Beginning battle with codependency

Pondering · 03-04-2012, 03:11 PM

I'm not sure this is the right category to post this topic. I'm recently realizing I need to deal with codependency issues. Here's my recent thread re this: Husband's codependency with sister hurting marriage

I just want to post my process with it for potential support from others going through the same and trying to figure out how to be in/maintain a marriage at the same time. I believe my husband has it, but need to focus on my stuff since I have no control over what he does for himself.

I've been trying to be conscious of how I behave - for instance, not letting "resilience" be his "get out jail" card, as in the past. Therefore, I am allowing there to be considerable discomfort and disconnect for us, rather than trying to superficially "fix" it (be resilient) for his convenience and because being down is "icky" for me. So I'm down, down, down, but somehow alive and not as obsessive of his junk.

At church this morning, the topic was about being broken, and the tears just flowed, but I felt some peace and alone at the same time. Hubby left for a business trip while I was there and on non-speaking terms with me. This morning had been a dance of anger, denial and reactivity that I did not want to engage in. It just is a distraction from getting anywhere real. But he's gone, and it's me, my kids, my responsibilities, and feeling alone and disconnected. This is probably good and healthy for me to feel and not try to escape with the band-aids of the past.

Have any of you gone this path?

Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT · 03-07-2012, 03:00 PM

I want to support you in your efforts. By not "fixing" things so that he gets his way, you're changing the dance steps - the dynamics - of the pattern in your relationship. It's quite possible that the loneliness and disconnection you're feeling was there before, underneath the old dance, due to his closeness with his sister. Change isn't comfortable, but it's necessary to heal.

Pondering · 03-07-2012, 03:36 PM

Thank you so much. It is has been challenging and I'm proud of small efforts in self-care recently, even simply getting through the night with some sleep. He just got back from a trip, and I maintained some space - no passionate welcome home or romp.

He agreed he wanted to have a fulfilling marriage and family in an email yesterday, but hasn't given indication he's given anything real thought. In fact, he's told me he may not get to any insight as I might hope. His big concession was to maybe pick up a book from the library.

He wants to be lazy and he wants me to clean up a mess largely created by him, as always. Saturday, he encouraged me to talk, but then responded to what I said with "that is hard to hear." This is part of the dance where anything I said barely made it to his brain and I will never get a response. I pointed that out and he said we'd talk the next day, before he left - didn't happen and he snapped when I asked that maybe he could send me a revised bullet list of what we would need to cover in therapy (if we could get it) from his end that wasn't all about his sister and her family. So he left with me not looking at him and not saying goodbye, then during the trip we had roller-coaster communication. So the end result is not a real talk with real solid listening and agreed upon results sought.

He's agreed he doesn't want a roller-coaster relationship, but I'm not seeing so far that he actually wants to put thought and effort in changing that. I think it takes tons of thought and consciousness on my part to not play the codependent role. So far the battle is on for me, and I'm getting some peace from that, for not continuing in MY pattern.