Orchidae

After waking up unwilling to get out of bed today and bawling my eyes out of helplessness, I finally decided to ask for advice here, because I have no one to turn to. Please, bear with me guys.

We've been together for 5 years - not married yet, but engaged. We are total opposites and for the last 6 months it has been a nightmare - not a week goes by without a fight. He's getting distant and we actually spoke out loud about breaking up. We agreed to give it one more push before ending it, and I'm holding onto that push for dear life.

In the beginning of our relationship I was so amazed by this man and his interest in me, that I thought I wasn’t good enough for him. I felt stupid compared to him and I was secretly afraid that I’ll disappoint him. He sensed my insecurity and my fears turned to be a “self-fulfilling prophecy” – he started criticizing me a lot, claiming that this way I’d be motivated to do things right. Wrong. Every time I got criticized I got more anxious and more angry towards him. And the last year of our relationship, it all exploded.

As he continued to criticize me, my esteem of wanting to do stuff completely disappeared. I withdrew and even simple conversations became a strain. I became more and more anxious around him and appeared downright stupid, because I was afraid of being judged while talking. I'm afraid of communicating.

PBear

Have you told him how you feel and why? It doesn't sound like there's much compromise or give and take going on. Was there a single incident that turned things around?

You could also try individual counseling. Have you had this anxiety before? It sounds like something that could affect you in other areas of your life,, and in other relationships. And taking your baggage from one relationship to the next simply starts the cycle fresh.

Failing that, you could look at the fact that you have opposite personalities, and accept that you may not be a match. That's the whole point to dating and being engaged. To determine if that person is a life partner for you. If he's not, that doesn't mean that there's something wrong with either one of you. Just means you're not a match.

C
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Homemaker_Numero_Uno

If he thinks you are boring then why has he stayed with you so long?
I think your relationship is abusive.
If he thinks you're not worth it then what is his pay-off for the relationship. In my opinion a relationship should leave you with a feeling of mutual concern, loving feelings even when you are not with each other, honesty and if there is any kind of problem, a desire and commitment to working through them together, respectfully.

Here's something I keep in my daytimer, it's taped onto the back page.

Results of verbal and emotional abuse, from the Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness:

*A distrust of her spontaneity
*A loss of enthusiasm
*An uncertainty about how she is coming across
*A concern that something is wrong with her
*An inclination to reviewing incidents with the hopes of determining what went wrong
*a loss of self-confidence
*a growing self-doubt
*an internalized critical voice
*a concern that she isn't happier and ought to be
*an anxiety or fear of being crazy
*a sense that time is passing and she's missing something
*a desire not to be the way she is, e.g. "too sensitive" etc.
*a hesitancy to accept her perceptions
*a reluctance to come to conclusions
*a tendency to live in the future, e.g. "everything will be great when/after..."
*a desire to escape or run away
*a distrust of future relationships

I was once in an abusive relationship, actually more than once. Repeat offender. That's why I have these taped in my book. It doesn't apply just to intimate relationships, it can apply to work relationships, and just about any other relationship as well like with a neighbor, a 'friend', etc.

Then I was in a good relationship, and it felt good. Unfortunately my boyfriend had a brain hemorrhage but before he did I had the chance to really feel how a healthy relationship is. Once you feel that, nothing else is acceptable.

I went to individual therapy for an entire year. It took that much for me to leave a 5-year relationship and marriage. My ex-H was lying to me about the women in his life, but moreover was the emotional abuse and manipulation and gaslighting and power issues including sexual. When I think about how long I stayed in that relationship, I am ashamed...but then when I think about how difficult it was for me to find my way out of that relationship, and what my path was, after being in it for so long and jumping through hoops and believing all the garbage he fed me because I couldn't disprove it (but felt it emotionally, that it was wrong/untrue), I am really proud of myself. I left for the unknown. It was finally a better choice than the known. The known wasn't leading me to a place where I could continue to live. The life I was building on that path was something I could never feel okay with. It was such that I didn't want to invite my friends to be a part of it. Even I didn't want to be a part of it...and didn't want my children thinking it would be okay either.