Physical & Mental Health IssuesMarriage and relationships are difficult by themselves, but coping with physical or mental health problems can make things even more difficult.
Venting. Any of you with spouses with MI or PD will probably understand. STBXH has been diagnosed with MDD and OCD, but also has all the textbook symptoms and actions of someone with Borderline PD, too. He has had (depending on how you define and when you start counting them) at least 7 EAs going back to when we were dating. I didn't know such a thing existed until a few years after we were married, the first time I saw a sexual element in their banter.
It has been tough. He has always battled depression, but I also experienced other things like extreme panic attacks, grandiosity, pits of low self-esteem alternating with unbearable arrogance. He's extremely intelligent, so I thought it had something to do with a 'genius' personality. I knew he upbringing was not healthy. His treatment of me worsened over time. He had a breakdown 5 1/2 years ago. More EAs, more emotional abuse of me. He went back to school during this time, so I told myself it was the stress. That it would get better when the stress level went down. I hung in there. I had my own problems: sleep disorder, atypical depression and self-esteem issues that got worse with every (unacknowledged) EA.
Finally, out of the blue, he gave the ILYBINILWY speech. No attempt at MC no matter how much I begged. He led me on with maybe we'd try, maybe not for 6 more months while we still lived together, still slept together, and were still sexually intimate for 4 more months after the speech. Then, without an explanation, suddenly he wouldn't touch me. Not even a hug. I moved out after another 2 months. He has been splitting me black ever since. The latest EA is now his GF. We knew each other before the split, more than acquaintances but less than friends. He's shoving her down our son's throat, even though he's told his dad he doesn't like it.
STBXH is over his head in another BPD idealization romance. It's like watching my own courtship over again. We aren't even divorced yet, but obviously, vows and promises stopped meaning anything to him over a year ago. I've read Uptown's links about BPD, and also the articles on Shari Schreiber's website, and they fit STBXH and I in minute detail.
I have to keep repeating to myself: 'It's his disorder, It's his disorder. He doesn't/can't really love her, or me, or anyone.' But it's so weird because to everyone else (probably her too, still) he seems like an emotional, sensitive great guy. I still blame her for carrying on an EA while we were still living together, when she never talked to me about how I felt about our relationship -- was it really over? But I know he won't be faithful to her, either. He'll drown her in his neediness, selfishness, demands and total lack of care for her needs. Logically, I know that. I'm still trying to detach from those memories of when things were good. I held on to them for dear life for so long. It's so heartbreaking and mind-bending to realize that your whole life with someone was not really what you thought. That you were sort of living with an alien in a human body, pretending he had empathy, and love, and honesty, and all of those things. You find out years later that, after he was done sucking the life out of you, he's going to leave you an empty shell and move on to the next woman.
I just don't know how to handle it with our son. He's starting to see things, but I can't say much or I look like the bitter ex-wife, bashing her child's father.
My word of warning to all of you -- if things get unbearable, don't wait for them to improve. They won't Deal with it now. If they won't comply, you must think of yourself and your kids. You won't stay healthy if you stay with a disordered or severely mentally ill spouse.
I'm not bashing people with disorders or illnesses. But they are responsible for seeking treatment, and for listening when their loved ones tell them that something is going wrong. Without intensive therapy, they will not get better on their own. In most cases, it gets worse. If you choose to stay, do not do it at the expense of your health, physical, emotional or mental. I wish STBXH's healthcare providers had given me half a clue of what I was in for as the spouse of someone with severe treatment-resistant mental illness.
I am so sorry you have had to go through all that you have.
Not sure if you know or not but, I am a BPD'er. I can only speak on my behalf and not others like me. I do know how to love and be loved. It took me a LOT of time and me making horrendous mistakes to finally take accountability for my actions.
Your best course of action in dealing with someone with BPD is just to totally disengage. Easier said than done I know. The good times are usually always so wonderful but, you need to focus on the bad times. It will help you detach. The more you ignore him, the better off you will be. Keep things to dealing with your son only.
Thanks, pidge. I'm not trying to paint all people with BPD with the same brush. I'm just not sure what to believe. He has told me he lied to me for years when he said he loved me romantically and found me attractive. Then he acts crushed when I then believe our relationship was false during that time. Maybe it is the only way he can love, but it's not healthy, I know that. He never gets to the next level beyond the infatuation phase. When that burned out, he was on to the next EA. When he felt vulnerable and unsure of himself, he came back to me, but more as a caretaker. But empathy is definitely missing. He cries for himself very easily, but I've never seen him cry when someone in his family died (including when I miscarried), or in response to someone else's hurt. Maybe narcissism runs stronger in him, I don't know.
But I know you're right. I must emotionally detach. I just feel like a lot of my past is some kind of cloudy time when I can't be really sure of anything, except that I know I loved him, I have my amazing son, and that the pain was very real.
Thanks for taking the time to respond. I hope I didn't offend you with what I said.
He may be on a courtship now - but unless he learns to actively manage his issues somehow - then you know how the courtship ends.
My Ex has Fibro/Chronic Fatigue. She has also had anxiety attacks, PPD, depression, and was briefly labeled as BPII years ago. So many of these symptoms overlap - including BPD. Even Fibro - which is supposed to be physical - looks just like depression when you lay the symptoms out.
When things were bad, I asked her once if she knew what a Narcissist was - she raised her hand and smiled. Truly creeped me out.
As for your son - I don't think you can really do much - except continue being the stable parent. My Ex and my oldest D can't stand each other - and it is really hard to not side with my D sometimes. But - I continue to send the message to her that her Mom is her Mom, and she needs to listen and be respectful.
If it ever crossed over to abuse or neglect, then things would change. But the sad reality is that her Mom is just not always a good person - and both girls are going to need to find some way to deal with that.
And - I guess it is the disorder - but also the way your STBX has (or hasnt) dealt with the disorder.
I know you miss the good times - but imagine that same kind of relationship without all of the "bad" stuff! It's out there!!!
The latest I have heard and read states that Fibromyalgia is depression-related.
Hang whatever label you want on someone, but deal with the behavior as it comes and set strong, unbreakable boundaries. We tend to get too tied up tryng to come up with a diagnosis for our mates.
You do no favors by allowing someone to run roughshod over you.
It really is as simple as, "How are you being treated?"
That said, it is so much better to be split white than split black.
Signed,
Someone who deals with a spouse with an undiagnosed PD
Thanks, pidge. I'm not trying to paint all people with BPD with the same brush. I'm just not sure what to believe. He has told me he lied to me for years when he said he loved me romantically and found me attractive. Then he acts crushed when I then believe our relationship was false during that time. Maybe it is the only way he can love, but it's not healthy, I know that. He never gets to the next level beyond the infatuation phase. When that burned out, he was on to the next EA. When he felt vulnerable and unsure of himself, he came back to me, but more as a caretaker. But empathy is definitely missing. He cries for himself very easily, but I've never seen him cry when someone in his family died (including when I miscarried), or in response to someone else's hurt. Maybe narcissism runs stronger in him, I don't know.
But I know you're right. I must emotionally detach. I just feel like a lot of my past is some kind of cloudy time when I can't be really sure of anything, except that I know I loved him, I have my amazing son, and that the pain was very real.
Thanks for taking the time to respond. I hope I didn't offend you with what I said.
To me he sounds more NPD than BPD. Either way, it still sucks and I can only imagine how you feel. I was a horrible person to my H for the longest time. It has only been in the past 2 years that I have finally seen the light. I am truly ashamed of my actions and I am trying every day to replace all the horrible memories with good ones.
No worries, you did not offend me. I know how people like me are.
I am so sorry you have had to go through all that you have.
Not sure if you know or not but, I am a BPD'er. I can only speak on my behalf and not others like me. I do know how to love and be loved. It took me a LOT of time and me making horrendous mistakes to finally take accountability for my actions.
Your best course of action in dealing with someone with BPD is just to totally disengage. Easier said than done I know. The good times are usually always so wonderful but, you need to focus on the bad times. It will help you detach. The more you ignore him, the better off you will be. Keep things to dealing with your son only.
Try and take care of yourself.
Pidge, can you give us a brief description of what it is like from the inside looking out of BPD. I have been living with someone who I suspect has BPD and wonder if you could shed some light on it all.
My partner used to get into "zones" where he raged and nothing he said or did registered in him that he'd gone too far or said or done anything inappropiate. He didn't respond to the hurt that he had caused. He is now on medication for his epilepsy that seems to have had a secondary good result and smoothed his moods out quite a bit.
If this is something that it too difficult for you to do then please disregard my request. Just thought it might give us an insight.
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It's the disorder, it's the disorder... 
