Shinobi

I have been browsing the web for all sorts and this seemed a friendly helpful place to be with all manner of good topics, so thought to join in and post up, I am sorry it is so long, but hope you don’t mind.

My wife was diagnosed with severe depression last summer, for the second time in her life, the previous being about 15 years ago, anyway she attended counselling until the end of last year, but that apparently was no longer needed.

Recently things have come to a head whereby I feel I can do nothing right. Our sex life has been virtually non existent which is a world away from when we met. I try talking to her in general but often feel is if I am boring her or I am dull and so remain quiet, whereas she will laugh and joke consistently with others.

Recently talking about sex apparently I should make the moves and such like, because as she said she can always so no (although having been rejected many a time and her not making any moves I feel quite dejected about it all). As I can’t give any reason as to why I don't constantly other than the impression that I don't think she is up for it, she figures there is more wrong.

Then last week she was ill and being conscious of this felt best to try and comfort her instead of pressuring for sex. That was wrong, apparently it is me with some kind of problem, she could always say no and lets face it years ago I did not think on her well being before attempting things, I say things are so very different now as I care and love her now and concern over her well being, but she says that I never used to so why now?

So I was in the wrong for not talking about issues to begin with, I was in the wrong when I did talk about it as it was all about me and my wants. I was in the wrong for not attempting sex because I was concerned for her health, and so further argument went on and she has said she was nothing, no contact, sex or otherwise for a while so that I can live in her world a little and see what it feels like to be picked up and dropped off constantly.

Thing is I am sure I am my own enemy, there is nothing I do not do for her, I persistently tell her how good she looks, which generally is answered with scorn, I give her massages, do her nails, her feet, her eyebrows, wash her hair, anything and almost something daily. I fetch her things, wont let her carry anything if I am around, I work to provide and try to give her everything that is asked, suggested or otherwise and treat her whenever I can. She will speak about “useless men” how crap they are at things, how she would never marry again, is not the marrying type, how if I have complained about something she will say if you don’t like it off you go.

Thing is I can’t argue, I’m useless at it, and always back down even if I was right to save argument, but then if I did brave an argument to point the truth I would also then end up with facing facts, generally based upon every minor thing I have ever done wrong and I will end up apologising and trying to make amends. Thing is she can always make a valid factual point to highlight my errors, and does not forget anything and will suggest things I have done years ago is the current reason, as if I did something wrong then I could do it again, despite having never done it since, or again, once in the wrong always in the wrong. Whereas me, well live and let live, enjoy the now as the then is the past and people move on and change, so I can not remember a single time when she was wrong or did something bad to me, selective memory perhaps, I don’t know but I am at my wits end.

I feel that the depression may still be there and it is taken out on me, but I just don’t know as she says she is no longer depressed and its all me and my failings, which I then believe. She knows I will never walk away no matter what. I love her to bits, want her in every sense, support her and love her, and she has been and at times is the most loving person I have known, but I desperately miss physical contact and affection, and wish we could be like we were pre-marriage, so really asking for any thoughts, suggestions or anything.

Thanks