ramroop

We have been married for 8 years but were friends and lovers for many years prior to that .My wife was married previously but that only lasted 9 months after an on & off relationship with her husband. My wife has always been a moody person and seems to swop and change for no reason at all and has been like that since I have known her.
These moods have got worse and worse and she has left me between 20 and 30 times in our 8 year marraige. She always goes and stays with her mom but eventually comes back ( she did the same with her last husband ). We have a young child together and i have two older children from a prveiouse relationship. She constantly accuses me of doing everything for myself and my two children and doing nothing for her and HER child. She accuses my family for interfeering and causing trouble in our marraige and calls them evil people but then allows my parents to look after him 2 days aweek after school.She has sent my parent emails telling them how much she loves them and what an important and loving role they have played in our sons upbringing. She has this love, hate feeling for myself and my family. On one side she is this really loving caring & thoughtfull person and on the other she feels like everyone hates her and she feels thay are just using her and taking advantage of her. She has often asked me why my family feels threatened by her. I have no idea what she means by this.
When she leaves me she normally goes a spending spree at clothes shops and goes out drinking heavily and tells everyone what a bad person i am and what an evil family we are. She accuses me of being a verbally and mentally abusive husband. With here previouse ralationship she was very promiscuous. She has very few female friends that she can confide in and tends to be more comfortable in male company but when her moods change she really hates men and says that she has been hurt by them too much.
She is a very beautiful inteligent woman and holds a good management position at work but sometime she seems to loose touch with reality.

Any suggestions
Ramroop

CallaLily

My suggestion to you is, if you are hurt and tired of this, you need to set some boundaries and put your foot down. The first thing you might want to do is let her know you are seeking therapy and you hope she comes too for the sake of your marriage.My guess is, she will likely not go. You should still go. You need to tell a professional whats going on, and see if they can tell you if it sounds like she has BPD etc. If so, then they can give you some suggestions on things to do/try. In the mean time, make sure you read up on BPD and other mental illness issues and take care of you. You can't change or fix her but you can help yourself become more educated on what may or may not be going on.

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ramroop

we have been to 2 therapists which openly told us both that they would like to see my wife on her own for a few sessions but then she refuses to go. I eventually found a therapist that my wife feels comfortable with and after a few sessions together she openly told me in a private session that she recognised some type of dissorder with my wife but needed to see more of her. The therapist also told me that she would only work with one of us and advised me to see a different therapist. My wife goes for a few sessions then stops and the only thing that my wife tells me is that she is in a deep state of depression due to all the problems that myself and my family have caused. I find this very frustrating due to the fact that it is the same patern as with her first husband and the same patern that has existed in our relationship from day one. I have tried to set doundries but that just seems to agrevate the situation

CallaLily

Unfortunately you can't change her and I'm sure you're aware of that. All you can do is either educate yourself on how to live with someone with a disorder, or move on so you can have a shot at a happier life for yourself.

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Conrad

Roop,

What was her childhood like?

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"Forgive or Re-Live"

-AFEH

lovesherman

Read Uptown's posts. He has good information about BPD spouses.

ramroop

Her parents had quite a messy split up when she was thirteen and apparently both her parent had several affairs while seperating. My wife admits that she went off the rails for a while but what she means by that im not sure. When she left school openly admits to me that she partied and slept around with lots of men and i know she hates herself for what she did back then. Although she is very beautiful and inteligent she seems to have no confidence in herself.

Uptown

LoveSherman, thanks so much for the kind words. RamRoop, I lived with my BPDer exW for 15 years, during which time I spent a small fortune taking her to weekly visits of IC with six different psychologists and two MCs -- all to no avail.

I share some of that experience in my posts in Maybe's thread at My list of hell!. Like you, Maybe is married to an abusive, unstable woman. If my description of BPD traits in his thread rings a bell, I would be happy to discuss them with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, RamRoop.

Conrad

Sounds like she hates herself - period.

You won't be able to fix this.

Only she can.

__________________
"Forgive or Re-Live"

-AFEH

diwali123

I'm guessing there is some other kind of trauma in her past. Its common for people to leave therapy because they get close to remembering what it was and they can't handle it. She sounds so BPD to the extreme but armchair psychiatry isn't reliable.
If I were you I would go to bpdcentral.com and at least get support for yourself. Even if she's technically not BPD person her behavior is so close to it that it can't hurt.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this. She is blaming you and your family instead of the real issue bc she thinks she can't survive the real issue. Just my two cents.
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827Aug

Mental disorder or not, you must set boundaries. Tell her you take your marriage vows seriously--i.e. "Through sickness and in health". But, she MUST get help. In other words, she must uphold her end of the deal.

Unfortunately, it's now fashionable to sling out letters of the alphabet (PTSD, BPD, bpd,etc.) as a reason for everything. That solves nothing. Many mental disorders are improperly diagnosed anyway. She should probably be evaluated by a psychologist to get a proper diagnosis. Although therapist are great at detecting problems, they will many times refer patients on for further testing. Only then does anyone know how best to resolve the problem.

Also, has hormonal problems been ruled out?