Jaxie

Here is some background information...

My husband and I have been married for 6.5 years, together for 2 before. He was diagnosed with ADD as a child. We always had the plan that he would be the breadwinner and I would work for supplemental income if possible. However, that is not what has happened.

After dropping out of community college and then getting dropped from his online college, and THEN not applying by the deadline for ANOTHER community college,my husband still has no education and a very low paying job. However, in the time we have been together, I went back to school and got a Masters degree and work in a profession and make most of the money. I am very unhappy in my job, I commute far and worth with a population I do not enjoy. I have been "forced" to do this because if I do not, we wont have money to pay the bills.

After many years of asking and not getting real answers, I finally broke down and asked why our deal is still not happening and why he is doing this to me. He responded by telling me that he has been addicted to porn for our entire relationship and hid it from me. He said he would spend hours sleeping then waking up on his days off and watching porn for hours and then quickly try to get stuff done so it looks like he was doing something all day.

I was extremely shocked to hear this. However, it explained a lot. I finally felt like I had an answer to why he has been stagnant for years. He claims he hasn't looked at it since, and is trying to get his stuff together. porn the whole time. I feel like I shouldnt have to sit by and wait for him to go through college now and support us. We want kids and were trying to get pregnant before he revealed this to me.

He just started seeing a therapist at work. Now he says a therapist at work told him to take a leave of absence so he can focus on getting medication adjusted for ADD, addiction, and getting into a normal routine. My first thought is that I am jealous and angry. I work every day with an anxiety disorder and a connective tissue disorder. I should technically be on disability but I don't go on it because we can't afford it. I just feel like this is an excuse to sit around and do nothing and not change. Am I not being understanding enough? I just don't want to be taken for a ride like I have been for 7 years with no change in sight and me being screwed.

Any help or insight would be greatly appreciated.

tennisstar

I would be very resentful and honestly, I would probably have sent him packing. I would tell him that's not going to work and he needs to continue to work on himself while working. A therapist should understand. Otherwise what if he quits work and you end up supporting you both? I would also put off having kids until he figures his life out.
Posted via Mobile Device

diwali123

How does taking time off work help you get a normal routine? Seems to me it would just be more time for him to look at porn.
If I were you I'd be resentful and angry. I would say I don't support him taking time off because it will make things worse. You can adjust meds while working, I've done it many times.
Also counselors don't tell you do anything. Sometimes they make suggestions but they won't tell you what to do.
Posted via Mobile Device

Mavash.

Another resentful one here too. That wouldn't fly with me. Men don't need any more free time especially those with a porn addiction. Meds can be adjusted while you work.

tacoma

He`s taking you for a ride.

Men deal with life, they don`t use it as an excuse to avoid it.

nomoretogive

Call me crazy, but wouldn't time off from work actually encourage his addiction? At least by working he would have something productive to occupy himself with for a large chunk of the day. Because work would invariably be a large part of any normal adult's routine, removing that element seems not to make any sense if his goal is to get into some sort of routine.

Also, ADD, while nerve-wracking for those of us who have it, is really pretty easy to treat with stimulants, and the benefit is you tend to know really quickly whether this medicine at that dose is going to work for you. We just started my son on ADD meds, and I called the doc after three days, per her instruction, and told her we noticed no difference. She upped his dose, and he's been stable and doing well ever since. These meds just work really quick.

Are you sure it's an ADD issue? It sounds like a lack of motivation/no ambition, sense of entitlement, mother-me issue to me.

My husband and I have this discussion often, because he is a lot like your husband. But like you, I work a full time job every day with numerous health issues that keep me in chronic pain, and all my doctors keep encouraging me to file for disability, which I refuse to do. This makes me very unsympathetic to my husband's many "issues" for which he swears he simply can't work. I'm just not buying it.