I'm jealous of my husband's past life
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Physical & Mental Health Issues » I'm jealous of my husband's past life

Physical & Mental Health Issues Marriage and relationships are difficult by themselves, but coping with physical or mental health problems can make things even more difficult.

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Old 05-11-2012, 04:30 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I'm jealous of my husband's past life

Hi,I'm married with 3 times divorce husband for 1,5 years.
My husband treats me nicely overall, he's a loving and responsible husband. he got 2 daughters from his 1st marriage, 1 son from the 2nd and another son from his 3rd. and I have one son from my past relationship. this is my 1st marriage.

The problem starts with my jealousy over his exes and their children. the children live with each of their moms and they live far away. before marriage I told him that there's no way I would accept all his children, they're absolutely not my business. and he agreed.

I don't want to see all their names on his phone book list, I don't want to see or hear my husband talking to them on the phone with his children or his ex, No pictures of his children allowed in the house or even in his computer, I even don't want him to go and visit his children, because it looks like a family reunion to me.

And so far, he understands and follow the "rules".
one of his ex from the 1st marriage that I can't stand. She keeps calling him, text him almost everyday. Asking some money, or tell him that their daughter is sick, or even ask him when is he going to open a bank account I don't even know about, because he never told me. And it goes on till now.

I start to think like living a marriage inside marriage. I'm not comfortable with this situation, I want a family of my own and I don't like to share my husband, with anyone.

But it looks like my husband doesnt want to cut off his relationship with his ex wives. He tried so hard too keep them, change their names so I won't recognize them in his phone book list. he also still trying to contact them behind my back. So, he lies all the time. it frustrates me.

I try to analize myself what cause this.
Maybe it's because my son doesn't have a father. he left since I was pregnant.My son never met,hear or see his father till now.
And ever since, I hate to see a happy family or father children relationship. It's so unfair. My son has to work hard to get my husband's attention, while his own children can get all the love effortlessly. It breaks my heart.

I know, I'm wicked. I'm such a mean person. everybody even my mom judge me that. I try so hard to ease it down, but the harder I try, the stronger I'm jealous.

What should I do?
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Old 05-11-2012, 04:33 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm jealous of my husband's past life

You can't make a "rule" cutting a person off from their children. That's just screwed up. No matter what happened with his ex-wives, the kids are still his kids and he's going to want to see them.

How is your husband's relationship with *your* child? Has he also demanded that you can't see your son?

Trying to keep your husband away from his kids is setting yourself up for failure.
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Old 05-11-2012, 04:37 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm jealous of my husband's past life

Cutting a man off from his children is vile, and foolish, and if he agreed to it, then you deserve each other.
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Old 05-11-2012, 04:42 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm jealous of my husband's past life

Yes i know that. How many times I ask my husband to end this marriage. I know this isnt gon work out for both of us. But he never let me go.

And when people ask me, what if my husband ask me to cut off my relationship with my son? I would not marry him in the first place.

I'm not that selfish. That's why I better leave instead of hurting many people including myself. The problem is, my husband does not want to end this.
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Old 05-11-2012, 04:44 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm jealous of my husband's past life

Have you two been to counseling?
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Old 05-11-2012, 04:45 PM   #6 (permalink)
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And one more thing, you are free to judge. But it would be wiser if you come up with a solution. thank you.
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Old 05-11-2012, 04:49 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Not yet. Not because I don't want to, but I actually know what I'm going to hear. no difference with your comments. I'm also tortured with this condition. I don't want to have this nasty feelings. I fight it still now.
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Old 05-11-2012, 04:54 PM   #8 (permalink)
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No, a counselor will be able to help you deal with your feelings of jealousy and resentment. There are plenty of cognitive techniques that will help you change your feelings and beliefs if you are willing.
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Old 05-11-2012, 06:44 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm jealous of my husband's past life

I feel like you are holding a resentment with your babies father. He wasn't there for his child, and you see your husband being a great dad with his biological children and wish that your child had that with their dad. What I can say is it isn't your husband's fault. He has children with other women and nothing can change that, and he does need to speak to those women from time to time to co-parent the child they had together. You say he's a great dad to them, but not so much your son. Have you told him you feel this way? Maybe he's cold to the idea because you have such ridiculous demands from him about children he seems to love dearly. It's okay to not care for the other mothers, be respectful and courteous to them, but don't take it out on the kids. By doing that your are forcing them to grow up without a father and it isn't fair to them.
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Old 05-11-2012, 06:46 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Also I feel he may not have initially understood what he was agreeing to, not with the way it sounds.
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Old 05-11-2012, 10:13 PM   #11 (permalink)
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This is absolutely crazy:

"The problem starts with my jealousy over his exes and their children. the children live with each of their moms and they live far away. before marriage I told him that there's no way I would accept all his children, they're absolutely not my business. and he agreed.

I don't want to see all their names on his phone book list, I don't want to see or hear my husband talking to them on the phone with his children or his ex,"

Having imposed this crazy rule, you are now surprised that he periodically speaks with his children and ex-wives. YOU CAUSED IT, YOU CREATED THE PROBLEM. YOU MADE SURE YOUR MARRIAGE COULD NOT SUCCESS AND THAT HE WOULD RESENT YOU.

Imagine a husband who said, I explained to my wife that I would have multiple women coming over my house to sleep with me, and that it would be her responsibility to make them dinner. But now she doesn't always follow the rules or make the nice dinner me and my women expect.

If you want the possibility of a normal marriage, you should acknowledge her right, indeed his duty, to communicate with his children, he will be happier, and once you realize he is happy, he will have less of a need to talk with his ex-lives, and that will reduce the problem.
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Old 05-12-2012, 07:51 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Keeping your husband from his children is absolutely wrong.

When I left my ex, his new gf was extremely jealous of me. I'm not exactly sure why that is. I remarried and have a wonderful husband. When I left, the only feelings I had toward him was hatred.

It's very important for your husband to be civil to their mothers for the children sake. Please, keep this in mind. Children are like sponges and soak everything in, including how we treat each other. They look up to both parents and you as a step parent. Your husband married you, this means he no longer has feelings for these other women. He has feelings for you. Don't ruin this marriage over your jealousy. Get counseling if you need to. His children will always be in his life.

There is nothing you could possibly do to stop contact. It's great to hear he's so civil for the children's sake. Hopefully this jealousy will fade quickly. I do think it's normal to have a little jealousy so new into a marriage.

My husband was married before I and his ex w was beautiful on the outside, but nasty on the inside. I, too, was a little jealous due to not looking as nice as she. I quickly got over it and I've been married for 12 years. They did not have any children. My husband is in love with me and loves me the way I am. He is surly attracted to me and it shows.

Good luck.
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Old 05-12-2012, 09:52 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm jealous of my husband's past life

I think you should get counseling for this and overcome it. You are not wicked, just insecure...it comes from something within, but it will eventually ruin your relationship. That, plus do you want your husband sneaking to keep contact with his children behind your back?

It's understandable that this is your 1st marriage and his 4rth, but you knew that going in to it.It sounds like you should have given this more thought before marrying him. But the bottom line is it's wrong to discourage him from talking to his children, and make those "rules"...it's just plain wrong.

Find a good counselor and face the facts you need to to accept his children in his life, or you may be ex number 4....good luck!
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Old 05-12-2012, 10:05 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm jealous of my husband's past life

Wow. Why would you do that? Instant separation between you and your husband.

If you didn't like his FAMILY, then you shouldn't have married him.

His ex wives are FAMILY. They will be in his life for a long time. I don't know why you'd marry him, knowing he has 3 ex wives (1, that's a little much and 2, they don't just go away).

How sad for his kids. Wow.
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Old 05-12-2012, 10:51 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm jealous of my husband's past life

As I said I think you need help/counseling to overcome this. First you need to admit it's wrong, and then get help as to why. It took courage for you to share this, so that tells me you don't feel good about it and are reaching out.

We shouldn't be judgmental. I hope you find help for this.
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