Marriage Going Downhill

JohnFL · 02-15-2009, 01:38 PM

I've been married for just over 3 years. My wife has battled depression and anxiety for most of her life, starting when she was quite young. She's been going to therapy and been on and off medication since a child.

While dating, we had our ups and downs. For the most part things were good, but every now and then she'd have an anxiety attack, or get really negative. Whenever I told her that I was getting bummed out by this, she'd blame me for not loving her enough and saying that I was holding her to an unreasonable standard of perfection. I hadn't dated much before her, and I consider myself an extremely stable and logical guy, so I thought maybe she was right and that maybe all women are like that.

Anyway, fast forward a few years into marriage and I'm not sure what to do. Her anxiety attacks, negativity, and complaining are more frequent now. She's also told me that she feels she doesn't need to work on her issues as much now because I'm more stable and better able to handle it. Although I knew she had issues with depression and anxiety, I had no idea how severe it was and now I feel quite deceived. The more she opens up to me and tells me whats going on inside her head, the angrier I get that I didn't know all the details sooner. We've found a different therapist, hoping that perhaps he can help, but other than that I'm out of ideas. I feel the marriage is going downhill and there's nothing I can do to fix things.

Any thoughts?

Blanca · 02-15-2009, 01:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JohnFL

She's also told me that she feels she doesn't need to work on her issues as much now because I'm more stable and better able to handle it.

So how much of your frustrations and anger do you let her see? how well do you handle it when she has an anxiety attack? do you try and be the stable one and not let her see how much its getting to you?

do you have any kids? how old are you both?

JohnFL · 02-15-2009, 01:53 PM

I'm able to remain stable through the anxiety attacks, but she can tell I'm disappointed, and she gets angry at herself afterwards.

We don't have any kids, though we both want them eventually. Given the enormous responsibility they bring, I've insisted on waiting until there's more stability in our relationship, which adds more pressure on her.

She's 27 and I'm 26.

Blanca · 02-15-2009, 02:44 PM

My sister has anxiety attacks. I know how it feels to need to be 'the strong one.'

You're going to have to let her know how her attacks are affecting you. if you keep trying to be the strong, supportive one then she will never grasp the full ramifications for her actions. Let her handle your emotions however she does, but you cant keep trying to mask how you feel.

broo · 02-17-2009, 06:06 PM

Confront her about behaviors not the way she feels. For example, if she has an attack and drinks until her eyes turn yellow, confront that behavior. If she chases you with a knife, confont that one. It is OK for her to feel badly.. not OK for her to call you bad names when she does. People who feel bad can control the direction of their outburst. You are probably just the closest target.

Develop a system. Maybe she needs to commit to running 5 miles every mornng, or maybe there is rule that when you hang up the red flag you avoid each other until she takes it down. You can be a rock without being abused.