had let him move in, which he also began to pressurise me about, things would have got worse and possibly abusive. At the beginning of the relationship, he even told me that he had been convicted of assaulting his ex-girlfriend.

I probably should have never got involved again after the first break up but everyone deserves a second chance. Should also add that I feel llike I have kind of been holding out for so long, waiting for a change but then we went on holiday in September and even in the lovely sun and on beautiful sandy beaches, things were no different. I wanted to relax and he couldn't so we ended up doing activities almost everyday; the things he wanted to do.

EleGirl 01-23-2012 01:52 AM

Re: Still fed up 3 months after break up
15 Attachment(s)
There was good reason to leave him. There is still good reason to not go back to him.

It will take time to get over this... maybe a year or so. Do not read his letters. If someone else gets the mail have them put the letters somewhere so you do not see them.

ishe? 01-24-2012 05:05 PM

Re: Still fed up 3 months after break up
You saw red flags of abuse and got out! Well done, I can tell your a strong woman. Like the other reply said don't open his mail just bin it as soon as it comes in.

Have you thought about telling the police, they won't do anything of course but if things escalate its on file that it has been going on.

You already know the things you can do to make yourself feel better, get out of the house, exercise, do things you enjoy.

Write a list of all the reasons you left him and read it every time you feel like you miss him

Carry on being strong, you know you are doing he right thing!
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eyewonder 01-24-2012 09:43 PM

Re: Still fed up 3 months after break up
It is scary to be in a relationship where is one is the recipient of aggression. This is a strong ground for separating from your ex. Although it might hurt knowing that you love him, you made the right decision.
Getting over someone
is not easy but you have to move on by doing things that you like best.

sisters359 01-24-2012 10:46 PM

Re: Still fed up 3 months after break up
Get some counseling, because clearly you are in love with someone who is horrible to you--and that means you must not feel really good about yourself. Were you alone a while after divorce? If not--or even if you were--take a couple of years to get counseling and learn to be on your own, so that you won't pick the wrong sort of guy next time around. Remember that you want someone who will cherish you--and who you want to cherish. Anything less, and you will prefer to be alone--esp. with 3 great kids who will always be there for you and who will give you grand kids someday (maybe).

Remember that any relationship that is work in the first year isn't much of a relationship--that should still be the honeymoon period, so to speak. And if things change a LOT after that, well, then, one or both of you were just being on your best behavior to hook a partner (any partner) and the "true" person has come out now that they feel safe. It's at that point that you leave--if someone doesn't love you enough to cherish you, even when times are tough, then they don't really love you, they love being in a relationship. It is definitely not the same thing!

Good luck, and let us know how it goes.

Diane S 01-25-2012 02:31 AM

Re: Still fed up 3 months after break up
Thank you for the replies. I have been feeling a little better and realise that I do need to be on my own for some time. I think hearing that he had moved on so quickly to someone else made me feel pretty rubbish, that his feelings for me didn't run as deep as I thought. When I thought about it, I do actually believe that he loved being in a relationship and didn't truly, deeply love me. He wouldn't have been so awful otherwise and his true colours really were beginning to show. Things would have got much worse - I know that for sure. Many thanks.

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