mosquito

Sorry if this is in the wrong forum...

I've been with the same man for 5 years. I suffer from anxiety (or, how I like to call it - judgement syndrome); he's a narcissist and a perfectionist. I have low self esteem, he has high self esteem, and often, though jokingly, he puts me down and makes me feel like I'm incapable of doing anything right. He's emotionally and verbally abusive, because that's the only way of communicating he got from his abusive parents.

What I've come to accept is that he won't change. I won't be with him forever, but I don't want to leave just yet. I have constructed a certain system of thinking and I'm here to see if it's naive/foolish to think that I'm actually benefiting from the emotional abuse, because I'm fully aware of it and I want to learn how to face people like that. When I learned it's not completely my fault I've been treated like a stupid child, I got to look at things in a different way. I can study my behavior and his behavior, become a stronger person and benefit from all this in the future.

So, what do you think? Am I right, or am I deluding myself?

Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I vote for delusional, but having been there done that I guess there is a certain 'boot camp' aspect of it that's appealing, meeting the challenge of getting through a day and getting it right brings a lot of pleasure/sense of achievement when it happens (which of course is rarely.) It's like an addiction. After a while thinking independently is very difficult, and it's easy to say it doesn't matter, to dismiss the negatives by identifying their source and making an excuse for the source (parents/upbringing, pesonality disorder over which he seemingly has little control.) I think you are banking up a lot of hurt and anger for which you will have to forgive yourself at some point. The subconscious is keeping a tally even though your conscious logic is saying it's a free ride. :-(

The upside is, that as soon as you walk out the door and are away from the environment, your thinking will change dramatically.

johnnycomelately

There is only one way to deal with people like that - walk away. Why would you want to learn how to face them? Avoid them like the plague.

girl friday

I have a slightly diferent take on this from personal experience.

You attract people into your life who have the ability to teach you things, give you life lessons you need to learn or create situations you need to overcome. These may be good or bad. Once these lessons have been learnt you will be free to move on to a better place. If you do not learn these lessons then they will keep being repeated until you do and chances are you will keep going from one abusive relationship to another.

Finding ourselves in abusive situations gives us the ability to confront our issues and create proper boundaries, deal with our self esteem issues and insecurities and then attract a better more emotionally healthy person to be in a relationship with.

OhhShiney

You am learn a bunch from the abuse, but yo won't be able to reap the benefits of such knowledge until you get out of the relationship. I was in an abusive relationship and tried to make do for years. I have completely transformed myself in the nearly seven years during which sought counselling for my own anxieties, gained the strength and insight needed to move on.

It was not until after I left that my true self emerged.

Sure, learned from it. But I didn't benefit until I moved on.

Cosmos

Your H doesn't sound like someone with high self-esteem to me. If he had high self-esteem, he wouldn't have the need to abuse you verbally and emotionally. Inflicting this sort of pain on someone else is usually done for the sole purpose of making the abuser feel better about themselves, and is often borne of an unhealthy lack of self-respect and low self-esteem.

If there are any benefits to being abused (which I personally doubt), they can only come from the indepth, extensive therapy often required to help the person heal from the trauma the abuse has caused...

__________________

For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love.
(Carl Sagan)

Advocado

I am curious as to when do you plan to leave and why the delay. You may have good reasons for putting off leaving but I hope it is not an indefinte period in time.

As to "benefitting" from emotional abuse I don't think so. However you can certainly learn from the experience and use that knowledge to avoid making the same mistake again/avoid ending up in a similar relationship in the future.

__________________
Advocado

no more silent treatment for me
How to cope with Silent Treatment Emotional Abuse in Relationships. Part 1:

Cosmos

Another factor to consider, OP, is that the longer you're in an abusive relationship, the worse the damage. Whilst in one of these types of relationships, we're not actually aware how bad things actually are. It's only when we get out that we realize that things were a lot worse than we actually thought at the time.

__________________

For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love.
(Carl Sagan)

Blanca

I think you're right and I think it's great what you are doing. I do think you'll leave but you'll leave recognizing your contribution to the dysfunction and then be able to find a healthy relationship.

There's a great book you might be interested in called Radical Forgiveness by Colin Tipping. My H was also condescending to me, not abusive per se, but condescending and I had low self-esteem. I think you do attract what you fear and in doing so you have the opportunity to heal yourself.

__________________


"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie

preets

I think you are with the wrong man. A man who can't respect lady cannot be a good human being (man). Are you also using the same abusive language with him and if not then use it once the way he do. Analyse if he is ok with that or he gets annoyed and more abusive with you? If he is ok, then dont be so worried because he is like this & is his basic nature and this is a very common general language for him. But, if he gets annoyed then you should immediately refrain him out from your life. But again in both the case, you should respect yourself. Never think about yourself as incapable and ineligible. You are confident and capable of doing all the things. Always think like this, be an optimist.
Preeti

Jellybeans

No abuse is beneficial.

You need to leave this dude. And find your self-respect.