DeepBreathPKI

Hi. I'm new on here.
Seems there a a lot of folks out there trying to deal with 'diagnosed' conditions or situations. That would feel like a step forward for me. I'm not sure where to start, this may all read a little random... .. . .
At the moment I am often toatally confused / upset and actaully quite angry at the situations I find myself in during and after some 'communications' with my Wife.
I will say in short. When things are good, they are great, when not good It is truely the worst feeling.

In summary, I work 5days and 50hrs. My wife works 3days 30hours. In the time during the rest of each week:
My wife spends a extraordinary amount of time on the laptop playing pointless games on FB, Ebay and whatever. I have estimated 30-40hours a week maybe more.
She is not houseproud but complains about the state of it.
She does cook, probably more than me. But I do my fair share.
Clothes, both clean and dirty would literally pile up in the house for weeks on end if I did not deal with it.
She hardly ever, washes up, dusts or hoovers.
I literally wash(toilets clothes pots etc)/iron/tidy/DIY constantly.

I OK'd for her to pay only half what she should really pay into the house (given our earnings are 60/40 split)and she still manages to spend the rest every month, expecing me to stump up in week 4 of every month.
I pay for both cars, weekly shops, holidays, days out, childrens lunch money/swimming etc.
Consequently I am literally tied to OT and just getting month to month.

Whenever I confront her on these things it is quickly elevated. She immediately assumes the higher ground just by being more aggressive and defensive. Often using words phrases/ tones which if any stranger used the same I would probably physically attack them !
These situations leave me feeling like I have no purpose other than to exist to provide. I do have hobbiies but fairly limited in terms of expense and time allowed. Then I'm often questioned albeit toungue in cheek about where I have been. ??

My negative words for my wife:
Lazy
Controlling
Contradictory
Aggressive
Moody
Abusive
Selfish
Opinionated
Stubborn

Yet underneath all this negative, to which I clearly focus on, there is a hugely positive side which I just dont see enough of.
It is this chalk and cheese sitaution which is so frustrating and leaves we feeling anxious awkward around her constantly rolling around conversations in my head trying to work out the best way of asking her something.

I'll leave it there. I could rant on all night.

Just want a leveller playing field....

Mindful Coach

Stop confronting her if it ends poorly. "I want _____, and this is what I am willing to do _____" should be enough. For example, "I want us to make a budget and stick to it so we can "buy a house", "go on a trip" - whatever let's sit down and work this out. Then, when it's worked out, stick to it. If she is short at the end of the month say "I'm sorry, I guess we'll have to do without for a week". Obviously if you have to fill the gas tank for her to get to work you might want to that, but you do not have to pony over your money every month because she fails to keep to the budget.

"I want to even out the chores, lets make a list of who does what". Make the list, do what you need to do and if she is a slob about her part, then I guess she will have to sit in it.

Stating what you want and making suggestions for how to work it out is not confrontational and should not include pointing out each other's character defects, it's about you both stating what you want and working together as a team to make it happen.

Good luck!

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Tracy
Couple's Conditioning
Inspir3.com

Almostrecovered

hmmmm...endless hours on facebook and blaming you for a poor marriage?

any other signs that she is cyber cheating/having an EA?

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unbelievable

I'd quit paying for internet as cost saving measure. If you have to rely on overtime to make ends meet, you need to cut expenses. She apparently can't pay it because she has trouble meeting her existing bills. Relieved of the distraction, she might find better uses of her time.

DeepBreathPKI

Thanks for the quick reply.

When I say 'confront it', Its the same as 'mention it'.

I thinks she sees it as criticism, whatever the tactic of raising the subject.
Like when I pointed out (calmly) that the laptop is slow becasue she has a lot of bandwidth heavy games open; 'Dont diss my games Dip****'. Came the retort.

Anyway, thanks for the advise. I need to be a little stronger and structured in my approach.

DeepBreathPKI

DeepBreathPKI

Famous last words:
I really dont think she is haveing a n affair. (although I often wish she was ?! WTF?) Ive noted the cyber and social activity enough to know it is mainly a mind numbing waste of time.
However, I will keeep vigilent ! Cheers

brendan

good luck, was very similar to my ex wife.

she worked 30 hours and other than date had no motivation, played facebook games and pointless games on laptop and kept an untidy house.

She was diagnosed with depression. in the 2 years since proposal, she totally changed and become so negative. I am a positive person - we ended up splitting up after counselling''good luck

DeepBreathPKI

Thats my worry. Depression! However the patterns are regular but its not quite all the time. . .. just most of the time. (lol)
I'm a posiitve person also but I refuse to use all my energy to drag her up. I see it as a shared responsibility.

If anything I do the opposite of trying to dragging her up/out. Youve got to love yourself first.

Thanks

muttgirl

The depression seems to make everything harder for me so house work and things take longer than I would like. Also, if money is an issue, do spending logs for every penny you each spend for 2 wks-month to see where its going. But you do know money and chores and jobs will never be even and fair because life isnt fair. But you can try to make it better. Getting rid of internet is a great idea to save money and motivate your w to get a better schedule. Good luck and dont give up yet.

DeepBreathPKI

I have made up a list of expenses for myself to demonstrate (becasue she clearly has no grasp on the actual cost of things in general) what I earn and what goes out right down to mobile phone bills, fuel costs etc and what generally I have left. I have encouraged her to do the same for her personal exxpenses (as we have our own income) to get a better handle on things, but she immediatly takes the defensive stance and sees me as being intrusive or untrustworthy or suspecting that she 'wastes' money on things (clothes etc) way too much and that leaves her short when the 3/4 week comes around so fuel and general weekend family costs are suddenly and expectantly '100% my scope'. Problem is I dont trust her with Money, she doies waste money, she cannot budget month to month, she cannot save, but she will not have me questioning her about it. I just get a big defensive reaction leaving me feeling like Ive done somthing wrong.

Anyway, all this talk of money being an issue is just one example of my wife blaming others for her own problems. My part has being letting her get away with it.
Turning it around is the bigger problem. In all honesty I have no Idea how........

DeepBreathPKI

Another thing.

From being out this weekend with friends for quite an afternoon session. I came home around 11pm. (the time I said I would) when I came in, clealry very drunk but then opened my heart and told her how much I love her etc etc.
She spends the next day giving me a hard time about it all. About how drunk I was and how the neigbours saw me and telling me dont drink that 'whatever it was' drink again.
But, Hey, big dealI went out (dont go out much), had a good time. no-one got hurt, no-one was unfaithful. Just Friday let your hair down fun. Then I get home and get this Old mithery woman trying to make me feel bad or embarrassed or something.

I just don't compute.

She goes out, comes in drunk = its funny, lets tell everyone that she has hangover cause its funny and we had a great time. She has drunken sex with husband, nice, thanks, smiley face! everythings happy. Lets have a day on the couch writing off the day almost completely while husband brings tea and attends to children etc etc. I'm happy to do this.... but...

I go out = questions, suspiciion, scowls, Tension, coldness. Tell the story of me getting in the house to friends and family like I've committed the worst atrocity. Takes pleasure in putting on me, picking kids up, making lunch, other chores etc. watching me suffer with my hangover.

Makes me hate the situation more by writing it! Its just not what I want from Life.... from a wife.

but I keep letting it happen !

Posse

Why?

DeepBreathPKI

Becasue she is so good at taking the upper hand, the higher ground. When I challenge it, to elevate myself over her position to reason my side I must ultimately be so angry and forceful that I almost lose control becasue arguing with her is so frustrating. Its like having a discussion with some one with completely different morals or beliefs or physics to my world.

JoeRockStar

My wife is very similar in this regard, it's impossible to bring up something that's bothering me without her flipping out and trying to turn the tables and make ME the bad guy.

Wish I had advice for you and sorry I don't but at least I will commiserate with you. I avoid arguments like the plague for this reason and nothing ever gets accomplished. Like you, I have to reach the end of my rope and explode before I can get through to her.