Physical & Mental Health IssuesMarriage and relationships are difficult by themselves, but coping with physical or mental health problems can make things even more difficult.
Somebody with depression/anxiety/perimenopaus/BPD help me out here. I got tons of bad news this past weekend. I live 500+ miles away, so I heard it all at once by phone. Two family members rushed to the hospital this past week. An older relative fell...again. The person back home who has been the rock and was thrown in the middle of all of this mess...is about to break down.
My W, who suffers from the things I mentioned above (no diagnosis on any them) asked me about it after I got off the phone. I told her, and I tried to be/look strong, but I'm sure she could sense the worry/fear in me. One of the relatives at the hospital, who I'm close to, appeared to be near death. What do I get? Kind words? A hand on my shoulder? A hug? No. She asked for the details, and didn't have much to say. In fact, I noticed an bit of extra nastiness in her. WTF? I can't get in her brain, but I'm guessing this is stressing her? Maybe she's jealous/worried about me giving my time/emotions to someone else? Just kind of pizzed that I'm married to someone like this. Help me out here. Does she get a pass for acting this way?
After seeing my W's shyte reaction, I sat next to my kids, who were watching a movie. I don't want to put my needs on them, so I just put my hand on S7's shoulder, without a word. He leaned in on me as we sat, and I instantly felt a calm come over me.
pidge - if it's not too personal, did you ever act this way? Can you see where a HF uBPD would?
I'm not going to waste my time confronting her. It's not the first time, and I basically expect it now. Still doesn't make it easy. I confronted her on something like this in the past, and she just shrugged her shoulders and said she handles these things differently than me.
No pass from me either and I've suffered from all those things. I'll admit sympathy isn't my first language but I can/will do it. With practice I find I get better at it each time. It just takes a desire to want to be there for someone.
I used to have trouble expressing sympathy. I still occasionally feel frozen for a few moments when faced with a situation like this while I try to figure out how to respond, but I've worked on it. Have I had trouble actually feeling sympathy? Honestly, yeah, sometimes. And then other times, I empathize too much. I think the sympathy is there somewhere...it's just that at times I feel detached from people and it's like I have to actively plug into it.
I'm not sure what kept your wife from showing you more emotional support. It could have been many things. As for the extra bit of nastiness, though... do you think it's possible that she picked up on your disappointment and anger when your expectation for how she should react wasn't met? In the past I've been so hyperaware of negative body language, facial expressions, tones of voice, etc that my emotions could start reacting to a tension that's still unspoken and still invisible to someone else.
Regardless of why, the outcome was that she didn't fulfill your needs in that moment, and that really sucks. I hope you address it with her in the time, place, and way you feel is right. I agree with previous posters that there should be no pass.
Thunder, I agree with Pidge, Mavish, and 3Leaf that your W should be held accountable for her actions and allowed to suffer the logical consequences of her bad behavior. No free pass.
As to her having strong BPD traits, perhaps so. Yet, as I noted in your "Possibly BPD?" thread, you are not observing a persistent pattern of such traits if they only occurred during the last three years of your 20-year marriage. If these traits arise from a damaged personality, the damage would have occurred in childhood and the traits likely would have been noticeable starting soon after your marriage, if not sooner. It therefore is significant that you've not mentioned seeing any red flags in the first 17 years of your marriage.
... do you think it's possible that she picked up on your disappointment and anger when your expectation for how she should react wasn't met?
Wishing your family good health, by the way.
I don't think my actions caused her to act that way. I sensed her nastiness while I was still getting the news in the first phone call. If I get a call, my insecure W nearly always hovers nearby, and starts asking questions and making comments. She was grilling me with questions as I was trying to have a phone conversation. I was trying to keep my voice from breaking as I was getting all of this bad news. I had more of a helpless feeling going on (all of these sick loved ones are 500+ miles away), so I doubt I gave off a nasty vibe.
Thank you for the kind words. The situation is getting a little better.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Uptown
As to her having strong BPD traits, perhaps so. Yet, as I noted in your "Possibly BPD?" thread, you are not observing a persistent pattern of such traits if they only occurred during the last three years of your 20-year marriage. If these traits arise from a damaged personality, the damage would have occurred in childhood and the traits likely would have been noticeable starting soon after your marriage, if not sooner. It therefore is significant that you've not mentioned seeing any red flags in the first 17 years of your marriage.
I can't argue with you, as I'm not a pro by any means. A heck of a lot does fit, but I may just be seeing similar behavior caused by her array of other issues. Her dad committed suicide when she was a little kid, which had to cause a huge impact on her. As I learn more about BPD, and think back, there were red flags. But, I'm not putting all my eggs in that basket, and it sure as hell doesn't give her a pass on bad behavior.
Bottom line...no matter what issues she has...I can only control me, but I can lay down boundaries, and follow through on consequences.
I don't think my actions caused her to act that way.
You're absolutely right here. Don't confuse cause and trigger. Just because she responds in a nasty way to something you say or do doesn't mean your action necessarily caused her reaction. Triggered, maybe, but not caused. Internalizing it as a cause-effect association could end up driving you crazy because it implies you have some responsibility for or control over her reaction even when it's an unreasonable one that you couldn't possibly predict.
Speaking of unpredictability, you wouldn't have to be giving off a nasty vibe to trigger her issues if they are what you're suspecting. It's not that simple. A perfectly appropriate-to-the-situation action from you could trigger it because it's being filtered through a distorted thought process that translates every nuance of action, expression, or tone.
Unfortunately, I could give a few very recent examples of BPD distorted thinking at work. Ugh, it's been a tough couple of months. Big changes to deal with and financial stress, so I'm feeling a little off. Doing the best I can, though.
5Likes 
Sympathy from a depressed/BPD? 
