Physical & Mental Health IssuesMarriage and relationships are difficult by themselves, but coping with physical or mental health problems can make things even more difficult.
As an incentive for my wife to actually go to the gym that she recently joined to lose weight would it be ok to tell her that if she starts to lose some weight I will take her to a concert that is coming up at the end of July. I know that women are sensitive about their weight but she even knows that she needs to. I keep hoping that she will take better care of herself. She will go to her doctor for depression but won"t take her medicine, go to doctor for sleep apnea but won't wear the CPAP mask. I told her that if she lost some weight it might help with the sleep apnea. Going to the concert might actually help us connect.
Oh, ED. I cannot speak for all women, but this would piss me off royally and make me less willing to lose weight. I know your intent is benign, but no. If you want to spend time with her and take her to a concert that she would enjoy, then do it. Don't make it contingent on her weight.
By the same token, if you want to provide an incentive, say something like, "hey, honey, I'm so proud of you for joining that gym. Would it be helpful if you got a prize for certain interim goals? How about if we budget x number of dollars for your first ten pounds and you can use it for something you've really wanted?"
See? That makes it an incentive, not an insult, and puts more of the control in her hands. Rather than you dangling a carrot, much as if she were a trained seal. I'm sure I'm not explaining this well, but I bet other women on here get what I'm saying.
I wouldn't say anything about her weight, no matter what. Encourage going to the gym, instead. Reward the good behavior.
C Posted via Mobile Device
PBear, While I agree that generally encouragement is better than criticism and useful, I would also like to say that in the OPs case, he be very careful about how he deals with either. If she has sleep apnea that is being caused by her weight, then, she has a serious health concern. If he completely ignores it, then she might think it's okay to be complacent about this. At the same time, if he nags her too much about it, she may just not work out to resist his control of her actions in defiance.
ED...Don't give her conditional rewards like she is a dog you're training, but, use more encouragement when she is making progress. Do remember that it is HER journey and not yours and no matter how much of a cheerleader, coach, pep squad, or drill sergeant you are about her efforts, they are HER efforts and not yours.
How would you like to be treated if you were in her position? Like a dog needing a treat for good behavior or like a horse needing to be tricked with a carrot? Um...not so respectful an attitude; just think about what might work if you were in her shoes for a bit.
There is no carrot that can make her want to change. And women sometimes take even your most honorable intentions and get all pissy about them, like a previous poster mentioned. She has to want to change --> so this is all about how much you are willing to put up with if she decides not to lose weight (or even putting on some more pounds).
If it is a deal-breaker for you, let her know. If she wants to get all mad and starts getting heavier on purpose; well you don't have to put up with anything you don't want to.
IMO weight problems are something that should be communicated between couples, using tact, but not walking on eggshells. You can dangle incentives like: sex, sweetness, yelling, doing the housework, getting 2 jobs so she can stay at home, get her a gym membership, a personal trainer, and you will fail if she doesn't want to change.
One last thing, I always felt that I was able to say things about weight in a relationship, because I was always in great shape. But many men do not have any ground to stand on with this issue because they have let themselves go. Good luck man, you are going to need it.
There is no carrot that can make her want to change.
She has to want to change --> so this is all about how much you are willing to put up with if she decides not to lose weight (or even putting on some more pounds).
If it is a deal-breaker for you, let her know.
IMO weight problems are something that should be communicated between couples, using tact, but not walking on eggshells. You can dangle incentives like: sex, sweetness, yelling, doing the housework, getting 2 jobs so she can stay at home, get her a gym membership, a personal trainer, and you will fail if she doesn't want to change.
I agree. Communicate how much it bothers you, that it's a deal breaker if it is. It is up to her to change or not.
If you're fit, then you may have more ground to stand on, but don't be sanctimonious or pushy. Just explain -- you're so overweight that you need a sleep apnea machine; this is getting out of hand; then hire her a trainer and nutritionist (people who are not you so she can't take it personally when they push her on the hard work it will take) and then let her do her thing. You decide when it's not something you can deal with anymore rather than dictate her process.
We went to church yesterday and a lady there asked her if she was expecting a baby. Another lady had asked her this a while back. That would be enough incentive for me to lose weight if it was me. I think that a husband and wife should sleep in the same bed but it is impossible due to her snoring. Every night it justs makes me more frustrated. I would like to be able to pick her up in my arms like a few years ago.
As an incentive for my wife to actually go to the gym that she recently joined to lose weight would it be ok to tell her that if she starts to lose some weight I will take her to a concert that is coming up at the end of July. I know that women are sensitive about their weight but she even knows that she needs to. I keep hoping that she will take better care of herself. She will go to her doctor for depression but won"t take her medicine, go to doctor for sleep apnea but won't wear the CPAP mask. I told her that if she lost some weight it might help with the sleep apnea. Going to the concert might actually help us connect.
Is it a mask or is it the nasal pillows? I know from experience that the mask was horrible. The nasal pillows were MUCH more comfortable! It's a vicious cycle, actually, regarding weight loss. You need to lose weight to sleep better. You need to sleep better to lose weight. If you don't get the restful sleep you need, the weight won't come off, no matter what you try. Been there, done that. What exactly is the issue with the CPAP machine? Is it discomfort from the mask or the noise of the machine. I know mine wasn't really quiet, but I got used to it. I don't use it anymore, not since I had lost 200 pounds (surgery...and no matter what anyone says, it is NOT the easy way out! But the problems I had were worth it, for me). I have since begun gaining some back. Funny how pregnancies can do that lol. Anyway, I need to get in for another sleep study and likely get a new machine, again.
My point is that the CPAP will help her get the restful sleep she needs in order to get the weight off. She will have more energy, even for that gym membership
It is the CPAP machine. She just thinks it is too much trouble. Sometimes the mask isn't on quite right which ends up making noise.
Well, regarding the mask... see if she can get the pillows instead. no issue there regarding not being on just right. And, believe me, getting that restful sleep is SOOOOO worth it! Don't nag, of course... But see if she would be willing to try the nasal pillows to see if it works better.
Have you offered to go to the gym with her? Make it a social outing for the two of you?
She has to start moving. This will get the good brain chemicals working.
Try just getting her to go on walks with you. Start out slow so as to not tire her in the beginning. Don't mention her weight or need for exercise. Just say you want to spend some time with her.
Well, regarding the mask... see if she can get the pillows instead. no issue there regarding not being on just right. And, believe me, getting that restful sleep is SOOOOO worth it! Don't nag, of course... But see if she would be willing to try the nasal pillows to see if it works better.
LOL yes. You still have the headgear that goes over the top, but, instead of the triangular-ish shaped mask, it is more like a nasal cannula like in the hospital. The difference is that it is a sealed fit inside the nose.
This is the one I had: CPAP Wholesale - Breeze from Covidien
But they come in a variety of types. These are much more comfortable than the mask. But, I did have the mask as a backup for awhile.
As an incentive for my wife to actually go to the gym that she recently joined to lose weight would it be ok to tell her that if she starts to lose some weight I will take her to a concert that is coming up at the end of July. I know that women are sensitive about their weight but she even knows that she needs to. I keep hoping that she will take better care of herself. She will go to her doctor for depression but won"t take her medicine, go to doctor for sleep apnea but won't wear the CPAP mask. I told her that if she lost some weight it might help with the sleep apnea. Going to the concert might actually help us connect.
That's a tough position to be in! I think the best way to go about it would be to praise he after she goes to the gym. "Great job babe, how was your workout?" I was in really good shape after our son and I did gain weight after going to work. My husband never mentioned it but when I got upset about it he said "Is there anything I can do to help, like stop offering certain types of snacks" etc. To me this was him acknowledging that I could use to lose some weight without hurting my feelings.
Buy the concert tickets. When she makes an effort, praise it! When the concert comes around you can tell her "I got these tickets to surprise you, I am proud of how hard you are working."
16Likes
Dangle a carrot 
