joi

hi.
i just signed on to this site as i have very few to talk to about my marriage. mainly due to lack of friends of my own but also embarrassment for not being able to express myself.
my husband and i have been married together for 10 years. we have on child who is 3. i work mainly days and he works mainly nights. he's the stay at home which he does very well although is not completely happy to have this role. we balance the rest of the time btw our child and get a couple evenings or days off together a week. sometimes it's a little worse when our schedules are hectic.
he has been diagnosed as depressed but does not currently take meds. he is very fit and a competitive athlete and would prefer to natural med choices and exercise to control his moods.
he has been to counseling many different times with different results. the last counseling was done a while ago and was focused on rapid eye movement therapy.
what usually happens in our world is that we will go a few weeks with just small little disagreements. then we have a big blow out usually over something very small. it can be as simple as me giving a suggestion with our child or not cleaning something properly. tonight we had one good bicker and it was focused around me using one exaggerated statement about when our childs hair was last washed, and me putting some sheets under the bed when my folks were over and forgetting about them.
well now that i have rambled...
i am seeking advise and guidance in what to do.
tonight i asked him when we were both calm if he could give me some examples of what i do that ticks him off. he said that he doesn't have a list and that i could be anything. to me that means that everyday no matter what i do right i could potentially do something that will tick him off. how i am suppose to live with that sort of 'fear' for the rest of my life.
we are suppose to go to counseling which we have postphoned for months now. i am the one who need to arrange it but i am also the one who has been trying to at least self help myself.
arggg. he's sleeping in our spare room and i am wide awake on the couch watching a movie.
how do i go on being at least somewhat happy. i feel so alone.
help>
ps. sorry for the rambling.

manvsmonster

Hi there. I'm new too!
I'm sorry you are dealing with these issues. I understand how you feel as I too have a husband that deals with depression and anxiety. I don't know if I'm maybe the best person to give you advice but it sounds to me like you're living in a glass house. My husband has his moments but overall, he's witty, funny and supportive. I've never heard him complain about how I keep the house or what I've fixed for dinner....even if he doesn't like it. When did you notice this behavior? Has it always been there or has it just started since the birth of your child? I know sometimes men can be very needy (mine is.) If he has a bad day, you can bet that I will too. I have often referred to myself as the marital punching bag and it seems that you also are being put in that position.

Anymore, just like today (we're self employed) a piece of equipment broke. He called me at home (I have a sick one at home) and told me to look on the computer how to "fix" this thing. I asked a simple question as I was confused....he responded to me short fused like and I said, "hey, don't get mad at me." He hung up on me and has been treating me like crap ever since. I don't know either sometimes.

So, back to you....sorry for that. I know this sounds crazy but maybe he is feeling a big competitive with your child when it comes to attention. So maybe he nags you about little things to get even more attention from you. I'm not saying that you're not giving him enough attention but I just know that sometimes men tend to be very "needy" of their wives. Do you pat him on the back for the little things he does...for instance, if he's the type of guy who will step in and help with your child ( I know mine does), I sometimes have to say, "thank you so much, honey, for helping give **** a bath" or just whatever the case may be.

Also, maybe set aside one night a week for date night. If you can afford it and can figure out a night that the two of you are free, try and plan something as a surprise. Another thing I do with my husband is I try and make a "game" out of our feelings.....sort of a trivia type thing. It's a laid back way to try and get him to open up about feelings and have a good laugh at the same time.

Believe it or not, my mom is a counselor and NO, I have not talked to her about my relationship ordeals either. Like you, I am embarrassed. But just keep telling yourself how special you are...everytime he puts your down, just remember that God appointed you to be the mother of your child and that in itself is an honor. So don't ever forget how special you truly are.

I wish you the best and I'd love to hear in about a week or so how you're doing.

gofish

Hi, joi. You sound pretty frustrated about the current state of your marriage. It's hard when things don't go how you would've liked. Marriage is so central to our lives that it really takes its toll when things are tough. You said that you've been postponing counseling, and I have to wonder why. I really encourage you to do so. It can make a big difference to have a 3rd party mediate your discussion with your spouse. If you don't want to talk to someone in person, you could at least start by calling a counselor at Focus on the Family. They'll let you speak to a counselor over the phone for free. In my time with them, I've seen many people find this option helpful. (I know you said you'd find it embarassing, manvsmonster, and I would too if the counselor was my mom. That would NOT work for me! LOL)

If you're not ready to talk to someone, you might find some articles to be of help instead. There's some great advice on marriage and relationships on the Focus website. Check them out if you're interested.

My husband and I have been through some tough times as well, but I think a great general rule for all relationships involves respect. The Golden Rule applies, too. If you would like to be told thank you for doing something, then start by saying thank you when your husband does it. Kindness and courtesy go a long way in making others feel loved and appreciated! Hope things turn around for you. God bless!

lamaga

Gofish, if you are going to recommend Focus on the Family, it would be ethical to also disclose their agendae. It is NOT a neutral site.

joi

tx for responding. and for the links.
we are only postphoning counseling bc of our schedule. i am calling our doctor tomorrow to see if we can get in. i don't have a problem talking to doctors. in actual fact i usually talk to much. family and friends just tend to get the good side of me. i don't have too many friends and have always managed my emotions quite well and therefore i don't think i developed that skill/habit of running to someone when i had a problem.
i like research and reading. it helps cope and find the light in the tunnel. i bought a self help book called marriage rules. it's elementary but it kept some fundamentals in the front of my brain.
tx again.

joi

thanks for the comments. we talked tonight after i went to the bedroom and turned on the lights. we talked about working harder to get in a date night. he is still hiding from his issues and using them as an excuse for his actions.
he has been this way since before our child came. he used to go to couselling many years ago and suffers from anxiety and anger plus other deeper problems from his childhood that not even i know much about.
the thing with complementing is that i do it all the time and eventually get really drained that i keep getting pushed back with grumpiness. this is usually the reason for our arguments because i refuse to be passive and push back when he is treating me like a jerk.
for example in our world i work until 7pm and he goes to work at 5pm. so we have a babysitter to balance the few hours. i will come home and clean the house after our child has gone to bed. (we live in a small 2 bedroom apt) i mentioned this to him the other night and he said 'what do you mean clean the house? sweeping the floor is not cleaning the house' and i said ' i sweep, mop and dust, work on laundry at least 2 or 3 times a week." he says 'oh i don't really notice'
wow, that felt great to go to that effort and not even have someone notice.
you mentioned about complements and thanking him for stepping in. he is the stay at home papa and i am always thanking him for caring for our child. i don't have to ask him to step in. it's the opposite. i usually have to ask him to reverse the attention back to us. after being with our child all day he sometimes would rather lay with our child until she's gone to sleep than come join me and enjoy a glass of wine or just relax.
i have the career and he has a parttime job plus taking care of our child. this is a sore spot because he wants so much to have a 'real' career in the industry that makes him happy. its unfortunate because he was never established in a career when we had our child
anyway...after another rampling session. thanks for listening and the comments. they are helpful.

joi

i am not sure anybody is still reading though this post but i thought i would use it as my sounding board.
my husband and i went to a counselor today finally. it took a while to book an apt.
the counselor takes the approach of Emotional Focused Therapy. i thought i was very interesting and we established quite a lot in the first session. i had a cry session and he had a revelation of his own.
although it is the first session i feel very positive.
my husband deals with a lot of his own depression and anxiety however our relationship is still important.
i remember a doctor telling us that it's better to solve his depression first and then work on 'us'. i don't agree to this. either do the relationship first so you know how to react and treat eachother or do both if the other can handle two therapies. that's my personal feeling.
so for those who are out there and looking for something. google emotional focused therapy.

joi

i just wanted to finally make a comment about the FOTF
this is very true. i went to site just for curiosity stake and read quite a lot.
it's interesting because a lot of the suggestions are very common sense. i was not offended but agree that an agenda should be stated in respect.

Uptown

Joi, given your positive attitude about researching the problem, it may be worth your while to read about the basic traits associated with three personality disorders: BPD (Borderline PD), NPD (Narcissistic PD), and ASPD (Antisocial PD). I mention these because all three are associated with anger and low self esteem that originate in early childhood and are carried inside throughout adulthood. Moreover, a common side effect of those traits is depression and anxiety, which your H suffers.

Significantly, I am NOT suggesting that your H has a full blown PD. All PDs are "spectrum" disorders that vary in degree from person to person. The issue, then, is NOT whether your H "has BPD traits" or "has NPD traits." Of course he does. We all do. Rather, the issue is whether he has such traits at such a strong level that they are undermining your marriage by distorting his perceptions of your intentions and motivations. Importantly, they do not have to satisfy the diagnostic criteria for "having a PD" to cause such problems. Even when they are well below that diagnostic threshold, they can weaken a marriage.

I therefore suggest you read about ASPD, BPD, and NPD traits to see whether you recognize many of the red flags. Those red flags are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about traits such as strong verbal abuse, temper tantrums, and very controlling behavior. If you would like to read about BPD traits, an easy place to start is my brief description of them in Maybe's thread at My list of hell!. If that discussion rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, Joi.

joi

interesting thoughts. will look into it but i don't think its the core of the problem for my husband. i only say that because of his family history. his issues stem from other circumstances. thank you though for the suggestions.

Uptown

That is very good to hear, Joi. I wouldn't wish a PD on my worst enemy.

ferndog

Depression for me is layers and layers of pain. It creeps up and takes control of your heart. In order to get passed it one must face it head on. Admit to it and learn how to slowly chop it down like a tree. It takes months years etc. But as long as everyday one tries there best that day (such as go to work, don't gamble, express love, etc). Tell him you love him. When he starts to get angry hug him and tell him in his eyes. I love you, now you cannot do this everytime but when the arguments are small make him realize your there because you care and hopefully he will snap out of it slowly. I wish you and yours the best. Your a caring wife that's why you are here.it will all be ok if you both dedicate to beating this. Btw I think you can work through depression as a team but the focus is really him. He's the one with issues that affect his loved ones. Heis angry inside and that's why he blames you. Because it is hard to look in the mirror and admit that they hurt. It took me months to admit it. And 7 months in I feel better. No where near fixed but everyday I'd progress. So just remember it's not your fault or even his but it's just spnnething he needs to adress
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joi

thank you for the reply. we are heading to counseling tomorrow for a 2nd apt. we need to find time to spend together and work together.