zim

Well I have been with my spouse for 2 years. When we were just dating I cheated and it really hurt both of us. I broke down and confessed because I felt like it was eating me alive. It was a very hard time for us and we almost separated. I think forgive myself but I feel badly about myself. It just lurks around in my mind still. I wish that I could take it all back. It was with one person but more than one time. My spouse still brings it up sometimes, usually when we get in an argument, which makes me think that my spouse is still not over it. I just feel really depressed and trashy. It turns my stomach. I never intended the hurt. I broke trust, I broke something beautiful, I really hurt someone I love. My past just keeps catching up with me. I was also asked how many people I had been with in the past like ever... honestly the number is about 21. I know that's a pretty high number. My spouse said that they feel like they are not special because I've been with so many people... but that is not true at all. My spouse has been with about 7 and one of the people I know, so it makes me jealous a little also like how they met, and the types of people these are and all that... I could say that I don't feel special. I always compare myself to the people my spouse has been with and I have an obsession with being better than them. I hate it... my first real relationship gave me trust issues, my second didn't fix that, and it all is carrying over into this one. I just can't trust because of my past. I need some serious advice. I am open to your criticism and advice. Thanks.

DanF

You two haven't really reconciled. You both obviously want to, but to keep rehashing the affair does not indicate true forgiveness. In order for your guilt to lessen, your husband needs to truly forgive you. You also need to show real remorse(you indicate that you have) and you both need to reignite the passion and butterflies that initially attracted you to each other.
I advise you to both seek counseling and learn why a) you had an affair and b) why neither of you can seem to get past it.

DanF

Oops.
Double post