amIalone

My wife and I have been married for a little over 3 years now. I have always and still do feel that she is the one that god wants me to be with. We have faced so many trials in our time together, and it seems like a fight every day. We lost our daughter at 6 months in January of 2010 to SIDS. We were in Germany (because she is military) and things have not been the same since. We moved to another area where she was restationed at, and are still here to this day. Last summer I found out that she cheated on me, but she cut contact and admitted she made a mistake. I thought things were getting better.

Recently I started noticing that something was still bothering her. I asked and she said she hasn't been happy for a while. She is telling me that she wants to get a place, and date each other, because she needs space. She says she doesn't want to date other people. She says there isn't another person. I believe this, and I want her to be happy. She has had medical issues for quite some time, ever since the pregnancy. She has been to the doctor at least once a month due to abdomen pain. She had a cyst on her ovaries that broke, and she has still been having abdomen problems. They can't tell her what it is.

Being a soldier I know that she is destined to live a stressed and busy life. I want to be supportive of this. I want to help, to be a husband. She is a very closed person though, and doesn't express feelings well. I have my share of flaws too. I feel I have been an idiot for many years, and overlooked myself to point out what she could do better. I am asking the lord to help me change this. I start counseling this week, to make myself a better person and let go of the past.

She gave me a book, called "The love dare" which I won't go into depth about, but feel free to look it up. It gives you 40 day to day challenges that remind you of what love, and marriage is about. I am on day 7. I have learned so much about myself in the last week that I feel I have been an idiot for 3 years. I am going to a councilor starting this week, and asking god for his guidance. I want to repent for my ignorance.

She has been looking at places for about a week, but I'm not sure what to do. She told me Saturday that she isn't really "feeling" the whole roommate thing by moving in somewhere else. Then she started talking about getting a new computer desk for our home. Not much after, I noticed her looking at places again. She has been spontaneous and erratic at times, but this confused me. Talking about new things for our home, and then still looking? She asked me what was wrong, and I told her that many times there are multiple solutions to one problem, you just have to find the best, and I didn't think this was the best. She said, "fine, I won't look anymore." She said this seeming a little agitated.

She had told me that she needs space, to let go of some of the anger she has towards me, and that was why she wanted to. I'm not sure if that's everything, but I choose to believe her. I want to add that neither of us have gone to talk to anyone about losing our daughter. Her unit made her go a few times, but then left it in her hands. She was forced to go to a therapist when she was young and now despises them, so she quit after the 2 or 3 sessions they made her attend in 2010. Any attempt to even recommend us going to a therapist is shot down immediately by her. I am changing as a man, this book, whether she or the lord wanted me to find knowledge in it, is making me look at my world and my actions in a different way. I just would like her to be there to see the difference.

I believe it's hard seeing a friend go through tough times and not being able to help them. Nor for a loved one, as my situation is. I don't want to be pushy, and I'm not sure what to do. I want her happy, and it honestly means so much to me. I've just had a skewed view on things for a while, like there was dirt in my eyes. I am washing it out now. Any recommendations or advice anyone could offer? Military life is crazy, but I accepted it as a husband. I love this girl, and although I know that she could find love in another, I don't believe they could love her like I could, or want to. I have so much intent in my heart, and I am becoming a better person.

Love, faith, and hope are in my heart. What can I do?

amIalone

I want to add too that I know I am not the only one who needs to work on things, but I cannot ask her to change, she has to do that for herself. I am now admitting what I have been doing wrong and not telling her what she needs to do.

Mavash.

You can't make someone seek help and sometimes the only thing you can do is let them go. The fact that she says she's angry towards you says a lot. No this isn't your fault but she is blaming it on you.

As much as I love the book the Love Dare your problems go way deeper than that. She needs professional help but if she won't go there isn't much you can do.

I wish you well but whatever you do don't take ownership of her problems because this isn't about you.

amIalone

I understand this. She is telling me that she wants to work things out, but that she needs space and me trying to get her to stay isn't gonna do anything but push her away. I wish she would talk to someone but like I stated earlier she hates therapists. I would go to her military unit because I know we need help but I think that would just push her away more. So I feel like I'm being told "what" is going to happen instead of her coming to a compromise with me. This is so tough, I feel my head is spinning at times.