So, my friend told me to post here because everyone is so nice lol.... So here goes
Well let's start off with a little background about me. I have BPD and along with that severe depression as well as severe anxiety. For those of you who don't know what BPD is basically it's an illness that effects your ability to handle emotion and greatly effects relationships.
Now, because this is largely to do with my family I will start by telling you about them.. I have 6 siblings! I only speak to one of those siblings we will call her sibling #1
On the other hand there is sibling #2... She moved to MN after my dad died in '06, basically she used my mother to get here and get established and now has little to no contact with any of the family accept with sibling #3 whom we haven't talked about yet. She has 3 kids, a 23 yr old son (who has 3 kids of his own and 2 in his custody and no job) a 16 yr old daughter and an 8 yr old son, all of my memories of this woman are bad and we have absolutely no relationship at all
Sibling #3, she is a piece of work lol... she is the most fake, manipulative, back stabbing, two faced BLANK I have ever met! She also has 3 kids all boys, a 26, 24 and 20 yr old... The 20 yr old is a meth addict and has been in and out of jail and treatment since he was 16... last summer he had came to my campsite where I was staying with his 2 children to play with my kids... while he was leaving he got pulled over because the police here know he doesn't have a DL, well because he was being pulled over he swallowed all of the narcotics he had on him because he was on probation and ended up in the hospital having seizures... My sister somehow blames this one me because of stories told by his meth head girlfriend and text messages in his phone with him talking to me about drugs, I haven't spoken to her in a year
Sibling #4 is an ******* and quietly hates me because of things I did when I was young and things i can not change
Sibling #5 lives in texas and I have only met her a couple times
Sibling #6 lives about 6 hours from where I do and basically has had nothing to do with our family since he was 18... he is 40 now, the last time i saw him was a couple months ago when my mother had a heart attack and he decided to pick a fight with me in the hospital waiting room and then later picked on with sibling #4, however he is dying... he is on the heart transplant list and now his heart is functioning at 19% and he doesn't believe he is going to make it until he gets a new heart...
He is coming on Sunday to basically say his goodbyes to the family.... He has requested and big family dinner... all of us... which will include about 25 people.... most who absolutely hate me and I don't care for them either.
My problem is I feel this may be my brothers attempt at getting us all in the same room to "hash out" our differences... or perhaps not, idk
With my anxiety i don't know if I can handle this situation. everyone keeps telling me I need to go that way when he is gone I don't feel guilt. However I really really don't want to go.
Having this many people who hate you under one roof is just too much, not to mention i don't have anything to say to my brother who is dying because he has been a complete ass to me for the last 22 years... I honestly don't know if I would be able to do it without having a complete melt down
I guess I need some advice....