endlessgrief

For years my husband has been clinically depressed, on all kinds of meds, nothing works, blah blah. For the past five years I have had jobs, friends, didn't drink, worked out, etc. while he laid in bed all day in a dark room watching courtroom shows. It used to drive me crazy. He was not keeping up his appearance and his weight ballooned about 80 pounds. He has kinda long hair and on the back of his head, there is a bald spot from where his head always rests on the pillow. There is actual stubble there like the hair was rubbed off.

He is very stubborn and private so therapy was a no go. Stop drinking? Are you kidding? He would rather die. I felt ignored and unwanted living in the same house with a depressed person who cloaked the whole house in a gray fog.

Then I lost my job. Now we were both home all day. No job prospects for me and he owns his own business and business is bad. As his weight blew up, he started to snore so I moved into the spare bedroom because I am such a light sleeper. As time went on, I just stopped fighting his depression and actually joined him in it. I layed in bed all day, I started drinking, stopped working out, stopped going out at all, put on 50 pounds. But I am not depressed, which is strange, it was like IF YOU CAN'T BEAT EM, JOIN EM kind of thing. Ir was like I caught his depression like most people get the flu from others.

Needless to say we have not had sex in a very long time. I never put him down for his weight, it doesn't bother me. I tried all kinds of things, he just lost his desire for sex. It may be low testosterone but most of it is depression.

So here I am, a year later, 50 pounds heavier, doing exactly what he is doing and feeling like HOW AM I GONNA GET OUT OF THIS FUNK? Well, the other night, I got up late to get a drink of water and caught him masterbating to porn on the internet. I was shocked because he said he couldn't get it up any more. He was drunk at the time (when he is at his most honest) so I asked him why he didn't initiate sex with me. He said in so many words that he is not attracted to me anymore because I have let myself go and lay around all day. At first I was devastated and hurt. Then I got angry, how dare he not find me attractive for acting just like he does. Ahhhh, but then I got FREE!!! Everything clicked into place. I felt the stress of the weight gain melt away and started working out again. I stopped drinking and I no longer feel ignored because I see that this is who he is and me trying to change him and then me tryiing to BE like him failed. I realized I have to be myself and only worry about me.

So any of you who live with a depressed person, I know how hard it can be, but don't do what I did and try to join the depression party so you have something in common with your spouse.

Cheers

brendan

a very good post. a feel myself going down your path a tad. although my wife doesnt seem as bad as your husband was.

i have realised i cannot help her even though i have given up a lot. i have to look after myself and continue to grow as a person.
I think it can be contagious. the worst thing is the depressed person knows their sick BUT feels they are doing nothing out of the ordinary.

Corpuswife

Honest post....

I am wondering why you are with him?

endlessgrief

Sometimes I ask myself that question. Ya know, I don't have a really good answer to that question that isn't lame.