Lost and Emotionless - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 03-23-2009, 01:55 PM Thread Starter
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Arrow Lost and Emotionless

Ill try to make this short. Dont know if I can.
Ive been with my boyfriend going on three years. For the first two I fought for the relationship and the love. I fought to make him understand that he was worthy of love and that I was willing to give it him, unconditionally. Problem is, I feel so drained now. I can ask him simple things and it turns into an argument. And I, just become quiet. I dont like arguing. Its draining, makes me tired and depressed. So many of the things are so trivial, minor but he finds a way to blow them into something major. So, to avoid an argument, I let him argue with himself. I wont participate and he says Im ignoring him. Truth is, it effects me in a different way. I feel sick. In the midst of all of this Ive stopped being sexually attracted to him because of this. I cant lay with someone I am constantly upset with. He has many issue, self esteem etc, that Ive worked on and stood by with him. Is there anything I can do. I now feel like an empty shell of myself, drained sucked dry. Is it worth staying or should I leave. If you need more info, please ask so you can give me a helpful answer. Anything is appreciated at this point. I cant talk to friends and family because they cant be impartial.

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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 03-23-2009, 07:23 PM
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Re: Lost and Emotionless

the only reason i say its worth working on is because you chose him. you chose a person that would drain you. you might wonder why you did that. why did you feel you should make him feel loved? why didnt you choose someone that already was confident in themselves? you chose someone that needed you that way and that says something about you. You are his opposite, but equal as far as emotional intelligence goes. He's the taker, you're the martyr. Either extreme is not healthy. So if you want to improve your emotional intelligence, and in effect any future relationship you may have, you will have to understand why you chose what you did. you have a lot of boundary issues, codependency issues, that you need to work on.

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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 03-23-2009, 11:31 PM
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Re: Lost and Emotionless

Hi AfroSunshine

Times like these, you may want to review why you enter into a relationship in the first place. I can see that you love him and want to give your best for him. To a girl, communication is probably no. 1 importance in a relationship and it is not surprising that you are feeling drained because it has became 1-way for you.

Some questions you may want to ask yourself:

1. You seem to know what you want in this relationship. How about him? Does what you want in this relationship complement what he is looking for?

2. Do you plan to tie the knot eventually? Is this what he wants too?

3. You mention that your b/f has many issues (who doesn't). Is he doing his part to deal with these issues? None of us enter into a relationship ready in everything. On the contrary, when we are together with someone, sometimes our shortcomings became clearer. The question is, whether should we deal with it (e.g. self esteemed, irresponsible, not knowing how to love and give)?

Just some thots to help you in your thinking.

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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 03-27-2009, 08:31 PM
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Re: Lost and Emotionless

It's pretty difficult to feel loved by someone who doesn't love themself. It sounds like you've tried really hard to provide unconditional love for him - but to no avail. There's a great book by Harville Hendrix called "Receiving Love" that addresses this issue.

At some point he needs to take responsibility for his issues and working to heal them. At that point he might be more open to "receiving love" from you. Until then, ask yourself at what point you practice self care... Is there a point you will reach when it simply isn't worth it?

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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 03-28-2009, 09:27 AM
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Re: Lost and Emotionless

i found i have tried so hard and my H is a negative person on my energy. that 3 weeks ago i told my H i didnt want to be with him.
i did have sex with him and it was so distant. just sex. ive stopped that now.
i cant keep on this same merry go around for the rest of my natural life.
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