I ended a long term relationship of 3 years about 3 months ago. I had many good reasons to end it and I know in my head that it was the right decision. My ex didn't take it well and bombarded me with phone calls, texts and emails on a daily basis, begging me to take him back. I wrote a long email to him and explained everything to him but the contact didn't stop and I was advised to change all my contact details.
Three months on and he still writes to my home address asking for another chance (we had split a few times and this time was final). I haven't responded to him at all but I cannot stop thinking about him. I go to bed thinking of him and I wake up thinking of him, I had a dream about him last night and woke up this morning almost with the intent to call him! I feel that I cannot move on and the emotions are overwhelming because I just know I did the right thing.
Yesterday I stayed home all day and cried. I keep telling myself to snap out of it and get on with my life without him but I just can't. I feel pathetic as I am 40 year old woman with 3 lovely kids (all teenagers) and good friends around me but I feel so alone and sad. I just dont know what to do. I tell myself 'this week I will go and exercise, I will get out of the house' but other than going to work, I end up sat at home thinking about him. My friend saw him with another woman at a bar (he didn't see her) and when she told me I felt sick because he still writes to me about twice a week, begging for us to get back together. I do not understand my feelings. I didn't feel like this when I got divorced from my ex husband. Hope someone can comment or advise. can't stand this feeling.
Many different reasons. We broke up 6 months into the relationship at first because he started showing signs of a violent personality, not so much towards me but other people. It was mostly verbal aggression but then he started directing towards me, especially when he had been drinking alcohol. It wasn't frequent but it disturbed me so I ended things. He did what he is doing now, bombarded me with textx, calls begging me to take him back and the first time around, I did take him back.
He calmed down for a while but then a few months later, it started again. I also started to notice little signs of control like him stopping me going to conferences with work if a male colleague was involved, name-calling my friends for no good reason and the final straw came when he started putting my kids down. He was very very opinionated and said things even if he knew it would upset people. It got very stressful and after much thought I ended it...again. I really do think that if I had let him move in, which he also began to pressurise me about, things would have got worse and possibly abusive. At the beginning of the relationship, he even told me that he had been convicted of assaulting his ex-girlfriend.
I probably should have never got involved again after the first break up but everyone deserves a second chance. Should also add that I feel llike I have kind of been holding out for so long, waiting for a change but then we went on holiday in September and even in the lovely sun and on beautiful sandy beaches, things were no different. I wanted to relax and he couldn't so we ended up doing activities almost everyday; the things he wanted to do.
It is scary to be in a relationship where is one is the recipient of aggression. This is a strong ground for separating from your ex. Although it might hurt knowing that you love him, you made the right decision.
Getting over someone is not easy but you have to move on by doing things that you like best.
Get some counseling, because clearly you are in love with someone who is horrible to you--and that means you must not feel really good about yourself. Were you alone a while after divorce? If not--or even if you were--take a couple of years to get counseling and learn to be on your own, so that you won't pick the wrong sort of guy next time around. Remember that you want someone who will cherish you--and who you want to cherish. Anything less, and you will prefer to be alone--esp. with 3 great kids who will always be there for you and who will give you grand kids someday (maybe).
Remember that any relationship that is work in the first year isn't much of a relationship--that should still be the honeymoon period, so to speak. And if things change a LOT after that, well, then, one or both of you were just being on your best behavior to hook a partner (any partner) and the "true" person has come out now that they feel safe. It's at that point that you leave--if someone doesn't love you enough to cherish you, even when times are tough, then they don't really love you, they love being in a relationship. It is definitely not the same thing!
Thank you for the replies. I have been feeling a little better and realise that I do need to be on my own for some time. I think hearing that he had moved on so quickly to someone else made me feel pretty rubbish, that his feelings for me didn't run as deep as I thought. When I thought about it, I do actually believe that he loved being in a relationship and didn't truly, deeply love me. He wouldn't have been so awful otherwise and his true colours really were beginning to show. Things would have got much worse - I know that for sure. Many thanks.