Hi everyone, this is my first post, found this forum in my quest to save my marriage and my sanity.
Background - married 19 years next week, we have 2 children ages 15 and 17.
Let's start from the beginning. I met my wife at a mutual friend's party way back when and we immediately hit it off. We became absolutely inseparable and about a year and 1/2 after meeting, we were married with a huge ceremony and reception surrounded by friends and family. Life was fantastic!
We began planning a family and the following September, our daughter was born. Life was fantastic!
We wanted another child and decided that if it was a healthy boy, that would be it, no more kids. My son was born, I got a vasectomy, life was still fantastic!
Now comes the bad stuff. About 2 years after my son was born, my wife's brother and only sibling committed suicide without any warning. It was an awful time for us and I bent over backwards to do anything to ease the pain for her and her mom. I helped with all the arrangements, dealt with the kids, and even took it upon myself to clean up the mess he made so my wife wouldn't have to see or deal with it (he used a shotgun
).
My wife fell into a depression which I came to find out runs in her family. I tried everything I could to help get her mind off things. We're both social drinkers and she LOVES to gamble so we made numerous weekend casino trips. It did help a bit, at least she seemed to be herself again for those short times. Having a few drinks and forgetting her troubles helped to bring back a bit of her sex drive which I wasn't going to complain about!
We decided as a family that perhaps a move would help, new surroundings might help her to shed the weight of depression. So we packed up and moved from NY to FL.
Shortly after moving to FL, she went to a doctor to discuss her depression which was NOT getting any better and was beginning to manifest itself in occasional fits of rage that she felt almost powerless to control. Of course he was only too happy to prescribe something for it - Effexor.
To make somewhat of a long story short, she's been on it for years and it has essentially sucked the life out of the loving, vibrant woman I married. She can't hold a job for more than a year, she will end up complaining and acting so miserable that I eventually give in and tell her to just quit. She swears that she will use the time away from work to better herself and get our house together, but it NEVER, EVER happens.
Along with the depression, she developed stomach problems that she blamed everything on. She wouldn't get out of bed and claim it was her stomach. She wouldn't go to work because of her stomach. She wasn't interested in sex because of her stomach. But ironically, her stomach problems never stop her from wanting to go gambling....
Fortunately I have a very good job and we can easily afford for her to stay home. I'm a very active person and in addition to working a full time job, I started a business with her back in 2001 in hopes of motivating her. I ended up doing all the work, arguing with her when she wouldn't do anything I asked her, and eventually, I gave up and closed the business. I'm still bitter over that, especially when I see my competitors at the time still going strong today.
I tried to find something social we could do together, again in hopes of motivating her. I stopped racing cars as a hobby since she had no interest, stopped riding my motorcycle for the same reason, and I renewed an interest in my old hobby of playing guitar and joined a band. This turned out to be MY saving grace, I absolutely love playing out in clubs on the weekends. She enjoys it as well and it's the one time that we can still enjoy ourselves together. That is until the weekend is over and she's back in bed for 22 hours a day.
Drinking does wonders for her, she loves going out and wants to party all weekend. She's a very happy drunk and once again, we get along great then. She will barely sleep all weekend, will want to go out and party and/or gamble, or even just stay home, have a few drinks and play video games. This is a catch 22 for me, I get my wife back for a limited time but I know it's not healthy for her and it's not a healthy basis for a relationship. It always comes crashing down on Monday for her and I'm once again left holding everything up.
I work 50 hours a week at a stressful job. I come home to a large beautiful home that is an absolute disgusting mess inside. I spend my weekends doing laundry and trying to clean up but when I'm gone at work all week, it goes right back to the way it was. The kids help to some degree but it's really not their responsibility outside of basic chores. They're beginning to resent the fact that she does NOTHING all day and then yells at them to clean up. It's not fair and they're right to feel that way IMO.
Part of the problem is that you simply CANNOT have a discussion about this with her. She is unbelievably difficult to argue with, she will ALWAYS turn the tables and bring up anything and everything I have ever done wrong regardless of how unrelated it is to avoid addressing the issue. I get frustrated and walk away almost every time, it's not worth the fight and I hate fighting.
Fast forward to now. She was working at great job for about a year with a dentist's office. She had an incredible opportunity to run the office and really make something out of it and herself. Instead she chose to cut back to 3 days, called in sick 1/2 the time, and last November she quit. She swore up, down, and sideways that this time it would be different, she was going to get herself together, get her health in order, get the house cleaned up, etc.
She's done NONE of it. She had blamed all her woes on her stomach and her idiot doctor wasn't doing anything to help. So finally, I took matters into my own hands, found the BEST gastroenterologist in south Florida and got her there. They now have her on prescription strength probiotics and they've done absolute WONDERS for her, her stomach issues are 99.9% GONE.
That was about 3 months ago. She still sleeps all day, my house is still a mess, she isn't working and has no desire to, and I still have to come home from work after a long day and cook dinner for my family, then throw in laundry so I don't waste my entire weekend in front of the washer & dryer.
I'm one of those people who has a really long fuse, but when it goes off, I'm done. I am rapidly approaching that point now, I have had it. I am bitter, I am angry, and I am sad. I do NOT want to end my marriage, I do love my wife but the amount of resentment I've built over the years is staggering and is starting to overflow. It's at the point now where we will have a nice time on a given Friday or Saturday night, I will start to think nice thoughts about my marriage again, but Mr. Resentment comes along and quickly reminds me that it's a temporary farce and that my marriage is essentially a joke. I used to be able to fight him off, but now I can't so the few times we would be able to enjoy are getting tainted.
I used to fear getting raked over the coals if I chose to divorce her, but I'm at the point where I don't even care anymore. I'm 45 years old, I'm decent looking and in good health, I'm active and driven both in work and play, but I feel her sucking the very life out of me. I feel great all day at work, then as I approach my exit off the turnpike, my mood will start to darken. How many more good years of my life do I have left? Now I'm more afraid that I'm going to turn around one day to find my life slipped by while I was busy catering to her.
Our sex life has been spotty, it's always fantastic for both of us when it actually happens, but that's ONLY on the weekends when she's drinking which adds to the problem. Still, it's like pulling teeth to get her in the mood, even though once she's started, she enjoys it thoroughly. I've learned to live with the disappointment there, but it doesn't help that I'm forever approached by gorgeous women 1/2 my age when I'm playing in the band.
I would like to suggest we go to counseling but that will spark a war as does anything I ever say negative. She'll flip out and maybe walk out like she's done in the past only to return 1/2 hour later. The last time she did that, I cannot tell you the relief I felt because I thought she was going to be gone for good...but she came back an hour later.
Does anyone have any suggestions for me before I start contacting attorneys? I'm truly at wit's end, I would absolutely love nothing more than to remain happily married to the woman I love, but not at the expense of my happiness and sanity.
Thanks for reading and sorry it's so long winded. I had hoped that typing all this up would have a therapeutic effect but unfortunately, it just made me more bitter.
6Likes
Newbie - At wit's end with my depressed wife 
Sadly, within 2 weeks of me going back to work, the house returned to the exact same condition. 
I swear those pills are poison. I have my own preference for self-medication (of the green, leafy variety 
) but it's occasional and in moderation. But I'm still ME, it doesn't change who I am like the anti-depressants can do.
