Immediately I know if she were to read this she'd say: "I'm such a b*tch."
It's not true, I love her entirely and I know that I can be a very needy person sometimes....
She suffers from anxiety and well currently I'm depressed. Her meds she's on atmo stop a lot of that anxiety (and stop her from having the more... 'dramatic' freakouts) but the downside is she is less affectionate. =/
Honestly I'm not sure if it's because she's less anxious and thus less needy or because she's just more detached emotionally.
We both have a tendency to want the other's attention when they don't want it (le sigh) but recently I've been really struggling to feel any love from her =/
I know it sounds awful and I know she does love me and does still trying but sometimes I really don't feel it.
I'll admit it, I'm a perfectionist and the main reason I'm depressed atmo is because I've just left my uni course (it really wasn't right for me) and have spent the last 6 months basically doing nothing (I needed a break after everything I've/she/we've been through) and we're broke now going to be moving shortly closer to our parents (for more support + people she knows etc etc) so yeah I beat myself up a lot about it.
My coping mechanisms mainly consist of two things:
She has always complained about my gaming habits and I've really been trying not to game so much recently and spend some time with her but 90% of the time I try she just says she doesn't want to or she's busy doing something else and I just feel so %$&^&$^& rejected
I *always* want hugs and physical attention from her and I know that can be very demanding but a lot of the time I just feel so utterly unwanted and unloved and I really struggle with it.
I've spoken to her about it in depth and it did help a bit. She has since stuck the words "You are loved" onto the top of my second monitor which does help.
But I still don't know how to deal with it =/ I'm okay somedays and really, really not so good others and when she rejects me I just can't stand it. Should I blame myself for being so needy? Should I be angry at her for not being affectionate? Should she stop taking her meds and be more... volatile so that way she'll be affectionate?
Any advice is greatly appreciated.
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